Leanna Clavelle | COMPLETED

Phase Thirty-Three

I tried to slowly open my eyes. At first, it was all blurry until a bright light and all-white welcomed my sight. I was about to ask myself if I'm already in heaven if only I hadn't heard a ticking sound coming from the monitor.

Ang sabi nila, pag nasa kabilang buhay kana, wala ka ng mararamdam kung hindi gaginhawaan. That's not what I'm feeling right now. I could feel how weak my body is.

I thought finally, my sorrow would end all at once but it's like the heavens don't want me to opt for that solution. If they can't let me end it all, then why did they let Kuya? Why didn't they let him live?

Pagod na akong kwestyonin ang lahat ng bagay. Nakaka-drain. Nakakamanhid sa pakiramdam.

I tried to move a bit when I felt someone beside me. He's sleeping while holding my hand like I would slip if he let go.

I stared at him. Eyes were closed and brows were a bit furrowed. Even in sleep, he still looked strict. Sinubukan kong abutin gamit ang kabilang kamay ang kanyang buhok para suklayin pero nabitin sa ere ang aking kamay.

My hand turned into a fist. I sighed and looked up at the ceiling.

How could I forever hate the man I looked up to? He's still my father despite the wrong decisions he made in life. Mahal ko pa rin siya kaya kahit na may parte sa akin na siya ang sinisisi sa pagkawala ni Kuya. Hindi ko kayang kamuhian siya ng matagal, lalo na habang buhay.

Hindi ko pa siya kayang patawarin sa ngayon. Pero siguro ito na rin ang binubulong ng langit. In spite of everything that happened, I have my father left with me. Maybe after everything, he'll change for the better.

Pero sa totoo lang wala akong maramdaman sa aking puso. It's like my system feels numb from everything. Gusto ko ng mawala dahil puro pasakakit lang ang dala sa akin ng buhay pero hindi ako nag tagumpay. Gusto pa Niya akong mabuhay pero paano?

Naramdaman kung gumalaw si Dad kaya napalingon ako sa kanya. Dahan dahan niyang minulat ang kanyang mata pero agad nanlaki ang mga ito ng mapagtantong gising na ako. Agad siyang tumayo. He cupped my face.

"Thank God you're awake." He said in an almost whisper. "May masakit ba sa iyo anak? Are you feeling okay? Where is part of your body aching?"

I stared at him blankly. I could see in his eyes how worried he was.

Sa mga taon na lumipas, ngayon ko lang ulit nakita si daddy ng ganito kalapit. Parang mas tumanda siya kumpara nung huli ko siyang nakita. He looked burnt out and had sleepless nights.

"Are you okay?"

Tears were slowly forming in his eyes. Hindi ako sumagot at nag iwas tingin. I heard him sigh, then settled himself back into the chair. He held my hand.

"Anak, Clavelle... wag mo ng uulitin to ha? Hindi ko alam kung ano na ang mangyayari sa akin kung pati ikaw nawala."

Akala ko wala na akong mararamdaman pa pero may konting kirot pa rin sa aking puso. I clenched my jaw.

"Please forgive me for the rough years, anak. I hope you can forgive me for everything I did. Pinagsisihan ko na ang lahat ng iyon anak." Daddy's grip tightened a bit. "Ikaw nalang ang meron ako kaya 'wag mo akong iwan please?"

This feeling... Ito iyong hinahanap ko noon mula sa kanya. I want his attention, his care, and his love. That's all I wished way back until this all happened. So ganito pala ang feeling na may nag-aalalang ama sa iyo.

"I'm fine." Malamig kong sabi.

Hindi alam kung ano ang sasabihin sa lahat ng mga sinabi niya. May puwang pa siya sa aking puso dahil ama ko pa rin siya. And hirap mag patawad sa ngayon. Hindi ko pa napapatawad ang sarili kaya ang mag patawad sa iba ay mahirap pa sa akin.

He once again took a deep breath.

"We're still not sure about that, Clavelle. I want you to check by the doctor para makasigurado tayong ayos ka lang." May idadagdag pa sana siya pero agad napatigil nang may mapagtanto. "Right! I shall call a doctor. Wait here anak, babalik din ako."

Ang sabi ay isang araw daw akong walang malay. The doctor said good thing that I was found immediately and rushed to the hospital. Si Yaya Gilda ang nakakita sa sakin. She was crying when she saw me kaya laking ginhawa sa kanya na mabalitaang gising na ako.

Guilt crept on me at the thought of her being traumatized. She was the one who first saw Kuya in the bathroom with blood all over the tub. I couldn't imagine the trauma it gave her when she witnessed me almost giving up my life.

Nakaupo ako sa hospital bed habang si Yaya Gilda naman ay abala sa pagbabalat ng mansanas. I stared at her. Makikita na sa kanyang itsura ang katandaan. Halos puti na ang mga buhok pero naroon pa rin ang kanyang ganda.

I smiled a bit when she lifted her gaze.

"Sandali nalang ito—"

Pareho kaming napatigil at sabay na napalingon sa bumukas na pinto. Agad kong natagpuan ang nag-aalalang mga mata ni Gael. Kinain ng malalaki niyang hakbang ang distansya sa pagitan naming dalawa at kinulong ako sa kanyang mga bisig.

He's panting and I could feel his heart beating so fast. Hindi ako nakagalaw. Hindi ko alam ang mararamdaman. Nakita kung tumayo si Yaya Gilda. Nagpaalam siya sa akin gamit ang mga mata. I nodded.

Since Kuya's burial, he was there for me. He never left my side but I was too busy mourning to even notice his presence.

Alam kong hindi pa rin siya tapos magluksa para sa anak namin pero heto siya, yakap ako kahit alam kong galit siya sa akin.

"Please don't do that again, Clavelle."

Nanginig ang kanyang boses at humigpit ang yakap sa akin. He buried his face in my neck. I felt moist on my skin. My heart stung a bit when I realized it might be Gael's tears.

"Please don't do that again" he said, almost begging.

Dahan dahan kong inangat ang aking kamay para haplosin ang kanyang likod. But my hand halts mid-air. Hindi ako sigurado sa mga tumatakbo sa aking isipan pero isa lang ang alam ko. I am being unfair to him. Lots of realizations dawned on me. Unti unti itong nanghina at hinayan kong bumagsak sa aking tagiliran.

I let us stay that way. After a while, he let go of me. He cupped both of my cheeks. His eyes were red and there were some tears left, confirming my assumption that he was really crying.

"How are you feeling?"

Para siyang si Dad. I nodded slowly.

He looked at me like I would disappear any moment from now. My heart keeps yelling for me to smile even for a bit but I couldn't get to lift the sides of my lips.

"I'm okay"

He sighed.

Sumulyap siya kinauupoan ni Yaya Gilda kanina.

"Are you hungry then? You want some apple?"

"I want to rest, Gael."

May sakit na dumaan sa kanyang mga mata. He blinked his eyes twice. I looked away.

"O-okay."

Itanaas ko ang aking mga paa at ipinatong sa kama. Inayos ni Gael ang unan ko habang kinukumutan ko ang sarili. He held the small of my back and helped me lay on my bed.

He tucked some strands of my hair at the back of my ear. Pero agad ko siyang tinalikuran kaya nabitin sa ere ang kanyang kamay. I shut my eyes tight.

I'm sorry Gael...

"Rest well, baby" I heard him whisper.