Leanna Clavelle | COMPLETED

LAST CLANDESTINE ENTRY

I stayed in the house for a week after my discharge. It's been two months now since I decided to go back to Claveria to continue my studies. Mabuti nalang at napaki-usapan ang dean ng CBA kaya hindi ako na drop. Marami nga lang akong kailangan e-submit para sa mga na missed sa loob ng isang buwan.

Gael helped me with my studies. He resigned from his position as our professor. It was the talk of our school when students discovered my connection with Gael. Pero wala akong pake sa mga sinasabi nila.

Namanhid na ako dahil sa lahat ng mga nangyari kaya ang mapanghusgang mata ng iba ay wala ng halaga sa akin para dibdibin at isipin.

I used my tasks to my advantage to get my mind distracted. But no matter how I exhausted myself, there were no nights or days that Kuya wouldn't visit my head. I've been here in this phase once. I thought I was done with that chapter of my life. But here I am, experiencing it again.

I miss him... so much. Every day, I'm missing Kuya.

Every morning, ginawa ko lang ang normal kong gawain hanggang sumapit muli ang gabi. How I wish that days were way longer than nights.

I stared at the ceiling of my room like I always do at night. I've been here for two months, but my room still feels foreign to me. Dad bought a house here in Poblacion, Claveria. Kasama ko rin si Yaya Gilda bilang bantay. Hindi ko man gustong umalis kina Aling Rosa ay wala na akong lakas para makipagtalo kaya pumayag nalang ako sa kanilang gusto.

Now and then, Dad would always visit me. I could see his efforts to spend time with me. He's changed a lot. The dreams and wishes of the young version of me have now come true.

Totoo nga na tsaka lang nakikita ang halaga ng isang tao kapag muntik na itong mawala o mawala sa mundo.

I'm happy about daddy's changes but I can't help to be sad at the same time. Siguro kung ganito na si dad noon, masaya siguro kami. Wala man si mommy, masaya kami.

I sighed.

Inayos ko ang unan para matulog na kesa mag-isip ng kung ano-ano nang makita ko ang journal ni Kuya na dinala ko patungo dito. Agad kong kinuha iyon sa ilalim ng aking unan. Umupo ako at tinitigan ang pangalan na kulay gold na naka ukit sa baba ng notebook.

Declan Del Martin.

I caressed it slowly. Since that night, hindi ko kailanman sinubukan buksan o basahin ang laman nito. Hanggang titig lang ako. Baka hindi ko kayanin. But every time I looked at it, I felt a force pulling me to open it. The pain was enticing me to prick the needle of thoughts in this notebook. ako. Maybe this will help me understand Kuya more. Maybe this is the answer to all of my questions.

I heaved a deep breath of courage before finally opening it.

December 13, 2018

On December night, a cold wind blew

I'm tired of feeling blue

Butterflies of pain lingering

And the door of death is very alluring.

My heart started to ache and my hands began to tremble. Despite having a hard to breathe, I still flipped to the next page.

January 10, 2019

I couldn't take it. I couldn't lie for more. I couldn't look at her again with those orbs in her eyes without feeling guilty. Should I tell her? I've been keeping this for God knows how long but I know, in time she'll know the truth. I've been keeping her in the dark but this is the only way I know how to protect her from the pain. She'd had enough and I didn't want to inflict any more pain. I'm sorry, sister. This is the only way I know how to love.