Hanging Tree

Chapter 17

Violet

The drive back home was nothing but silent. It was either Eliot didn't know what to say or he had too much to say. My head felt as if I have been spinning in 1000 circles. It hurts so bad, I can barely think about anything. I started feeling really dizzy so I decided to rest my head against the head rest of the seat. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. I'm feeling really sick right now. I could feel bile building up at the bottom of my throat but I tried my best not to think about it.

"How long?" I asked Eliot with my eyes still closed.

"A few more minutes. Are you okay?" Eliot answered with concern in his voice. Eventhough my eyes were closed I could feel Eliot's gaze on me. I nodded but still kept my eyes closed. I really wanted to go home now.

Just like Eliot said, we reached home within minutes. Eliot helped me up to my room.

"Are you sure you don't need anything?" Eliot asked for the tenth time.

I rolled my eyes which I immediatlly regreted and said, "Yes, Eliot. I'm fine. If I need anything, I will call you okay?"

Eliot didn't seem convinced but nodded and walk out. He closed the door softly and I could hear his footsteps padding away.

I sighed and sinked into my bed. My head fell on top of my soft pillow as I looked up at the ceiling. I was still very dizzy but I don't have the urge to puke anymore. Thoughts swarmed into my mind as I was looking up at the ceiling.

What would have happened if Calum was not there?

Would Niall be the one saving me?

Why did Zayn smile at me in the first place?

Did he plan to attack me like that?

I could have died if the boys weren't there.

Maybe I should have.

I mean, look at the amount of trouble I caused. Eliot had to pay for my bills which trust me, was not pretty. I cause all the boys so much stress. If I were to die, Niall and Liam could finally stop protecting me all the time. The reason they get into fights with Zayn and his friends is always because of me. Calum should have just left me there to die. It would have been a lot better. I don't need to be here. Why does Calum need to be so nice? I don't deserve him too. Him or any of the boys. Maybe if I were to stop talking to them and cut off all contact with them they would leave me alone. They would forget me.  I knew whatever the boys say are always true. I am a bitch. A worthless bitch. Im just a waste of space in this disgraceful world.

My thoughts were disturbed when I heard my phone vibrate. I grabbed my phone and read my screen which had Calum's name displayed on it. Calum was calling me. I was honestly in no mood to talk to him. If I was going to cut contact off with the boys, it should probably start now. I put my phone aside and ignored the vibration.  

Minutes passed and the vibration has yet to stop. I sighed and picked up my phone. I stared at it as my finger hovered over the answer button. Should I answer? No.

If I was going to cut off with the boys I have to do this. I waited till the call ended and turned off my phone. Calum wouldn't be able to reach me if it was turned off. I kept my phone away and closed my eyes.

Why was I such a mess?

I knew I shouldn't start thinking too much again. It would only make my head worse, but I couldn't stop myself.

Why couldn't I be like others?

Why didn't people like me?

Am I that much of a freak?

I wish I could be pretty and thin like all those other girls at school. They get boys to like them so easily. I could hardly even say a word to a guy without him thinking I'm weird.

I'm so fucked up in so many different levels. You don't even understand.

I could feel anger and rage building up inside me. There was only one way I could realese all these feelings. That one thing that I've been doing for years.

My eyes scanned my room till it finally fell on what I was looking for. I got up and held the object in my hand. Staring at it. Knowing it was wrong but wanting it so bad. I placed the object right about my skin. Pushed it deeper down and pulled it across my skin.

Red fluid seeped out the small cut. I felt the burning sensation I was waiting forand finally felt relieved. This is what I needed.

Another slash.

One more.

Maybe another one.

Just one more.

Last one now.

Minutes later, I find myself staring down at my bleeding hand of about 15 cuts. I know I might sound insane but this is the happiest I've been my whole life. I watched as the blood dripped down onto the floor.

I would have to clean that before Rosie or Eliot sees it. I walked into the bathroom and washed off the blood. I sucked in a deep breath when the cold water fell against my cuts, making it burn. It hurt. But in a good way.

I changed my shirt into something with long sleeves and laid down on my bed. I had to admit, I was feeling very satisfied with what I have done. For once, I went to bed feeling happy.

Note// Wowowoowowowow. Such an emotional chapter. I have to say, I wrote this chapter from experience. So yea. But to anyone out there cutting, please stop. It does get better. I know it may just seem like words, but trust me it does. No one deserves to have the need to cut. Cutting is never the answer. So please stop. If you need anyone to talk to, then I am always here.