Porcelain

Chapter 33

The house had been stripped, it no longer looked like it had ever been a home to a family. Now, it was just a house.

The blankness was comforting though, it allowed Estelle to start over again along with it.

She had hated living there. Every second she was there, she was either pushing back her trauma or living back through it to forget whatever trauma she had been living through.

She stood in the kitchen archway, contemplating what to do next. She didn't want to stay longer than she had to, she didn't want to reconnect. A connection she would inevitably have to break. But Dallas deserved to be able to see his family again, if she was going to force him to live, he should be able to live how he wanted.

Oliver was still with the Curtis', Ponyboy was keeping him entertained while she took a moment for herself, but she was starting to wish she'd taken him with her so she didn't have to be alone facing her problems again.

She left the house, hoping that it was for good this time. It didn't have anything left for her, she had no reason to enter ever again.

She pulled her denim jacket tighter around her body as she walked. Her feet were taking her to the cemetery, so that she could face her inner demons as soon as possible.

The newest grave had a small layer of grass covering the dirt, and the headstone was still clean and visible. It read "Johnny Cade, 1949-1965. Lived a friend, died a hero."

She thought it was cheesy, Johnny's life couldn't be summed up in six words hastily carved into a stone.

Tears started selling up in her eyes, and she did her best to blink them away.

"Hi, Johnnycake," she whispered. "It's been a little while since I last saw you. Sorry I didn't come around sooner."

"I didn't mean to abandon you. But I said I'd move on, and I lied. I couldn't keep you close enough, and then I couldn't let you go. I'm so sorry, Johnny. You didn't deserve to have to carry my burdens for me."

Her vision blurred as she couldn't keep the tears back. "I'm sorry Johnny. I lied. I lied to you, Johnnycake. You deserved the best, the brightest life. You had so much to give and so much to receive, even though it was so hard to fight for something you couldn't see. I'm sorry, that all in all, I was the one to steal it from you. I feel so bad Johnny, that it's me who got a second chance and not you getting a first. And I told you I wouldn't waste it, but I am. It should be me, me buried six feet under the ground. Not you. It should be me and Dally, if it meant you could live. It was selfish for me to force him to keep carrying his pains and trauma. I should have just let him go and see you again. He loved you Johnny. You were the only one he ever  loved. Are," she rambled. "You still are the only one he loves. I shouldn't have forced him to stay with me when he doesn't actually want me."

"But Johnny. If I, if me and Ponyboy are the ones getting your chance, I won't waste it. If I'm destined to keep living, I won't waste your life. I'm already terribly selfish. But that doesn't mean I have to be a terrible selfish person. I can be more than that.  I'm sorry Johnny. I'm sorry for lying to you, and deceiving you, and having that be the last thing you ever got from me. But if I'm gonna be the one here, I'll live my life as best I can so I can live the life you never got to."

She rocked back on her feet, in her own world that only consisted of her and the grave she thought she deserved to be in. As guilty as she felt, she found it a little comforting that only one person was in the ground. Not two. The other was still alive and breathing. She'd at least saved one, even if it was from the peace he deserved, for her own selfish reasons.

She vaguely heard the sounds of someone else entering the cemetery, and then walking towards her, but she ignored them.

The person silently sat down beside her, taking it all in. She turned to see Dally, eyes locked on Johnny's grave.

"He deserved more," she said, her voice breaking.

"And we didn't give it to him," Dally replied in a tone that held equal parts sadness and anger.

She shook her head. "We kept him from getting the life he earned. What he deserved."

Estelle still wasn't big on personal contact, but she wrapped her arms around Dally, holding him close. "Please," she begged. "Don't leave me any time soon. I have to keep going. We have to live the life Johnny never got to. And I'll never be able to do that, if someone else leaves me."

"For Johnny," he agreed quietly.

She sighed. She could tell he was at the end of his patience, he still felt like he had failed Johnny.

"I know, Dally. We failed him. But all we can do now, is move. Doesn't have to be onwards. Thank you for coming with me."

Her eyes stung as she tried to keep the tears at bay. She saw tears welling up in Dally's eyes too, as he battled to keep his strong persona on.

"It's okay Dally. You can cry. We shouldn't be here, with Johnny, if we're gonna pretend to be something we aren't."