Porcelain

Chapter 37

The small farmhouse felt so much larger with just her there. She made some cookies to give the neighbors as a thanks, along with a note, before sitting on the porch to smoke a cigarette.

As she smoked, she tried to reflect on what had happened in her life and what she should do moving on.

In truth, she had no idea, as her parents had always given her what looked like a perfect childhood, save what happened behind closed doors. It meant that she had no idea how she was supposed to live a normal life, as the life she'd had that was supposed to be normal was anything but.

The silence was suffocating, so she stomped out her cigarette and went back into the door, slamming it as she walked through.

She picked back up her guitar, but nothing came to her. The song she'd been playing before the trip had been about Johnny, but now that she had other things she was worrying about, nothing came to her.

It was frustrating, her life moved so quickly that she always wanted a break, and now that she had it she didn't know what to do with herself.

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Dally didn't know what to think, so he simply chose not to. He'd drank so many cheap beers and mystery shots that none of him was left to live that night.

He wished Estelle was there to tell him what stupid choices he was making, and to make better stupid choices with him there.

But he didn't want to think about her, if he did he would have run after her. No, he was drunk at a party to forget her. He grabbed the nearest broad and started making out with her.

He couldn't help but be disappointed by the lack of passion behind the actions. The girls mouth tasted like cheap alcohol and cheaper cigarettes, nothing like how Estelle always tasted like cigarettes and fruit gum, as well as something that was uniquely Estelle. There was nothing that stood out to Dally about this girl.

He gave up on trying to forget about Estelle and instead pretended that this was her. So when the girl asked if he wanted to go somewhere quieter with her, he agreed.

He left sweaty with lipstick on his face and neck.

He hadn't done much with her, even in his drunken state it just hadn't felt right. That girl wasn't Estelle, pretending she was could only get him so far.

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He woke up back on the Curtis' couch with no memory of getting there. If he closed his eyes and started slipping back into sleep, he could almost believe that Estelle was lying across his chest, as she'd been just a few mornings before.

He heard voices talking in low voices in the background.

"You think Dally'll be okay?" Asked one voice. That was Sodapop.

Another voice sighed. "I hope so, he and Estelle had a rhythm in their lives and now it's gone. He'll be fine, Soda, he just has to get past this rough patch in his life."

"Do we know why she left again, just like that?"

"Nothing more than she told us in the note, just that she didn't think it was what was best at this point in their lives."

"And Dally's life is just made up of rough patches, we saw what happened when Johnny-"

Dally sat up and climbed off the couch, effectively shutting up the two brothers.

"Shut your traps, no one wants to hear y'all gabbing on and on about my life," he snarled.

Darry just smiled as if nothing had happened. "Good morning, Dally. You want some eggs?"

"Nah, I'm fine," he replied, staggering out the door with no destination in mind.

Even if his mind didn't like it, his feet took him to Johnny's grave.

"Johnny, I fucked up," he sighed.

He sat cross-legged at Johnny's grave, telling him more than he ever did when Johnny was alive. He told him of what happened after he died, how he tried to see him again, and how'd he and Estelle had left town together, and how she'd become a big part of his life, even if he couldn't say that he loved her yet. He finished off with how he'd been a coward, he'd been too scared of love, either from her or for her, and shoved he out of his life. She said that he could go to her when he was ready, but how would he ever know when that was?

Even though he obviously got no answers, by the time he left Dally felt at least a little bit better.

When Estelle left, she put control of his life into his hands, something he'd never acknowledged that he had before. Now, he had to learn how to use his life. He couldn't waste it.

He had to find his way, and now he knew that his was was back to her.