Porcelain

Chapter 39

"Well congratulations, Miss Parker," the doctor's voice rang loud in her ears, "your results came back positive. You're going to be a mother in about six months."

The world seemed to collapse around her as she heard the words she feared most in that moment. She left the doctor's office in a haze and went out to the car before driving off to the train tracks.

She sat in the car until she heard a train coming, and got out of the car. She went into the grass, and screamed he throat raw while the noise of the train coveted any sounds she made.

A small part of her wanted to just jump in front of the train there and then, and let all of her problems fade away with her. But she couldn't do that, she'd made promises to people and to do that would be betraying them.

She screamed until her throat burned and the train was passed. She drove quickly and recklessly home, much like Dallas in that moment.

She was still in disbelief as to where life had taken her, that she was now on track to become a single mother with no one left in her life beside her future child.

She thought for a moment before picking up the phone and dialing for the Curtis'. She didn't expect anyone to be home, so she restricted herself to a quick message so that it didn't matter who heard it later.

"Hey guys, it's me," she whispered. "Look, I've got stuff I need to work out and to do that I need people. So I'm probably gonna pop back into town sometime. Tell Dally," she gulped, "not to come looking for me at the farm. Or don't, I don't know if y'all have even seen him. Bye."

She hung up the phone and slumped down onto the kitchen table. There were now so many things she had to do, but she didn't want to do a single one of them.

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The next morning, she felt terrible, but she knew that she would ultimately feel worse if she sat there feeling sorry for herself. Besides, she'd been to men's jail. She'd been through much worse.

She called the neighbors, realizing that maybe she should just find a new home for the horses at this point, and threw her clothes into the back of her car and walked Ollie and got him into the car as well.

She wanted to slam her head into the steering wheel as she once again drove out of town towards Tulsa. She had broken her promise to herself so many times it was strange how she was keeping the promises she made to other people so diligently.

She felt miserable as she drove, both because of her broken promises and condition, but also because she was doing this alone. She wished that she had someone there with her. Obviously she wished that she'd never left Tulsa and left Dally, but by then she would have been satisfied to have any of the gang members there with her, even Steve or Two-Bit, whom she'd never interacted with much.

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Even though it wasn't a hugely long drive, it felt like it was when the entire time she wanted nothing more than to vomit or to go to bed, and on top of that she had to drive the entire way by herself with a dog who still wasn't fully used to car rides.

It was around noon on a weekday, so when she pulled into the Curtis house no one was home, so she gave Ollie some food and water before letting him into the yard. She then forced herself to drink a glass of water, before collapsing onto the couch.

She was starting to hate that couch. It was never a good thing when she was on that couch.

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She woke up out of a nightmare around three hours later as Ponyboy shook her shoulder, a concerned look on his face.

"You looked real distressed and you were thrashing around, are you okay?" He asked.

"I'll be fine," she dismissed. "It was just a dream, I can handle those by myself."

"Just making sure."

"Thanks."

She dragged herself off of the couch and into the kitchen, and looked around for something that seemed appealing to her to eat.

"So why are you here?" Ponyboy asked, a but bluntly.

Estelle paused and looked at him.

"Sorry," he winced. "That was blunt. I meant to ask what you needed to do here, after living by yourself just fine?"

She sighed and tried to find an answer. "I've just been alone so much of my life. I'm sick of it. I thought it was what I wanted, but I'm thinking that maybe what I actually need is people there for me."

He nodded. "That makes sense. Because if there was just stuff you needed like a message passed on, you didn't have to drive all the way out here for that."

She gently slapped him on the back of the head. "I know that much, dummy. I wouldn't waste my time and energy driving here otherwise."

"Yeah, yeah, I just wanted to make sure."

"Don't worry about me. Honest," she said, looking him in the eyes. "I know how to take care of myself. I'll be fine. It should be me worrying about you, not the other way around," she said, chuckling a little.

"Oh!" Ponyboy exclaimed, smacking his forehead. "I'm being a terrible host. You want anything?"

She laughed. "Just give it up, whenever I'm here I good as live here. I'll take care of myself, don't you worry your pretty little head," she said in a mockingly condescending way.

Ponyboy scowled as she helped herself to some fruit and a bowl of dry cereal.

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She left the house while Ponyboy was distracted with Ollie and before Sodapop and Carry were back.

She quietly slipped around town, taking in the way life had mostly gone back to normal there.

Even though it was reality, it felt fake to her. She hated it. She knew she was the fake one as she walked around with her boyish hair and blue jeans and jean jacket and boots, like she wasn't a pregnant seventeen year old girl. But Tulsa had to her been nothing if not honest, and the way it seemed the exact same as if nothing had ever happened irked her.

She made her way out to the park, where she saw the fountain still flowing water. As if a boy hadn't died there, and another nearly drowned there.

There was the tree she'd slept under for years as her parents took out their bitterness and grief on her and called it love. There was the spot where Dally, the boy she loved nearly died. The spot where she'd made one of the decisions that lead her directly to where she was now.

But really, who was she to say she loved him? Who was she, to act like she knew what love was? No one had really shown her love, they'd never taken the time to teach her what love was or how to love. How did she have the audacity to claim that she loved someone? Because if she truly loved him, she wouldn't have forced him to stay with her and then pushed him away. If she truly loved him, she would have let him be happy.

And what about Johnny? She'd barely had time to know him when he'd been cruelly ripped out of her life. All of their lives. How could she say that she loved him when she'd barely known him? Did love at first sight count when you platonically loved someone? Was it even real? If it was, she didn't think it was in her life.

She went back to her tree and curled up underneath it. She pulled her jacket tighter around her, scowling as it didn't fit around her growing frame the way it used to.