Porcelain

Chapter 51

She wasn't sure how much longer she was going to be able to keep her pregnancy secret. Or how long the secret would keep before it was ultimately revealed. Or how much longer she was going to have the energy to keep up the lie.

She once again picked at her breakfast, then sprinted to the bathroom to vomit after trying to eat. She'd told the gang she had a stomach bug, but that excuse was wearing thin as her symptoms continued on for over a week, and no one else seemed to be sick.

"Estelle, I think you need to go see a doctor if this keeps up," Sodapop said as he grabbed clothes from his dresser. He had kindly allowed her to use his bedroom, but it was clear that he was starting to miss it. She didn't blame him. She was starting to feel bad about it, she could most definitely go sleep on the couch and kick Dally to the floor, as there was nothing wrong with her, pregnancy was natural.

She tried to smile. "I'll be okay, Soda. I don't think it'll last that much longer, right? Besides, doctors are expensive. I wouldn't want to waste money on that over nothing."

"It's not nothing. You've been pukin' for over a week."

"I'll be fine, Soda. Promise," she said, trying to sound convincing. It wasn't a total lie, the morning sickness did seem to be getting at least a little better.

"Okay," he sais, looking unconvinced. "But if you're not better by next week, you're going to the doctor, even if someone has to drag you."

_____
Estelle ran her hands through her hair in frustration. She knew she had to start figuring out stuff long term, as in she had to start baby shopping and house shopping, but until she got some feedback from Dally she couldn't really do much, they still hadn't made any real plans for where they were going to live once the baby was born. Frankly, neither of them wanted to think about it, so they were avoiding everything related to the future and family entirely.

The simplest thing to do would be to buy things and go to Arkansas, where they already had a guaranteed house, but she didn't want to have to be alone with Dallas and a child, so she mentally crossed that out as an option.

So finding a place in Tulsa was the obvious choice. Only, there really was no good place for people like them. Obviously they would want a place on their side of the tracks, but the area was notorious for violence and poverty. A terrible place to raise a family. Then again, multiple poor Greaser families already had. Families with overworked mothers and alcoholic and abusive father's.

Honestly, with the money she was working with she might be able to get them over to the West side. Not that she would want to do that, but it would mean her kid would get a better place to grow up in.

Nope. No. She couldn't do it. Even if it was a better place for her child it would be worse for her and Dally. East side it was. Between her and Dally, they could keep themselves safe. Besides, they had a guard dog too.

Speaking of, he was a farm dog, it wasn't fair to Ollie to keep his life in limbo as well. She had started figuring things out with the horses and the neighbors, the neighbor's daughter had expressed an interest in them for her children, which would also bring in more dough.

She got up from the table, these kinds of things were far from her expertise. She'd just ask Darry to help her, he'd be up for the task, he would probably be happy to get the couple off his couch as soon as possible.

She reached in her pocket for a smoke, then groaned in frustration. Ponyboy had taken her pack away, said it was bad for her baby. She'd argued that it was bad for him too, he ran track and he was wrecking his lungs. But he'd argued back that it was his choice to ruin his lungs, her baby at least deserved to make the choice to ruin its own lungs. She couldn't really argue with that logic. Besides, what was she gonna so, tell the kid no?

Instead she tried and focus on eating and drinking, which seemed to be the main concern for her. Even though he stomach continued to grow, she wasn't putting on much weight, because the sickness was throwing out any small amount of food she got down, and she had pushed down any cravings she had for years, and she ignored any she had now. Even Dally was concerned about her, in his own way though, so she realized it was time to put pickiness aside and just eat.

She didn't eat much, but she drank a glass of water. It was progress. She blamed it on stress. She was alone at a house that wasn't hers, and the father of her child was off doing who knows what. She could tell. He was starting to drift again. He didn't want a kid, and she could tell he was starting to view her as a good that came along with a pain in his ass instead of a partner, someone he could confide in or rely on. And it hurt. But she knew that at the end of the day, she couldn't force his hand, she couldn't make his choices for him.

Part of the reason her pregnancy was still a secret was because Dally had wanted to keep it a secret. He said it was because he didn't want news to spread around town and for it to become a weakness for both of them, but she knew. He didn't want to tell the gang because he was ashamed. Of the fact that she was pregnant, the choices that lead them to that point, and the future just around the corner looming towards them.

He might be possessive of her, but it was in the same way he was of his items, less in the way he was possessive of the people in his life.

She shook her head. She'd quit being productive in hopes of de-stressing, but instead she'd just quit being productive to work herself into an anxious mess on the kitchen floor.

Something had to change, but she wasn't quite sure what. As she slapped her hair out of her face again, she suddenly had an idea exactly what she could do right that moment.

She grabbed a pair of scissors, and went to the bathroom. Fuck it all, even if it made her look like the "girl" she was, she didn't give a shit. It had to go. She pulled it all away from her face and started cutting away until her hair fell in wispy layers, almost framing her face. It was rough and unorganized, in laughable contrast from how she had looked all dolled up in a dress with makeup and curled hair.

She knew everyone was going to hate it.

Perfect.