I don't wanna be your friend

Chapter 20

The prickling sun rays were piercing into his skin from above and melting away all the stiffness which felt like slabs of ice jammed between his muscles in an almost punishing way. But within every few seconds, the clouds would come to his rescue by obscuring his face from the Sun's line of vision, leaving him to bask in the filtered intensity of its warmth. And by just listening to the way the leaves were rustling in an almost whisper was an indication the flow of wind was towards the west.

With his eyes still closed, Cedric inwardly laughed at the way he was feeling. It was a surprise to realize that he was surprised with himself— which around two weeks back would've seemed impossible. He'd have asked himself, 'you think you've got any hidden talent inside you that you'll wake up one day and be surprised to find it? No.'
But no, after lying down for a few moments in the lush, green blades of grass, he did wake up to find that some dormant part of him liked to be wax poetic about nature.

Cedric marveled at finding this new side to him— the side that allowed him to be immersed in the peace and beauty of nature, the side that gave his body and mind the freedom to sway and be in sync with all the motion that was a force of nature. Previously, he didn't even know that his thoughts could be this deep when they were non-self-conscious.

He hadn't ever given himself this chance to discover himself in his thoughts... that was until Damien brought him to this place.

He would've liked to say that the first day he ever set his barefoot in this place was also the last time he ever did that, but now Cedric knew that it would be a heavy loss on his part if that were to be true. And the sad part was that he'd have been oblivious to it, which kept him thinking to himself, 'how many such losses have you gone through without ever being aware of them?'

He didn't know how many, and he will never know exactly how many lost opportunities he was to mourn, but in these small moments of self-discovery, he was discovering a few of them. He kept wondering, staying awake at night, he thought about all the 'what if's' and 'what would have been's.'

But there was one thing he was certain of.

Out of all those lost things, Damien was Cedric's biggest loss.

Opening his right eye, Cedric tilled his head to look at Damien— who was resting against a tree and writing something in his notebook with his guitar resting in his lap.

Cedric continued to look at him for a few more frozen moments, taking in the expression of sharp concentration on Damien's face, how his eyes were narrowed, and how his lips were pressed into a tight line as he read the lines he wrote in his book again and again, how the sunlight fell just right to cast his face into a soft shadow and made his ebony hair shine line a polished surface. He turned his head away and closed his eyes again.

It seemed like nature wasn't the only thing his unrestrained thoughts admired today.

For what seemed like the thousandth time in 2 weeks and the tenth time in the last hour, Cedric again had the same thought— how different his life would've been, only if Damien Frost had been his friend and not his enemy since 9th grade.

If that were true in some alternate universe, there would be no comparison in both realities.

If they had been friends, maybe Damien would've shown him this place long back. Would this place have the same calming effect it has on him now even then? Calming enough to stop him from taking his pain medication that day last year where Cedric was almost drowning in pain and tears, when those pills seemed to be the only solution?
Would he have been invited to those weekend dinners like all of Damien's bandmates were? Would Sophia have asked him to help her bake her orders— something Cedric looked forward to now with enthusiasm.
Would Sophia have been there to shower him with wisdom when he felt lost and had no one to guide him?
Would he have sat with Jayson and Ron throughout high school when he had to solve math problems in the library instead of feeling lonely like he did?
Would he have known Caiden right since he was a baby? And Clara? Would he have felt like the big brother he would never be?