I don't wanna be your friend

Chapter 26

Cedric was supposed to know better than not waiting for the other shoe to drop. With how good everything was going, there obviously had to be a catch lying somewhere. And he felt that fear lodge in him as soon as Damien subtly tried to bring that topic into their conversation.

He had been stalling even thinking about it, because after what felt like a lifetime, Cedric was finally finding that balance where he found his share of happiness, but the threat of change was constantly chasing him.

When he was done using all of his tricks to avoid that conversation from starting, he felt Damien's arms wrap around him from behind in a hug. Feeling the warmth and comfort seeping out of him, Cedric relaxed and leaned his head back into Damien's shoulder. After a few moments of Damien's breath tickling his ear, he heard him ask, "what's wrong, Ced?"

Cedric sighed. If he had learned anything from all the time he spent together with Damien, it was that 'honesty is the best policy,' but with how he felt in Damien's embrace, he was afraid he'd end up being more honest than he'd have liked. So he pulled away to put the distance he needed and tiredly flopped onto his bed.

Hearing his sigh, Damien rested on the other side of the bed.

"Since my SAT and ACT scores are high, I got into all the five colleges I had applied to. Sometimes, when I used to look around myself and feel angry and feel all alone, I would plan on going somewhere far away—maybe choosing a college on the East Coast or in the South. And I would wonder if, with the time and distance separating us, would my parents forget about my existence? I was willing to test it out. But now I see it for what it is— if I did that, I wouldn't be starting from scratch, I would simply be running away. And I don't want to do that anymore. I hadn't imagined staying close to home after graduation, but Stanford is offering me an amazing tennis scholarship."

Cedric turned his head to the side to observe Damien's reaction— which was blank— and the silence between them stretched until Cedric felt compelled to speak again.

"I wish I didn't have to make this decision, and I wish things didn't have to change so soon— just when everything is starting to feel right. I don't want to put this pressure on you, and I know we've agreed to make no promises, but if I choose to stay here and go to Stanford, it will be more than just for the scholarship or the opportunities it can offer me."

That was as close as Cedric could come to saying I don't want to let you go, I don't want to lose this.

Whatever he saw and felt in Cedric's tone made Damien's expression soften, and he scooted closer to him.

"I'm not going anywhere, Lance. I've decided not to go to college— it's just not for me. I'll stay home for 6 months after graduation, and I think it will be enough time for me to make money until I can rent a studio apartment somewhere close. I know how ambitious you are, and I would hate to think that what we have will have to come in between you and your goals, or me and my goals. That's not us. So whatever decision you make— whether it is to go to Stanford or anywhere else in the globe— I want you to know I'm not going anywhere."

The sincerity in Damien's eyes and his touch as his thumb caressed along Cedric's cheek made all the complications in Cedric's perspective seem simple, and it was in times like these that Cedric wished he could be brave enough to tell Damien that he loved him more and more with every passing day— but he felt like neither of them were ready to go there yet. Instead, he leaned in and kissed Damien with the passion of all the words he couldn't say.

No matter what decision Cedric took, he knew there would always be difficulties he would have to face if he wanted his relationship with Damien to work out, and if he really wanted that, he knew he needed to learn how to talk about and mend the existing relationships in his life to move forward.