Too much

1: No one knows

Star's P.O.V.

It's true. It's real and that makes it even scarier. I'm really pregnant. I haven't told anyone yet. I don't really plan to but that's an unrealistic plan. How the hell do I hide a whole baby? And I don't wanna hide it. I don't know what to do but I know I don't want an abortion. Everyone deserves to live mistake or not. And I can't kill a child. I won't. I just don't know what to do if I had it.

I'm positive my parents would disown me. I'm not too worried about that part because I can make a way for myself but what about school? I can't take care of a baby and focus on school. I also don't want to haul it on anybody else. I know for a fact that all the plans I had for college are out the window. There's no way I can be states away from my baby for long periods of time. No one will watch it for that long and I can't take it with me.

I'm scared and I want to vent to someone but I can't tell anyone. I don't know how. And I'm embarrassed. 18 with a baby? What will people think? What will my parents think? My dad? He won't approve. And when he finds out it's Billie's? When Billie finds out? It's too much. I might just keep it to myself. I don't even know the first thing about pregnancy or having a baby.

I want to tell CeCe so bad but when I open my mouth, nothing comes out. I don't throw up a whole lot but I need to constantly sit down. I'm almost always hungry and I get really tired. The last time I went to the doctor, they said my iron was kind of low. I've been trying to deal with that and keep this baby healthy. All I can think is that I'm not ready. A beautiful gift but I'm not ready. 

You can see my belly bump but just a little bit. Sometimes at night I would rub my stomach and talk to it. It's kind of weird when I think about being a mom. A mom. That's crazy. I've been kind of distant with my friends and Billie. My head always swarms with thoughts about the pregnancy when I'm around them. When we do hang out, I'm quiet. I can't seem to wrap my head around the idea. It's so surreal. I hide any paperwork from the doctor.

I've been trying to be happy about it. I do. I am. It's just that a part of me regrets being so stupid. I should've made her wear a condom that time and the first time I never got a pill because I forgot. But I hate that part of myself. The regret. I don't want to regret this beautiful bundle of joy. I don't want to feel like it's a mistake. But the thoughts always creep into my mind.

I cry. Almost every night. I cry myself to sleep. I want to love this baby with all I have but I can't even accept it. It tears me apart. I really want to but my mind won't let me. Sometimes I get frustrated over the little things. I refrain from wearing crop tops and dresses. I feel fat and ugly. I feel disgusting and it's a dreading feeling. I hate that part in my brain that makes me hate myself.

Sometimes I try to treat myself because I think it'll make me feel better about myself but it doesn't help. I just end up feeling ridiculous and say fuck the whole idea. One time when I was in my room alone, I put on this dress that always made me feel pretty. But then I saw the bump. My fingertips grazed over the bump where the dress was see-through. A tear ran down my cheek as I aggressively took off the dress. I immediately threw up after.

I haven't talked to anyone in like a week. Whenever I was with them I felt lonely. I still feel lonely. Billie tries everything in her power to make me feel better. She bought my favorite dish but I couldn't even keep it down and it upset me. I can tell she doesn't know what to do and I feel bad for her because she doesn't how to help me or if she even can. She's asked me on numerous occasions what was wrong but I always tell her nothing and that I'm fine. 

She knows I'm lying but she doesn't push it. I don't know whether to feel relieved or sad about that. I'm not gonna tell her. I don't care how many times she asks but I also feel sad when she doesn't keep pushing to figure out why I'm like this. She calls and texts but I don't answer. She comes over but I lock my room door and don't let anyone in. I cry when I hear how broken she sounds. Talking to me behind the door. I always feel the urge to just let her in but I don't.

Just a snippet into Star's mind and her mental health status. In case it wasn't clear, a month has passed. But hi guys. I hope y'all ready for this roller coaster.