paracosm-delusional nightmares

{súton}

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Let me start from the beginning of the imaginary end.

Taking a bath,
With the shower over my head,
And my hair and body is an aim for the shower's dart,
Getting relief from the feeling of being dead.

The entire restroom,
It kind of feels like my safe space,
Where I think the most unthinkable ideas
And escape from my anxious life.

But today,
It wasn't.

Everything suddenly felt suffocating,
I felt as if I was trapped in a cage
With my body just numb,
And the water feeling like a mage,
Trying to make me disappear from my messed up life.

My throat hurt,
So did my stomach,
And my head
Felt like it was going to burst.

Then came the nauseous feeling
And it hurt so much
To not spill my insides right at that second to get some relief,
And to keep awake for any longer
Was becoming a challenge for me.

'I think I am going to faint,
This nauseous feeling isn't stopping,
Is this what it feels like when I'm dying?
I don't want to feel this ever again.
I don't think I can live,'
My thoughts said to me.

I said,
'Hold on a second longer.
Just sit somewhere.
It'll be alright.
Yeah, just sit.
Is your throat hurting now?
No.
You're alright.
Everything's alright.'

But who was I kidding?
Nothing's going to be alright.
My head is messed up.
And this is what people who are demented think.
Nothing was happening,
Nothing big,
Yet I felt as if the world was tumbling down.
I was terrified.
Can't describe the feeling,
But I don't want to feel that again.
And if I didn't sit down at that moment,
People would have found a dead body,
Naked and blue,
Swimming in her own blood,
While her hair slightly blew
In the wind like a thousand daffodil buds.
No signs of violence on her,
Yet no signs of self-death
Only the dried-up tears in her eyes,
Telling the story of a thousand words in her head.

And I'm glad to be still alive,
I really am,
But now that it's all over,
I'm wondering,
If I had not sat down at that moment,
Would I have a better life with many improvements?

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-about-

written: april 18, 2021

This is more like an experience than a poem, but since I wrote about it, I thought why not publish it in this collection. So maybe this is one of the poems that I wrote during my saddest moment as I said in the description.

So this is an incident that actually happened to me back in April 2021. I was taking a bath when I suddenly started feeling really nauseous, and honestly, I felt like I was going to die. Over-reacting much? Maybe. But I think what I felt at that moment cannot be described.
I now understand that I had a panic attack, a pretty severe one. The symptoms are similar, and I have an anxiety disorder, so maybe because of that too.

-anyways, thanks for reading, people! do vote and comment if you liked it-

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