paracosm-delusional nightmares

{thantophobia}

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yes, i like weird things,
yes, i love reading,
yes i like thinking about
overthinking, you, me and what-not.

yes, i think twice,
and a few hundred times
before clicking 'send' on those messages,
why?
because i love that nervousness
that causes inside me that restlessness.

yes, i want to meet up,
but at the same time, i do not,
because it always ends in flames,
believe me, i know that.

yes, i like books,
the ones that make me feel
that i'm not alone
in this sad spiralling world reel.

yes, i like procrastinating,
i like to do things late,
because that's what gives me the chills,
and you can't deny that it isn't an experience great.

yes, i like staying up till 3 a.m.,
maybe that's what helps me get those random adrenaline rushes,
when i have tons of work,
but i still stay up thinking about you and your faint pulses.

yes i love getting that adrenaline
when i do the wrong things,
but they never feel wrong,
when it's with you,
because it feels like the world stops revolving,
when you join me and become a fool.

yes, i love being weird,
yes, i love my books,
because this is my life darling,
and sooner or later you'll drown in it too.

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but now that i stand here,
shattering those vases filled with lies,
i still can't believe you're gone,
without a single goodbye.

tell me, love,
is it because
when i finally gathered up the courage to tell you,
in my calmest and broken voice
"yes, i like you"
did you shatter to pieces?
you mingled into the air,
or answer me, darling,
were you ever even there?

"yes, i loved you"
notice the past tense?
this is what you are,
you were never there
yet you were
you helped me cope with my anxiety,
then left me with a broken and missing piece.

tell me, love,
where did i go wrong?
was it because i wasn't good enough?
or was it because you were just never there?

you never came into my life?
answer me now.
tell me why you gave me up at MY happiest moment?
when you clearly never got yours?

i fell deep into this paracosm,
didn't i?
but tell me,
why can't i come out of it?

is this my life,
one that's made up of lies?
one that's full of my liking,
but no one to listen to them,
now that you're gone.

and now that i hear you whisper
i don't want to accept it,
"you are happier now
and i was never yours, i was just your mind and your heart
put together to create me
but
yes, i liked your weird life,
yes, i loved your obsessions,
yes, i drowned in you,
but tell me darling,
didn't you too?"

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-about-

written: february 12, 2021

Frankly, I don't remember when I wrote the poem. Other than the date, which is always shown above the text, I have no idea of when I wrote this.
I think this is one of my midnight-written poems. Why don't I remember?
What I can say though, is that this poem is very close to my heart. After writing this, I sent it to one of the poets here on watt-pad and she liked this a lot. I'm thankful for that because after that moment I actually got the inspiration to publish this book.
I wrote this poem thinking about one of the Paracosms that I have made in my mind, and so the person in the poem is completely imaginary. But I still like this because it describes me as a person.

-anyways, thanks for reading, people!! do vote and comment if you liked it-

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