paracosm-delusional nightmares

{happiness, a myth}

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happiness is but a myth,

trust me,it is.

i tried to trust happiness,
it didn't lead me anywhere.

i tried to learn the meaning of happiness,
i was kicked in the guts for even trying.

you see,
i'm a girl.
girls don't get happiness,
girls die.
they cry.
they bear a child.
then take care of that all their life.

but that's not what i want to say.
it's happiness
i'm running after.
although it doesn't get me anywhere.

i'm proud of myself
for coming this far.

you see,
i'm depressed.
i came to know that
not through diagnosis,
not through tests,
but through the scars on my arms,
through my red flowers trickling down
all over my body.

but that's not what i want to say,
it's happiness i want to see.
it doesn't get me anywhere.

you see,
i'm suicidal.
it was confirmed the day
i tried to hurt myself
in various ways.
it was confirmed the day
i tried to jump off of the roof.
it didn't get me anywhere.

i miss the real me,
i miss the person i used to be,
i miss the pure parts of me
before they were tainted.

i miss myself.

i try to scream,
nothing comes out.
i try to beg for my life,
no one replies.

is there a god out there?
it's happiness i want.
it's happiness i seek.

you see,
i'm trying.
to live.
am i succeeding?
time will tell.

my parents care more about their practices and religious thoughts
than their child who's living in a cold draught.

i'm seeking happiness,
i'm wanting it to come to me and say,
"your days of suffering are over."

but oh,
what a joke.

all happiness says to me is,
"happiness is but a myth, isn't it?"

i beg for it,
it doesn't reply.

but when i'm at my last breath,
remembering every word from the start,
i hope i hear happiness telling me,
"i'm proud of you for coming this far."

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-about-

written: september 17, 2021

{not written from my perspective}

i wrote this poem thinking of how people chase happiness and satisfaction in their life, but what even is that? happiness is not true, or maybe it is. but at the end of the day, happiness is a delusion, for me.
this is kind of like the same poem that i wrote titled 'happiness', but pretty different at the same time.

this poem is completely imaginary. some parts of it are true, and some of them are from my imagination. i hope it doesn't trigger anyone.

-anyways, thanks for reading, people!! do vote and comment if you liked it-

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