Yours Truly, Amari [Completed]

Thirty [Part Two]

THIRTY [PART TWO]
contd.

Then, one time. I was just staring at the mere darkness of her room. I hugged her pillow and soaked myself to her remaining scent. Hanggang sa matanong ko sa sarili ko— hanggang kailan? Hanggang kailan ako magiging ganito?

And that was where reality slapped me hard. My Queen, she's just out there... she might— at least I'm hoping— that she was waiting for me even though she said that her patience have gone away.

Because she didn't rejected me as her mate.

With that little hope I manifested in me. I started coming back to the world little by little— I'll be better for myself— so I could be better for her when we will be meeting again. I'll be deserving for myself— so I could be deserving for her.

I set out goals for myself— I venture out again and asked for a leave to pack works for a week. I started making little wonders by my own— without anyone around to talk to— without my Queen to be with.

At that moment with myself, I realized how much I depended my happiness to others instead of finding it within me. I realized how much I depended myself to the love of others instead of manifesting it in me. I realized how I lost myself in the journey I choose to live; I realized how I lost myself for giving all that I could give just because I wanted to be with those people I expected to be with me also.

I lost myself by thinking that I could find the happiness I am needing by depending it to others. I lost myself... that I have forgotten my own.

Kasi ang ang totoo kahit anong paglagay ko ng maraming band aid— the deep hollowness inside me will never be repaired with those.

I then decided to talked to my parents because I want to start a new where there will be no questions in me and so I could finally find my own. I thought of coming to Italy when I have known where that they were there but they won't let me. Until, they explained all the things they didn't told me about.

"I'm sorry, anak. I k-know, our choices will not be justified but I hope you understand— I hope you could forgive us. Alam naming s-sobra ka naming nasaktan— pasensya ka na, 'nak. Na—naging selfish kami ng Daddy mo." My mother sobbed that I cannot help but cry with her and my father also.

Regret was all seen on their faces but there is no point anymore as they said because they have made a choice and they have to tale responsibility with it.

"An—ang daming sana. But it already happened, the choice that we made was already decided, the damage was done and there will be no turning back. But, my dear son, know that we love you so m—much and we never forget about you." She continued and I just answerer it with continuous nods and me wanting to hug them tightly.

"You just don't know but when we have a mission there— dadaanan ka na—min. Kahit tingin lang k-kasi delikado, hindi ka n-namin malapitan." My Mother pursed her lips while my Father silently wiped his own tears.

That time, I just listened to them. I let myself open up for them and discarded my hate. I have realized how much grudge I hold up for them. I cry myself out and told them all the things that I have gone through. All that I have been expecting from them. All. And I have forgave them— everyone deserves it, anyway. It will be starting point of Oplan: Me First; thus, I also started forgiving myself.