Yours Truly, Amari [Completed]

Thirty

WARNING: There are topics of suicide, depression, many bad words and such, although the suicidal part was not particularly elaborated, as in isang sentence lang siya— but of course for those who doesn't like that brief part— you have been warned.

THIRTY

LIFE WAS NEVER EASY FOR ME. At an early age, I have loathed the world I live in. For I have lived with all those bashful whispers and glaring with disgust eyes. Some people calling you insulting names and your parents leaving you at ten alone and just left you with just a hand-written letter.

They didn't even kissed nor hug me goodbye; whispers some words of assurance. Although, my parents have accepted me for who I am— they lied when they said they would be there for me in every step that I take. They lied.

I have hated them since then. I have prayed every night for them to come back but they never did. I have learned being friend with darkness at young age— I almost break down— plus those words and looks that some people gave me, my parents neglecting me— I always felt rejected and me, having a sensitive heart has its part. I almost give up with the life that I have— at 15; I lie on the road and wait for a car to take me to the endless darkness. I was so exhausted— I always show a brave front but my heart was hollow— I always wished for attention and affection but I always overlooked.

Until, Alpha Avery met Pristine; his future Luna. I became more jealous— I became more villain. I am aware that I am not a good man— because if someone will really fvcked up with me— hell will be damned if I am not going without fighting back.

That time, I really envied the way they argue and then make up; and will become sickly sweet in front of me. I even tried stealing Avery's attention not because I like him— nah, I don't like him— he is my superior and my best friend; I just love making fun of him— so, yeah, I tried pissing Pristine off kasi nabubwiset ako sa kakalambing nila sa isa't isa. My blood is boiling with a fvcking jealousy— kasi gusto ko rin no'n— I want it; I need that kind of genuine affection. I want an attention— that attention that was all on me and no one else.

Then, Pristine introduced her friend who has the same name like mine. She— looks plain and simple until she laughed at nainis lang ako kasi naiinggit na nga ako sa dalawang tuko sa harapan ko— tatawanan pa ako.

I don't know— when I met Queen the first time— kumukulo ang dugo ko. Nakakagigil s'ya; mukha s'yang laging walang pakialam at mas lalong nag-iinit ang ulo kapag nakikita ko s'yang gano'n— that is why I started irritating her but she was always so calm when she would tell me that I need to stop because it was not good.

Nakakainis. Nakaka-tangina. I want— well, I don't really know what I want from her that time, what I know is that— I want to see her burst and put her attention all on me and shout at me— but Queen will not do that unless really provoked like when I made fun of her thesis paper— nakakahiya, but fvck, iniyakan ko 'yung galit niya sa'kin. I felt rejected, really. Pero kasalanan ko naman. She keeps on understanding me but I always provoked her— pero no'ng napuno na s'ya— damn, I regret it big time.

But Queen being Queen— she is very forgiving and open— sa pangungulit ko no'n. Man, because of her— I am forgetting all the damned things in my life; being with her is a calm escape— she is like that safe haven where you could take refuge on and will embrace you with an open arms.