Drowning in a River of Denial (Jalex)

I'm Forced to Deal With What I Feel

Here is the thing. I wrote it at like 3am on a school night and there are like 5 billion time skips pls spare me.

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Jack

I had always spent endless nights lying in bed and wondering this- How would people react if they knew? How would they find out? How would I react? And in that exact moment, I had all the answers that I’d stirred restlessly about late at night and I certainly didn’t expect this. I didn’t expect to freeze up, and have my hands shake relentlessly. I didn’t expect my heart to skip a beat, or my lips to part as I fought for words. All my excuses, and my cover ups seemed to slip my mind and disappear somewhere which definitely wasn’t going to come back.

My body seemed to free itself of it’s frozen state, but stayed tense as I sat up, pulling down the hem of my shirt hastily, my eyes wide. I let out a breath I didn’t realise I was holding as I felt Zack’s hand grasp my shoulder carefully. I flinched and swallowed heavily, and decided that this could have been one of the worst silences I’d ever experienced.

“Jack-“ Zack began to speak, his voice soft and caring. Before he could even begin what he was going to say, I’d already freed myself from his grip and pushed myself off of the bed, breathing heavily.

“Jack, come on,” Rian murmured feebly. I shook my head in response, body trembling as I twisted the doorknob and rushed downstairs. I heard their footsteps following me down, thundering down the polished steps loudly. I’d made it to the front lawn before they caught up with me, and felt Rian’s firm grip on my forearm, preventing me from going any further.

“Dude, talk to us,” He mumbled, and tugged me closer, my arm burning with the harsh contact. “Hey, calm down, it’s okay,” And no, it wasn’t okay. None of this was okay. Hell- Rian didn’t even know what was going on. I barely even knew what happened because things seemed to begin to blur into one huge haze.

Rian lifted his free hand, and swiped his thumb attentively beneath my eyes. I didn’t notice my warm tears before that moment and pushed away his hand, using the sleeve of my hoodie to wipe at my eyes. Zack stepped forward, a frown prominent on his defined features. In his usual Zack-like way, he rested a hand on both of our shoulders and softly spoke,

“Jack, don’t shut us out. Not this time,” And I honestly couldn’t have felt worse in that moment- because they’d noticed. They noticed the walls I’d built up, and I could only hope they couldn’t see the grave I was slowly digging myself. This was about the time where I’d completely broke down, falling into Rian’s chest with deep, heaving sobs. My friend seemed to know exactly what to do, and comfortingly held me close to him, having to stand on his toes to hook his head over my shoulder.

-

My body shook with a final sigh, and I squeezed my eyes shut. Playing with Zack’s hand absently, I cleared my throat, “I… My Dad,”

“What?” Ri questioned, and I realised he still didn’t know. Hesitantly, I pulled my shirt up, over my hip. It wasn’t a lot of exposed skin, but it was enough for him to see the deep purple, and sickingly yellow bruises adorning my body. He drew a deep breath, and in a low, faint voice he said, “Oh- Oh my God. Did your Dad-?”

“Just- Just don’t tell anyone, okay? Nothing I say leaves this room,” I warned, and waited for their nods before continuing, “It’s been this way since I was eight and I’m- I’m used to it,”

“You shouldn’t be fucking used to this shit, Jack.” Rian’s voice rose, and he was shaking his head. I knew he’d be mad.

“I know, but I am, Ri,” I responded, and sat up straighter. “It’s not always like this- there are ways of coping. I’ve found ways around it. I stay at Alex’s as often as I can, a-and he fucked off for a long time, once,” I wasn’t sure why I was playing it off as if it was nothing- I knew I was worse than I made it out to be.