Drowning in a River of Denial (Jalex)

I End Up Telling You What You Wanna Hear

"Hello?" He put it on speaker. A static-like sound was in the background, merging with the sounds of people talking and laughing. If I listened close enough, I could decipher who a few of the voices belonged to.

"Hey, Tay. What's up?" His voice held fake concern, but when I looked over his face, I could see the corner of his mouth tweaked in an almost discreet smile. I wondered if Tay could pick out the falseness in his tone.

“I’ve been worried about you, Alex. Are you alright?" Her voice rung through the speakers, sounding somehow deeper than it was in real life through the phone.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I mean... I'm good," He corrected himself after a moment, before biting his bottom lip to conceal a smile. My eyes fixed themselves onto his lips, staring when he released his lower lip.

"Oh? What’s going on?”  She let go of the previous mood, and you could hear her curious self return in an instant.

"I can't really say..." He spoke, and glanced down beside him, to where I was lazily sprawled out. His cheeks were tinted with a slight red. I couldn’t help the way my eyes seemed to drag over everything from the way his eyes were heavy lidded, to his collar bones, to his exposed hip.

"Why not? Come on, Lex, I'd tell you," She whined, her voice dragging out the 'come on'. Whilst they bickered back and forth, I entertained the thought of her finding out how completely and utterly gay both Alex and I were. I felt almost bad as my thoughts became bitter, wondering if that would make her realize that he was most certainly not into her, or any girl for that matter.

I briefly imagined how she’d react to Alex coming out to her, and held back a grin at the various scenarios playing out inside my mind. I’d practically prepared myself for any reaction after at least a minute, and how Alex would respond.

But, really, would Alex ever want to tell her that he is completely, sincerely and without a question, gay? Would her ever want to tell anyone? It took him months to confess it to me, and he didn’t even mean to.

And when I saw how determined he was to not let it out, it got me thinking even more. Were we even something? Or was this just something casual, with no intent on becoming anything more than bestfriends? The possibility of "something more" seemed to have opened up, or atleast was considerable now that everything was out in the open, but if this was going to stay between us, was there any point in making anything official? Maybe he'd be happier if the two of us went on about as friends who sometimes kissed and said relationship-type things to eachother. Maybe that's what we both needed. We had a lot of things we needed to resolve, and there were things that were still being pushed under the rug, and being made non-existent for the time being. And not only stuff that has been happening between the two of us, but also whatever shit we’ve been dealing with on our own.

I felt good around Alex, but not on my own, and I was sure it was the same for him. We were both extremely dependant on others, especially eachother, and the truth of it as we'd found out, is that we're not always going to be around each other- there was no way. I couldn't continue expecting Alex to save me from whatever shit I was thinking about, and I couldn't continue destroying myself the second we're apart.

All of my internal rambling aside, no matter what we did, one of us was going to be unhappy with it, so were we supposed to complicate it more with a relationship? Not only that, but one that could possibly jeopardize whatever reputation or respect we've gathered? It's not as if I particularly cared about people other than our small friend group giving a shit or not- it was Alex. Hell, after what he'd been through at his other school, I wouldn't have blamed him. Knowing what happened last time he'd been open, I'm sure he expected a repeat of last time. It wasn't like I could convince him that people weren't going to respond that way again, because I didn’t know for sure. I knew that the people at our school were at least somewhat tolerant, but Alex didn’t know that.

It took me a minute to bring myself out of the daze of it all when Alex bid his goodbye to a defeated Tay. He gave me a sorry grin, and I returned a small smile back, still slightly in a haze.

"What's up? Oh- Tay? I'm sorry I shouldn't have-" He began to apologize, and I quickly dismissed it. It was more than that. I swallowed and stood up, my legs feeling heavy beneath me. He looked up at me, his eyes showing uncertainty at my abrupt movements.

"Is this really what you want, Alex?" I questioned and swallowed deeply. His jaw slacked and he ran a hesitant hand through his bed matted hair. I remained composed, not allowing my apprehension to cross over my features.

"I don't know what you mean?" He said slowly, and blinked a few times. I think he must've known, but being careful, tried to play it off as if he didn't.

"Us. I mean, I know there isn't really an us or whatever, but I like you and I know you like me. Do you want there to ever be an us? Is this what you want?" I tried my best to explain, and had to stop myself from babbling in a sad attempt to spit out a sentence. My questions came out with short pauses in between words, and I felt a familiar pink come to my cheeks.

"I- What? You know I want this," His dark eyebrows drew together in confusion and he stammered out his words, confusion clear in his voice. I fought back a frustrated sigh, and let out a miniscule, shaky breath.

“If we made things official, that means coming out." I chewed nervously on my lip, and watched as his emotions seemed to stay perfectly the same. An uneasy feeling settled in my stomach, and I silently cursed myself for even bringing any of it up. He never said he wanted things to be official, and neither did I, but I needed some kind of closure.

"Why do I have to come out? I mean, isn't keeping it between us official enough?" He tried to reason. I closed my eyes for a moment. I couldn't help but feel stuck somewhere between disappointed and flattered. I stuck to disappointed and slightly frustrated.

"So, what you're saying, is that you want to just be friends who kiss and stuff?" It wasn’t like I didn’t want that, but it felt so inconstant. Actually no, fuck that, I definitely did not want that. I didn’t want to be that. I wanted to feel as though whatever this was, was sincere. It could be considered selfish, but I didn’t want it to feel so open.

"No- Jack, just, will you... Can we just keep it like this? I understand if you don't like the idea of being secret, and not having all the perks of an actual relationship, but I promise I'll get over whatever is holding me back one day, okay? Just... It's daunting, you know?" I tried to get over the initial shock of what he was asking me. He was asking me to keep whatever the fuck this to myself, and to go along with it? Would he ever want to be in an actual relationship? It felt wrong for me to even be considering it.

In some ways, it felt as if this whole thing was completely one sided. Sure, that sounds ridiculous considering Alex was the one who initially confessed to his feelings, whereas it took me months to figure it out for myself that I felt the same. But, when I thought about it more, it made me feel as though the way he thought of me changed. Or maybe, his intentions weren't involving a relationship, but more of a friendly make out session? A friendly grope?

Despite my negative thoughts and doubts, I forced a smile and nodded, barely prepared to go along with whatever was happening. Alex let out a small sigh of relief, standing up from his place on the bed and advancing toward me. The corner of his mouth tugged into a lopsided grin as he stopped in front of me. His hands brushed mine, and in one confident gesture, he slotted his fingers between mine and squeezed. I did the same, and it took him a moment to do anything more. 

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Oh shit Jack is doubting Alex's feelings oOOOooooHHHhhh!

Hello friends. 
I have had writers block, and still do have it to an extent. I've been neglecting this story bc I'm shit. But yes, any and all feedback is greatly appreciated and have a lovely day/night and also I'm sorry and you're v cool. 

ALSO WOULD ANY OF YOU READ A MUKE OR CASHTON FANFICTION BC I'D TOTALLY WRITE IT DESPITE BEING CRAP AT UPDATING THINGS.

Thank you for reading.
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Comments are fabulous.

Title credit: Heartbreak Girl by 5 Seconds of Summer