Drowning in a River of Denial (Jalex)

All The Questions Left Unanswered

Nothing much happens... Oh well. Also, thankyou _LucyGaskarth for being the first to comment! 

Enjoy! xx

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My heart began to race as I exited the room. I began to jog at a slow pace, my destination: The boys toilets. I swung open a cubical door, locking it as I got inside. I sunk down onto the floor, bringing my knees up to my chest.

Alex Gaskarth, the boy who I'd tried so hard to avoid was now attending my school. My former bestfriend was here. What was I going to do? Was there anything I could do? Keeping my distance seemed like the most sensible idea. But there was more to it than that, I couldn't just ignore him for the rest of highschool. I mean, he's in a few of my classes and there was no way I could just ignore his existence. There was no way I could do that.

I couldn't stop the painful feeling that I'd betrayed him, ditched him, lost him. I wished I could explain to him that all those years of not seeing eachother was for the best. It was for my own and his own good. After all, wouldn't he have wanted to be safe? Wouldn't he wanted me to be safe? 

But I knew that wasn't the reality. Trying to convince myself that he'd want to lose his bestfriend was stupid. I was selfish, I left him for myself. To keep myself as unharmed as I could be. 

I hadn't noticed that tears were now streaming down my face, dripping onto the dirty white tiles. I had to get my shit together. As my father had told me, crying solves nothing. Crying is for babies and whiny losers.

I wiped my face with my shirt and began steadying my breathing, inhaling and exhaling at a steady pace. I had to get my thinking straight before I left this stall.

Negatives of speaking with Alex: Rejection and hatred towards me, being judged for my father's behaviour ten years ago, possible mental breakdown.

Postives of speaking with Alex: Possible rekindling of a lost but not forgotten friendship, a possible explanation and a huge weight off my chest, my father wouldn't know.

He couldn't find out, could he? Would he even remember him after all those years? He barely remembers my age, why would he remember someone he had never even said a word to?

A promise to myself; I would talk to him before or at lunch. I wasn't going to put it off any longer, he deserved an explanation and apology. After all, it was rather cruel to shrug off his attempts of contacting me without him knowing if he'd done something wrong or not.

And just as I decided this, the harsh ringing of the bell sounded, echoeing through the whole school. The silence had lifted and was replaced with chatter and laughter. I left the toilet stall a moment after, entering the sea of students. 

I spotted Zack and Rian amongst the crowded halls, both of them standing at Zack's locker. I squeezed through the people and walked up to my friends. The look on Zack's face was quizzical as he began to speak.

"Where'd you go in PE? You completely ran out," His expression hadn't changed.

"I uh... Didn't want to sit around for the whole lesson," I blurted out, stumbling over my words.

"Mr. Brookes is pissed," He said, him and Rian laughed and I instantly imagined the buff PE teacher's wrinkled forehead and plastered on frown.

"Well that's his problem," I remarked, glancing around me, searching for the face of the sandy haired boy. As if on cue, my eyes landed on him struggling against the people pushing past him. I immediatly felt even worse for him and took off in his direction. 

I grabbed his wrist, pulling him aside. He knit his eyebrows together, not knowing who had gripped onto his skinny wrist. His chocolate coloured eyes met mine and were soon filled with emotions that I could pick out induvidually; remorse, worry, hesitation.

"Jack," He whispered as if he thought I wasn't really here, that it was his imagination.

"Hey," I mumbled, my voice coming out weak. He wasn't going to say anything, I assumed. "Can I talk to you somewhere private, please?" I asked, scared of rejection. Maybe this was a terrible idea. I wouldn't have blamed him if he'd completely blanked me and walked away. He nodded, looking down to his worn out sneakers.

I lead him to the empty part of the school where the janitor's closet was. You could only hear the distant chatting of other kids and the locker doors slamming roughly.

"I'm sorry," I breathed out. I realised I didn't really have a plan and that this was most likely going to end terribly.

"Sorry? That's it?" He asked, his voice soft and hurt. "You ignore me for ten years and that's it?" He raised his voice, his tone sounding disbelieving.

"Alex, there's a lot more to it-" I started, sounding almost lost.

"Go ahead, explain," He sighed. He didn't sound angry the slightest bit, just hurt. 

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Author's note: So I didn't really write much and I think it's crap. I wasn't sure what to write but atleast it's something, right?

Feedback is greatly appreciated! xx

Title credit: Sleeping With Sirens. (the song is Sorry)