Drowning in a River of Denial (Jalex)

I'm Wasted On You

EDIT: unpublished for a minute bc there was a screw up dw about it. Also seems people aren't reading this at all anymore sigh

I am still living, here you go.
Pls excuse the seemingly permanent pink cheeks and all the lame thoughts and all that jazz- it was written over a few nights aLL at 3am.
Anyway, thank for joining me on this journey bless

-

Jack

"I've never been flexible, Zachary," I began, scooting into the chair beside him. He looked up, setting his pen down with his eyebrows raised, "but I'd like to think that I could kick you in the face if you told anyone about the whole Alex thing,"

Basically, after the door had opened and Alex and I had quickly separated (comparable to gymnasts flipping—but without the flips), Zack announced that he could talk to us another time and was on the verge of barrelling out of the room. After throwing my shirt on inside out, I pulled him into the room and Alex and I thoroughly explained that we weren't together and that it was a secret. I also took the chance to apologise to him for the drunken rudeness and for me being a complete dickhead in general. I was grateful that he was an awfully forgiving person—Zack was a rare breed of friend. Also, turns out he was there to ask Alex if he'd heard from me. I'm sure it was surprising to find out that not only had he heard from me, but that he'd also made out with me.

"Woah, I wasn't planning on it. I told you guys already, I can keep it a secret," he assured me.

"Thanks, dude," I sighed out, relieved.

"Can I ask you why you don't want anyone to know?" He spoke after a moment's deliberation.

"I guess it's because Alex didn't have a nice time at his old school when they found out he's gay," I shrugged, hiding how much it hurt to think that he was ever in that positon and that he'd think our friends would react the same.

"Damn, that sucks," he clicked his tongue, "but, like, do you want people to know?" He questioned, eyes looking into mine as if he'd be able to find the answers he was looking for.

"It's not like we can tell anyone, Zack," It was kind of nice that I could finally talk about it, because it certainly wasn't something to talk about Alex with.

"That's not what I asked—do you want people to know?" He asked softly.

I thought about it a lot—the answer would always be yes, as long as Alex still cared about me, and as long as whatever this was would last, it was without a doubt a yes. Maybe it was slightly self-indulgent of me to want Alex all to myself, for people to know that we were special to each other. But maybe I was also scared to bring up the subject, because maybe I was scared of rejection and maybe I was terrified that if I asked, it'd become apparent that his feelings had faded, or that his affection was reserved for someone else—someone who wasn't me. 

"I mean... Yeah, I do. I do want people to know," I admitted, feeling as though a weight had been lifted from my chest, "I want to be able to talk to him around you guys without feeling like I'm fucking tip toeing,"

"I wish you could. No one is going to judge, you know," he hinted—it wasn't my choice. At the end of the day, Alex's needs would always come before mine.

"I know that, but Alex doesn't. Trust me, I've tried to tell him before," I groaned, dropping my head onto the desk in front of me, feeling dejected.

"You don't even have to tell anyone outside of our group," I felt myself wishing he was telling Alex this instead of me, because I think Zack could see that he was reaffirming every thought that had passed through my mind about Alex and me.