Drowning in a River of Denial (Jalex)

You'll Be Missing Out, and We'll Be Missing You

Hello pals!! Firstly, I'd like to quickly say that I'm sorry for being super slack and I'm rlly happy that people are still willing to read this ahh. Tysm for 30k reads like wow that's pretty wild.

Dedicated to PerfectPostcards bc you made me feel uber nice and stuff ty ty

Also sorry that this is kind of a filler but it is leading up to some stuffs and things.

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As I laid beside Alex, with his leg draped over mine, I realised a few things;

First of all, Alex had more influence over me than I would have liked. And to be completely honest- I hated it. I'd always been a pretty self-reliant person, growing up the way that I did, and that all kind of changed when Alex showed up in my life again. Of course, being his friend was great, but I didn't know how I felt about being so hopeless without him.

Secondly,

I was falling for him.

I didn't know how to deal with it though, because everything was so confusing to me. I'd never been in love in my life, so I didn't really understand it. But surely what I felt was more than just a crush at this point, right? Of course, I knew the feeling of caring about a family member, but to care for someone so much so that you'd probably do just about anything for them- someone who isn't your mother- was strange, because it felt different to friends and family kind of feelings. It was all kind of jumbled in my head, and the more I thought about it, the more my head ached. It scared me, if I was being truthful.

The thought of falling for someone scared me. I'd been in relationships which were short and hollow- completely void of feelings. I suppose it was kind of easier that way, to have no emotional connection and both get what you want out of the relationship without the lingering fear of a messy breakup. It'd always been that way for me. I think I was kind of afraid of commitment, because whenever the situation had arisen where the other person would want more, I'd distance myself and step away.

It was kind of weird to think that Alex and I weren't even going out, yet I felt stronger feelings for him than I ever had with previous people who I'd actually dated. What was even weirder was that I was the one who wanted more out of it this time.

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Alex and I ate breakfast together Monday morning. Our sock clad feet knocked into eachother under the table, both of us eating as if the small war wasn't happening. His Dad left for work before we'd even woken up and his Mum was hanging about in a dressing gown and half done makeup. I wondered if that was how his mornings had always panned out. Mine were similar, I guess, but his seemed more warm. His house, despite having cold laminate flooring and freezing dining chairs, was not nearly as chilling as my own home at seven in the morning. It could have been the atmosphere which made it this way, too.

It was interesting to see how other people lived. Not in a creepy way, but because it's always so different. Zack's mother makes pancakes on Monday as it's her firm belief that it'll help Zack get through the day in a mildly okay mood. His Dad works everyday except Sunday, so he only sees him after five at night. Rian's family was similar, except his parents could both afford days off. I'd be lying if I said I didn't kind of envy them.