Drowning in a River of Denial (Jalex)

I'm Having My Doubts

Dedicated to ibreathemusic44 bc she made me super happy.

--

Before I could even think to react, I felt my knuckles hit the wall behind us, my back following with a soft thump. His lips met mine within seconds, and my eyes immediately fluttered closed. I couldn't seem to respond properly to the sensation of his lips for a moment, or even comprehend what was was playing out. I began to return the kiss, our mouths beginning to move against one another's almost fervently. 

For the moment, my mind completely wiped itself of any previous conviction, though uncertainty still lingered. My state of dubiety wasn't forgotten, but the reason for it seemed to have completely slipped my mind.

I felt his tongue slide gently over my bottom lip, and without any hesitation I allowed it. And oh fuck, there wasn't even a "battle for dominance" or anything of the sort. I let him completely dominate, and I couldn't even deny the way it made me feel. What happened to the shy, let’s hold hands Alex? Since when was dominant Alex a thing? 

I let a small moan escape my parted lips, and rolled my hips forward needily. He unlinked his hands from mine, and held them firmly on my hips. Our lips parted, and we were both breathing shallowly. I fought back the small whine which almost escaped my lips, missing our contact. His mouth then moved on to my neck, kissing it at first, all the way to the curve of my shoulder before softly grazing his teeth over the sensitive skin.

And then, the rational thoughts came back. I wasn’t sure if I was grateful or not. It took me a moment to properly clear my hazy head, before I softly placed my hands on his shoulders, and parted us. He gave me a confused, half lidded look. I swallowed, and stared at him.

“No… Alex, no,” I murmured, and rubbed at the back of my neck nervously.

“What?” He sounded muddled, and watched me, disoriented.

“We- I- It’s just…” I struggled to spit the words out, and took a second to unscramble my thoughts. “We need to stop now. This- I can’t do this, I’m sorry,” I spoke calmly, and there was a thick, uncomfortable silence as it settled in- we’d just made out. Properly.

I’d be lying to myself if I said I didn’t enjoy it, but it’d be an even bigger lie if I wasn’t upset with myself. We weren’t supposed to do this kind of stuff. I didn’t want us to do this if it meant I was still nothing but a friend to him. And, still not forgetting the fact that we’re in his fucking brother’s house, and neither of us are here for a good reason. (Atleast we weren't fucking in his brother's house).

“I think I should be getting home now, Lex. Uh, yeah, I have homework I need to catch up on,” I lied, trying to come up with some sort of reason to get myself out of this. He still hadn’t spoken, and was looking down with flushed, pink cheeks. I coughed, and then continued, “So… I’ll see you at school tomorrow?”

I finally found the motivation to move and pushed myself off of the wall. Alex’s eyebrows drew together, and he finally looked up at me.

“Yeah. I’ll text you?” He said, with a haphazard smile. Fake.

“Sure. Is Tom still home? I need to thank him,” I questioned as I reached the door, my hand turning the knob.

“He should be,” He shrugged, and went back to looking away.

“Alright, cool. Bye, Alex,”

“Yeah, bye.”

--

My father’s car wasn’t in the driveway, and neither was my Mum’s. I cautiously unlocked the house, and shuffled inside, my head whirling in a mass of worries. I wanted- needed to talk about this with someone. I needed advice. But it really fucking sucked, because I had absolutely no one I could speak to. I didn’t have any family I could talk to, I couldn’t tell Alex, and I couldn’t tell anyone from school without telling them the full story. I was completely alone with this. I was completely alone again. It wasn’t anything new, but this time was so much harder for me.

My eyes blurred as I sat on the edge of my bed, fingers fiddling with the fabric, and pulling at the stitching. I missed my friends. I missed talking to Zack, and I missed Rian’s stupid puns and Matt’s stupid smile and hell, I even missed Tay’s hugs. I needed a fucking break. I needed a break from the drama, and I just needed to be around them. A feeling of guilt overwhelmed me then, and I felt even more shitty because I’d been completely neglecting my bestfriends.

I needed to forget for a bit. I needed to escape from my constricting thoughts, and I needed to calm the fuck down. So, I sat myself on the edge of the bathtub, metal between my fingers, and pale thighs exposed. But I didn’t do anything- I couldn’t do anything. I just stared at the sharp edge, and played with it in my fingers. The light reflected off of the shiny surface of the blade, and shone blindingly into my eyes. I knew I wanted to do it. I knew that it’d help me forget.

I felt in control, for once, and it felt okay. The temptation wasn’t there, and neither was the motivation to scar my sensitive skin.

But, despite my defiant change, I still needed to forget. I still wanted to feel blurry and hazy, and I needed to relax. I just wanted to feel calm. And so I did what I could to get that feeling, and popped out a few sleeping pills.

--

Usually, I wouldn’t even consider to take sleeping pills, much less more than I was supposed to. I didn’t like the way it made me feel as I would lay in bed, my mind glazed with a fogginess I couldn’t describe. It made not only my head, but my eyes and body tired. It was even worse when I’d wake up, and find my joints aching and my stomach empty. But I didn’t mind, as long as I could reside somewhere in a dream and dismiss the cloud of perplexity within my mind.

I was right to assume I’d wake up feeling shit.

I woke up at about 2:32am, according to my phone. It was full of unread messages, some two days old, and some from only a few hours ago. My eyes were unfocused, and the letters all blurred together. I felt slow and dizzy, and unlocked my phone with shaking, sore fingers. I wiped profusely at my eyes, and had to read things a few times over before it would register in my sleep ridden mind.

As expected, Alex didn’t actually text me. I mean, I didn’t believe he would, and maybe it was for the best. Maybe he needed to sort himself out before he spoke to me, which was totally fine, because I surely needed to do the same (assuming I was correct in my conjecture). I doubted he’d be at school either, which was also okay. He’s a smart dude, and a week off of school won’t affect his grades, I’d think. I guessed we both just needed to have some time apart again. We couldn’t just continue screwing things up with eachother, apologize and then recklessly go about things. Distancing ourselves meant time to think, and that was exactly what I required. I was able to do it guiltlessly this time, because we were at least on good terms. Kind of awkward, but good terms nonetheless.

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So like pls ignore my shitty kissin' shit at the beginning. I apologize sincerely bc I suck and I'm sorry.

LOOK AT ME UPDATING AGAIN LIKE A LIL CHAMP! Although, it is a filler so idk I guess I'm not really much of a lil champ. Anyway, I forced myself to actually do something with my life and wrote a half decent chapter, if you ignore the fact I wrote I needed too many times.

Shit is awkward but atleast they're buds again so that's good. 

Feedback is always welcome btw woop.

Title credit : Sick Little Games by All Time Low