Chasing Kate

Chapter 9. She doesn't love me.

Things are going better for me.
I don't feel like an outcast of Compton and I have came to terms that I won't get to return back to college.

Last night while putting away my laundry I found my old Fender guitar. I played for hours. Just old tunes & some Jimmy Hendrix I had instilled in my memory.

It felt pleasant to play again, it flowed natural. It wasn't forced and I didn't care if I was a bit rusty. It felt good to do something with passion instead of being forced to, like I was with basketball.

I kept up with the boys back at OSU and I'm sure they were still jack-assing around for this semester with chicks and booze.

Being alone really gave me time to think about what "I" wanted in my future.

Did I want kids? Did I want a wife? What career would I enjoy? Could I commit to own a house? What were my hopes and dreams? Because that kid who left for college 3 years ago had no clue. I'm starting to see a pattern of downfall in my life.

If I was to make an assumption about my decline I would assume it was the result of being unsupported. It's not that my parents turned their backs on me, because they have never. It was that once I got a taste of freedom that came with being a college student, I pushed everyone away. I had a determination to make my college years about me, but the end result was me ruining myself. It didn't make me, the truth is college broke me. I was alone, mourning Brody's passing still, I had broken my heart and things weren't good for me.

I grew up backwards it seemed. I had spent my time here in high school consoling my irate mother, sweeping up broken plates and dish ware she threw across the room, picking her up off the couch and placing her exhausted body in bed, driving to the grocers to pick her up as she had a panic attack in isle 4. I helped my mom through her darkest days, I just forgot to help me along the way.

**************

I returned to Dr Schwartz office the following Thursday and I was almost anxious to let some of the revelation I had come to out.
I felt like I was making emotional progress even though I still have never classified myself as a 'addict'.

Dr Schwartz and I discussed Brody, and my family. We discussed my hatred for basketball, and my passion for music. We even talked about the possibility of my future.

"So Lucas, in focus on your future plans.... Is there anything about your past that you would change that could transfer to your future, what would it be?"

I replied confused. "Umm, like a decision? A person? A scenario?"

"Any of those would work." He stated.

I thought long and hard about the mistakes I had made before giving my answer.

"I guess if I were to change something so it could have impacted my future, it would have to contain a person and a decision."

"Do tell."

"I would have never gone to Derek Janson's party that Friday night."

"What about that party is significant?"

"At Derek Janson's party, I hooked up with this girl, a girl I had no interest in. I wouldn't have gone to that party because I wouldn't have wanted to make the mistake of sleeping with Isabella and having her walking in on us."

"And her? Who do you refer to?"

"Kate-Anna"

"Mmmhmm. I see. And seeing that this is a past and future scenario, is it safe to assume that Kate-Anna is the one that got away?"

I paused & took a deep breath.
"Kate-Anna is the only girl I could ever love."

"Love or loved? Lucas, you have to decipher here. Love is present and loved is past. Do you love her now?"

"She doesn't love me."

"I didn't ask if she loves you."

I gulped.
"I will always love her. I will always spend my life thinking what if, I will always spend my life searching for the idea of her in my head."

I can't believe I am this open about her. I've never spoken this way about her, nor have I ever confessed these feelings to anyone, not even to her. I didn't deserve to feel this, I have made a mess of my life and I was undeserving of receiving anyone's love.

"Lucas I think we shall try an exercise. Next visit, I want you to present to me a letter that you have prepared to rectify the situation between you and this Kate-Anna. The letter can be an apology, it can be a self loathing or angry. Any way you see fit. Upon you reading this letter for us, it will help us move further to the next step of you recovering from all elements that plaque you." He said.

"Oo. Ok." I said as I walked out of his office and went down the hall.

It felt nice to know that the words I spewed in that room stayed in that room. The walls couldn't speak and Dr Schwartz listened, it was almost as if I have never even spoken them.

I felt relieved and it was about damn time.

*****************
After having dinner with my parents I sat on my bed with pen and paper in order to prepare to create a letter for Dr.Schwartz.

Dear Kate-Anna,

*Shit. No. I need to cut the shit I think to myself as I cross it out and toss it to the side.

Kate,
I just wanted to write.

Fuck. Why is this hard? I've know her all my life. It's not like she would actually read this.

After many attempts to chose an opening for my letter, my eyes grew heavy and I fell asleep.

I slept so hard that when I woke I felt so revived. I wanted to start my day with a clear head so my letter to Kate would have to wait.