Chasing Kate

Chapter 42. Chasing Kate.

Jake & I score some more heroin tonight, as soon as I've hit my score I don't feel right. My head is about to explode, I'm shaking. What's that taste in my mouth? I feel bile rise in my throat but I can't move. I'm paralyzed in my body but my brain knows exactly what is going on. 'No! Luke don't you dare throw up. Don't. Fight it.' It's to late, my body shoots vomit up my throat and onto the floor, I can't move, I can't speak. I just lye in my own throw up, my eyes feeling like the sand paper until they are shielded by eye lids. How long has passed? What's that mumbled nose? What seems like that coldness? What's those lights I can see vaguely?

Why am I floating? Why does everything smell like alcohol? Stay awake, Lucas. But to my own defeat I can't fight the slumber.
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In my head, I'm going through the memories played on repeat. I can vaguely hear my name in a distance and I'm not quite sure why.

My head is cloudy and the voice in my head that is meant for reasoning, yeah, that's not there.

I can't form a coherent thought, I want to say I'm aware of what's going on but I'm not 100% sure.

Drifting in to a space in my head I haven't been before. It's all about her. Every memory that plays in my head is about her.

I assume it's because I'm back in Compton, but she comes back so vividly.

Imagines in my head dance around, but none of them have happened before.

I can feel my heart racing as she kisses me, but I can't open my eyes. I can feel the way the goose bumps rise on her skin when I speak so close to her, but I can't touch her. I can smile and open my mouth to form the words I want to say to her, but they don't come out.

I can reach down to touch a little brown headed boy but his imagine disappears as I grasp it.

My eyes trail her body, from her neck to her legs, as she gets dressed in a room. When I blink, her silhouette is gone.

I wonder around lost, trying to find our apartment, to only find it doesn't exist. I inhale the air surrounding her, to smell it void of her scent.

My heart races against my chest and I can't figure out what is happening to me. Confusion sets in and I realize after what seems like an eternity, that this was all just a dream.

Every single ounce of Kate was a figment of my imagination. Every time I held her, kissed her, made love to her, it had been a movie on a reel that was never developed.

Every conversation we had, never existed. Every moment I had with her, had never really taken place.

Rhett, who knows where he came in at, but I wasn't prepared for the empty spot in my heart that I felt now that he is gone. The excitement in my heart that I felt with the ideal of being a father was fizzing out and I ached so much. I wasn't physically capable of preparing myself for as much pain as this caused.

My heart was torn to single grains of sand, crushed beneath the depth of the ocean. My brain had tormented me, in a sick and twisted way. I fought so desperately to climb out of. I wanted out of this torturous pain and agony I felt. My mind had betrayed me.

I clawed my way to the depths of it, and back again. I pushed harder and harder every time, I wanted to give up.

I couldn't take living in a world where Kate and Rhett didn't exist for me. I couldn't take staying inside of my head, for only me to hear the words, to relieve the memories that had never taken place.

Even in this deep dark drug induced slumber, I found a way to continue my chase. My chase to find Kate, again.

I understood at this moment, the agony she must have felt walking away from me that day. I understood at that moment, how harsh I had been to have dismissed her feelings and only cared about mine.

Every ounce of pain I felt, I deserved. I was weak. I fought out of my head, not because I'm a fighter, but because I'm not. I can't handle the idea of living in a world where Kate & Rhett don't happen for me, but that's exactly what this was.

My mind tormented me into thinking that I had something to hold onto.

I didn't have those things I had thought I did. I didn't have a son, or a fiancé, I didn't have a therapist or an apartment, I didn't have a job with my father and a repaired relationship with my mother.

Right now the only things I had were my addiction, a tube down my throat, that annoying beep in my ear and the thoughts that plagued me like locust.

I try to remember anything, anything that I KNOW is real. And still even then it's her.

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At the end of my English literature class, my professor had assigned us our final.

To write a letter to someone who we had unfinished business with.
It could be about a business position gone wrong, a situation that needed reprimanded, a long lost friend, a confession, a secret, anything. My letter was to Kate.

My dearest Katie,

I write to you, as I know this will never make its way to you. In my experience with myself, I have come to realize that I am not always the best option. I've come to realize that I am not always the best friend, the best listener, or even a good person.

In all of my days, I have learned about loss. I have experienced a great deal of it, in my life time. You, being the greatest of all.

Most days, your kiss still lingers on my lips. I still see you, in the faces of the women I met. Unexpectedly, I see you in the square and I incoherently run after you, just as you fade away. I dream of you, often. You make the sweetest slumber.

You ignite a fire within me and the memories of you do well to stoke the fire. You come back to me in spurts mostly, leaving me more damaged than the time before. But days like today, I take what I can get.

I hope you're doing fair now, I would be delighted, if so. If you're not,
I hope you enjoy your journey to finding a reason to make your heart happy.

I hope you know to which severity you touched my soul, my life and my heart. I hope that in the time I was able to have you, I did justice in displaying that.

I hope you spend your life with no regrets or worries, no need for apologies or to be afraid. I hope you find comfort in the sun as it kisses your face in the field of lilies in the spring, I hope you find love in the novels you read. I hope you find solace in your freedom as you ride a wave and peace within yourself.

I hope to the deepest pit of my soul that one day while your out here, getting to where you're heart leads you to go, that by some divine intervention, your heart leads you back to mine.

In the tragic event it doesn't, I will accept it, with a heavy heart but the willingness to allow you to move along. I will spend my life with piece of me missing, but I will be able to survive.

One day, I will find happiness just like I want so desperately for you. One day, your memory won't be so sharp inside my head. Maybe one day, I will be able to drown your face in the middle of a shot of alcohol, maybe one day I'll be able to write your words down to create a novel.

Maybe one day, you'll end up mine. And I won't have to spend my free time, writing about how I'm Chasing Kate.

With all of my being,
Lucas Wesley.

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Authors note:

I just want to say, this was the hardest part of the book to write. I feel lost right now and my soul aches for this fictional character I made up in my head.

I'm not sure the head space I'm at right now, but I hope that you understand how much this story has meant to me, how much the reads, comments, vote and follows mean to me.

You can message me any questions that you have, I'll try my best to answer them.

I just want to say thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart. I hope
I did this justice and didn't mess you up to much.

ALSO I AM WORKING ON THE EPILOGUE.

I love you guys for reading!
Thanks again! X