Chasing Kate

Chapter 23. Dr. Phil Revelation.

"How do you feel when you get these episodes of intense hunger for your high?" Dr Schwartz asked me.

"Like I want to use." I replied back.

"And have you? "

"No. The hunger is so rapid, it consumes me. I'm trying so hard to focus on being sober, but the hunger over takes my body."

"Does it get worse?"

"When I'm alone but mostly right before I fall asleep. It's like I'm in this state of high already thinking about how it would feel to be high."

"Do you like that feeling of being high? What is it that intrigues you and makes your passion for it run wild?"

"Being high is the best thing I have ever felt. For that moment, it doesn't hurt. "

"What doesn't hurt? "

"Brody, Being alone, losing my scholarship, depression, loneliness."

"Do you see those go hand in hand,
Lucas?" He clears his throat.

"You're depressed for losing Brody, in attempt to make that feel better you turned to drugs and alcohol. It lead to your dismissal from the Basketball team, you disassociated yourself with the people who you care about and it left you lonely. It's a cycle, Luke. You can't cure one thing with the next. You can't treat mourning your brother with drugs, you can't fix loneliness with drugs, you can't treat depression with drugs. "

"I just wanted and still very much want something to numb the pain."

"Where does your pain thrive from?" He asked me.

"Look at the mess I've made. I've hurt the people who care most about me and I don't deserve their forgiveness."

"You pain is guilt, Lucas. Until you let go of that guilt, it will consume you. It will alter you, it will haunt you and it will feed your need to use and you're never going to be able to quench that hunger. " he said and writes things down on his notepad.

"The things I've done aren't forgivable." I say staring at the floor.

"Why do you think you are unworthy? Unworthy of forgiveness? What did you do that was so unforgivable?"

"I left my mother when she needed me, I let my brother down on a promise to take care of her. I hated myself and it made me hate who everyone wanted me to be. I cheated on Kate-Anna, I lost my scholarship, I broke some kids nose at a party, I stole from my parents, I overdosed."

"Do you hear how irrational your mistakes are? Do you see how irrational you are trying to persuade yourself that the things you did aren't worthy of accepting them and moving on? You're mother forgives you, Lucas. She sees the pain and suffering in your eyes. I know she does, because I can too. Your scholarship was a materialistic thing, not one person besides yourself is directly affected by that. Kate? You two seem to be moving past what has happened before, am I wrong? It's safe to say she's working to forgive you. You made a promise to Brody about protecting your mother, but she isn't the one who needs protecting. She's strong, you need to give her more credit. You need to protect yourself and forgive yourself for 'failing your mother' . And you broke some kids nose? Really, Lucas? While
I have to tell you, it's NOT ok for you to place your hands on someone else out of anger, it was some kid. If that was a rational answer, you would at least know his name. " he says to me.

I take in every ounce of what he says.

"It seems to me the only person who needs to forgive you, is you."

I know he's right.
Little dipshit Dr Schwartz with his silly ass bow ties has made the biggest discovery toward my road to recovery. It's crazy how simple the anecdote is, but exactly how hard am I going to have to work to realize I'm worthy of forgiving myself.

*******************************
I want to see Kate after my Dr Phil revelation I had with Dr Schwartz this afternoon.

I need to ask for her forgiveness on specific things rather than in general.

I don't need her to accept it, I don't need her to even relive the moments of things that cannot be undone. I just need to speak my peace, own it and leave it where it lies.

I can only further my progress because now I'm the only that holds me back.
My inability to let go of the wrongs I've done in life has hindered me like a wounded animal.

I drive to her apartment and make a mental note of her little blue 4 door car parked in the lot.

I didn't call her to tell her about my arrival. I just want to make sure that I can do this and be done. I am going to have to own up to feelings that were deep down, confess my love for her, seek her forgiveness, tell her about my urges and let it be. I can't keep everything bottled up anymore. I want the good in me to return and to stay.

I want to tell her all the ways my head is fucked up, so if she wants to run away now, the hurt will be less. I want to tell her now so that in case she decides to stay, I can show her that I'm sorting out my priorities.

I walk up to apartment 4b and knock loudly on the door. I can hear noises through the walls and I feel like eyes are on me.

I wait a moment before the door is opened and Kate-Anna steps out and closes it behind her.

Her eyes are big and she looks like I've came and interrupted her.

She's standing in the breezeway of her apartment complex in pajama bottoms and a hooded sweatshirt, her hair is disheveled on her head and she looks like she's seen a ghost, every ounce of color from her face is gone.

"W--what are you doing here?" She asked me.

"I came over to apologize." I said.

"Apologize? For what? Why didn't you call?" She pulls at her hair.

"If you would have called, I could have showered." She said.

"No, you're fine. You look fine. It's just that everything has happened so fast lately, I feel like I need to clear it all up. My therapist said I needed to forgive myself before I can fully move on as a person."

"So you came here to talk to me about it, now?" She says confused.

"Yeah? I mean is there something wrong?" I asked her.

"No. Nothing's wrong. It's just, Rhett is here and I haven't introduced you to him, it's awkward and I haven't prepared myself for you guys to meet." She said.

"I'm sorry I should have not came unannounced. I should have not made this about me. I apologize for coming unexpected. "

She stops me. "No. No. Lucas it's ok. Don't apologize to me, you're always apologizing and you need to stop. I don't know why you think I don't forgive you, but I do. I'm not the same person I was back then. We both made mistakes. You can't live in them forever. It's going to eat you alive. " she says as she grabs my hand.

"It's ok Lucas. Really it is." And she places a small kiss on my cheek.

"Thank you." I say as a I smile to her.

"For what?" She asked.

"For being you." I answer back and kiss her lips fast.

I stand there with her trying to work up the courage to spill the words out of my mouth that I know needs to be heard. Not only for her sake, I needed to come to terms with them myself. I can't fight these words anymore.