Chasing Kate

Chapter 26. To Be a Good Man.

I stayed with Rhett and Kate all evening . We played with trucks and cars and he climbed in my lap with his blanket and took a nap.

Kate left us alone for a while and I just relished in the fact that my son was asleep on my chest. Everything that he is, I helped create. I cherished this and committed to my memory, so I can always come back to it.

We ordered Chinese takeout and after I helped Kate clean up and get Rhett ready for bed, I was ready to go home.

This day had been strange, it had exhausted me mentally. I accepted Rhett as my son and I think I was stupid to not have ever noticed how much he was just like me.

I carried him to his room, with his mother on my heels. I inhaled his scent of freshly bathed skin and kissed his head. I laid him down and whispered "I love you little dude." And I pulled his cover over him.

A tear fell from my eyes as I stood there hovering over his small body. I want to be better for him. I silently thanked God for giving him to me, even though yesterday the thought of a son never crossed my mind.

I get why Kate-Anna chose to not tell me about him. I can't say how I would have reacted. Maybe it was better this way, maybe not.

I was angry and I was hurt. But I loved him so much already.

I love Kate. I always have, but today it hit me. I love her so much more than I allowed myself to realize. I love her so much for giving him to me.

"I better get going." I say clasping my hands together as she folds laundry in her living room.

"Ok." She said lowly.

I grab my keys and walk over to the door.

"Lucas?" She says behind me.

I turn to her.

"I'm sorry. I know I should have told you. I'm sorry." She says.

"I understand why you did what you did. Thank you, Kate. Thank you for allowing me to be here today, to see him, to know he is mine. " I said to her.

"You can stay, if you want." She says to me.

I could stay but I shouldn't.

"I better get going. Can I come by tomorrow?" I asked.

"You can, but I don't get off until 7pm. You're mother keeps Rhett on Fridays." She says.

"Can I pick him up from there?"

She nods.

I lean forward and kiss her cheek.

"Take care. See you tomorrow."

I see sadness written across her face. But I can't help the feeling of needing to be alone.

I open the door and just as I'm about to shut it, she pulls it open and she grabs me.

She hugs me so deep to her and I feel her body heaving with cries.

My heart is hurt at her, but I still love her. I stay wrapped around her until she pulls away.

She tip toes and kisses my lips.

"I love you, Luke." She says as she turns and goes in and closes the door.
************************

I wondered about Rhett the whole day, I wanted to know what he was doing, if he was safe.

I counted down the hours until 5 pm so I could go pick him up.

It spoke volumes to me that Kate allowed me to see him and to pick him up.

It broke my heart that it's been 2 and a half years since he was born and I have missed out on so much. His first breath, his first bath, his first step, his first word. I didn't get to stay up with him as a newborn and soothe his tiny cocooned body. I didn't get to have sleepless nights. I missed out on so much.

I wanted to be angry with Kate-Anna. I wanted to be so god damn angry at her.
I wanted her to feel the pain that I feel now with knowing that he's been without me this whole time.

I could never be mad at my child's mother though. Not only was she my soul mate, she protected our son.

I'm angry at my mother for keeping him from me, I'm angry at myself for being so fucking selfish.

I call my mother on my lunch and tell her I'll be by her house around 6 to get Rhett. She cries and tells me how proud of me and how proud she is of Rhett. I'm glad I can give her what Brody can't anymore.

I leave my office at 4:45 and I make the 15 minute drive to the mall.

I had realized I didn't have the proper gear for a child.

I went and bought Rhett a car seat for my mustang. I wanted him to be safe and the lady at the checkout counter assured me that this seat was the safest seat they carried.

I stopped off at the toy store and bought Rhett a mustang like mine, a black one with chrome rims.

And with my hands full and my wallet thinner I drove to my parents.

I walked in and I heard my mother and Rhett giggling. I smile as his laughter is the best sound to my ears.

"Look Rhett, your daddy is here." My mother says pointing to me.

Daddy? I'm someone's daddy.

"dadddddddddddddyyyyyyyyy!" Rhett said as he ran to me.

I scooped him up and I hugged him.

My mothers hand held her heart as she stood and smiled in front of us.

This is the best feeling in the world.

My son called me daddy and as many names as I've been called, that has to be my favorite.
******************************

It still hasn't sunk in that I am responsible for someone's life. I want to instill so many important values into Rhett. I want to show him what it means to be a good man, not a man like I have been, but a man like Brody was.

I make a decision to try my hardest to forgive the broken part of me that I have now that I realize how long Kate has kept this secret from me. If I feel this broken, maybe that's how she feels too.

I strap Rhett into his car seat and we drive toward his mothers.

On our way there she calls me.

"Hello?" I answer.

"How's my boys?" She asked.

"We just left my mothers, and we are on our way to your place." I tell her.

"Have you had dinner?" She asked.

"No."

"You are more than welcome to have dinner with Rhett and I."

"Ok." I say.

"My spare key is hidden under the rose colored pot beside my door." She says.

"I'll see you in a few."
And the call ended.

I'm worrying myself. Like I'm misleading myself into a false sense of security. You know me, you know that I'm a walking disaster. I'm scared of how okay I am in this situation. I'm scared of how I've taken the news of being a father so heavily yet so lightly at the same time.

If I were Kate, I would be waiting for the bomb to explode. I would be waiting for me to fuck this up.

I know I'm not recovered 100 % at this point, but I know that I don't ever want to have Rhett to be ashamed to have me as his father.

I never loved the thought of being a father until I was one. I never thought I could love someone the way I do him, but it was instantaneously.

I will divide heaven and hell to provide what I need to for this brown headed boy who is asleep in the back of my sports car.

" I thank you Kate-Anna to the depths of my being for giving me such a wonderful gift that I never knew I needed." I say to myself.

Authors note:

I apologize that this isn't as long as others. Just a little internal battle that Luke is having with himself.

I've posted quite a few chapters today and decided to upload this one since I reached 1000 + reads. I thank you guys so much. You have no idea how much it means to me that you continue to read.
Ilygsfm! Stay tuned there's more to come.