I THOUGHT

Prologue

"Ahh! Why do I need to go in other places kung pwede naman dito nalang ako i assign ni Mom? Nakakainis!"

"Eh ba't kaba galit na galit? I a-assign kalang naman dun eh. Ayaw mo ba nun? Mas marami kapang makikilalang ibang tao sa iba't ibang lugar?"

I look at him in disbelief.

"Hello? Pati rin ba ikaw kuya? Bihira mahilig ka makipag socialize, eh ako?" He laugh.

"Nakuu! Ang sabihin mo sobrang tamad mo lang. Nasanay ka mag isa kaya ayan."

I bitterly chuckled.

"Eh kung ikaw nalang kaya maging ako?" Sagot ko at natahimik naman siya.

Ewan ko ba. Siguro nasanay lang akong walang makausap. I've been living my life that way simula paman nun.

"Alam mo? Take it. Baka opportunity mo nayan para matuto. Hindi pwedeng habang buhay ka nalang takot na makipaghalubilo." Natawa naman ako sa sinabi niya.

"Sinasabi mo? Hindi ako takot, okay? Ayoko lang talagang makipag socialize sa iba. Sayang sa oras." Natawa naman siya na may halong chemical.

"Ewan ko sayo, Lis. Basta sinasabi ko sayo, wag mo nang hindian si Mom. Tara na nga. Sinasayang mo rin oras ko."

"Psh! Sino ba kasing maysabi na kausapin moko?"

He face me.

"Ako. Kapatid kita kaya kakausapin kita ke't wala kang kwentang kausap."

Ahhh! Ang sarap batukan nang hinayupak nato.

Napahawak nalang ako sa ulo sa inis bago pumasok sa kotse saka padabog na sinara ang pinto.

"Galit yarn? Seatbelt mo kung ayaw mong mamatay."

"Tumahimik ka nga. Sirain ko tung sasakyan mo eh."

"Aba't--

"Shut up, and drive. Ayoko sayangin yang oras mo. Nakakahiya naman sayo." Pagputol ko sa sasabihin niya.

Napabuntong hininga nalang siya bago pinaharurot yung sasakyan.

He's Bam, and he's my brother. He's five years older than me pero hindi kami masyadong magkasundo kung nakikita niyo.

Back then, we lived in Manila. Kaya nakasanayan na naming mag tagalog. Hindi ko narin masyadong maalala kung anong magandang bondings namin ni kuya nun.

Parang wala naman.

Ang naalala ko lang... Buo pa kami nung nagkamalay ako.

Sabi ni mommy I was just 4 years old nung pinaghiwalay kaming dalawa. Well, the family that I thought was perfect, was a family of lies, and fake.

Mom, and Dad broke up. Dad found guilty of cheating, and having another family.
Naiwan ako kay mommy sa Manila habang si kuya sinama ni Dad dito sa Thailand kasama ang iba niyang pamilya.

Nung mga panahong lumaki at nagkaisip ako .. wala si kuya sa tabi ko. Nasanay narin ako na walang ama kasi bata pa naman ako nung iniwan nila kami ni mommy.

Hindi naman kami masyadong mahirap since my mom's a businesswoman. Palagi siyang wala sa bahay at naiwan ako sa mga kasambahay.

Walang kausap, walang kalaro. I never went somewhere like schools, and other places na pinupuntahan nang ibang bata kasi naka homeschool lang ako.

Palagi ako sa kwarto, nanunuod nang tv, kumakain, naglalaro, naliligo, natutulog mag isa.

That was just my routine everyday hanggang sa nakasanayan ko nalang na sarili ko lang ang laging kasa-kasama.

Naging inosente akong makipag usap sa iba kaya nung isang araw na nakapunta kami nang park, I was being bullied.

Pinagtawanan nila ako kasi ako lang mag isa nakaupo sa bench habang sila andaming kalaro.

From that day hindi na ulit ako pumunta nang park. I was afraid, yes.

Hanggang sa kailangan ko nang mag enroll sa University for highschool. Akala ko nun magiging enjoy ang buhay ko pero...

That was just my thoughts.

I've been bullied a lot of times, people talked trash behind me, laughed at me, shout on me, and worst?

Hurt me.

There are some na gustong makipag kaibigan sakin pero ako na mismo lumalayo sa kanila.

Feeling ko nun lahat nang taong gustong lumapit sakin sasaktan lang ako, and I envy those students na may tagapagtangol.

After a year of being bullied, I told mom I wanted to quit school, but she told me not to kasi kailangan ko daw mag aral.

Hindi niya alam kung anong nangyayari sakin kasi mas busy narin siya sa trabaho kaya napilitan akong harapin kung ano na yung nakasanayan ko.

I graduated highschool when I was sixteen. That four years is my worst nightmare, til...
I found myself the very worst version of me.

My heart full of hatred, I wanted to revenge, and so I made excuses.

I skipped a year of going to school for college, and learned self defence.

Yes.

Not because I wanted to learn defence, but I wanted to hurt bullies. My experience was a great motivation for me to keep going. I became better caused of the pain, and anger in my heart.

Til' I learned a lot already. I went to school in South Korea, and became...

The badass student.

I've become the person that I used to hate. I hurt other students who wants to mess up with me even the innocent one.

Everyone are scared of me, even the professors, and staffs.

I don't care about others, and how they feel. I made them feel what I felt in the past, and I thought I was going to love it.

Third year college, I happened to met someone. She's older than me, yet she's this happy, and bubbly person.

I once being rude to her, yet she talked to me everyday, and her smile made a big impact of my innermost.

But just like the others, I wasn't able to make it with her.

We never met again after that.