Things We Don't Normally Do

TWENTY FOUR

It was her fifth day at the hospital and she can honestly say she was starting to feel a bit better. They had started to ween her off of the anxiolytics* she was prescribed after being admitted into the hospital, which was something she thought she would have more problems with since she was admittedly starting to depend on benzos** even way before she ended up in the hospital.

She woke up early, and was able to see the psychiatrist, whose name her brain refuses to remember. She was finally given privileges to go outside the ward. This was great and all because it shows that the medical staff are starting to trust that she wasn't going to do anything stupid like hurt herself or go AWOL. But at the same time, she didn't mind being confined to the small space that was the psychiatric ward. She wasn't even sure why she would want to go outside--for some sun? It was still a pretty cold late March.

Being forced to stay in, along with the routine, and having people look after her--those were all things she, sadly enough, were starting to really enjoy. She started waking up early, because apparently she wasn't a cranky non-morning person if she just wasn't hungover and drugged out of her mind all the time. She liked that she met with a psychiatrist everyday; that she had a nurse that looked after her and made sure she took her meds on time.

She liked that she can talk to a councillor anytime she wanted--not that she had taken much advantage of this. She had only gone once, and when they initially insisted on trying to unpack what brought her to the hospital, she closed off and hadn't really wanted to go back. But she still liked that should she want to, she had the option to talk to someone.

She had just had her breakfast, and while she still didn't explicitly put herself out there to socialize with the other patients, she also stopped purposely isolating herself. She started making more eye contact, stopped choosing the corner table all the time. And when she was feeling extra confident, she might even sit by the window and maybe nod at fellow patients.

She thought about stepping outside for a bit. Not really out of the hospital, but to perhaps walk around. She could possibly go and see if she could get some clothes or underwear. She came into the ER with nothing but the clothes she was wearing--her vomit-drenched top, piss-stained jeans, a jacket, and boots. But everything had been collected during the exam, and she was instead given a white shirt and a pair of scrubs to change into before she was transferred to her ward.

Seeing her struggle with clothes, and not wanting her to be uncomfortable in a hospital gown everyday, her nurse, Olawumi, had gone above and beyond, looking through the hospital donation pile for anything that might fit her--a turquoise hoodie, a white t-shirt with flowers on it, a black bedazzled shirt, some godsend yoga pants, and another pair of stretchy pants.

She was far too embarrassed to ask anyone she knew from Calgary to get her clothes. Because in reality, she wasn't really close enough to anyone to ask for such a favour; she didn't know anyone well enough that she would let them see her in such a state. Except maybe for Kate. But she refused to talk to Kate. She wasn't sure if she was mad at Kate--after all her friend had not forced any substance on her. She took everything on her on volition. But she couldn't help but feel betrayed and abandoned.

Where was Kate when everything went to shit? Did she know what happened?

The day after the incident, the first day Alex woke up in the hospital, she got her phone to see just one text from Kate.

Kate

Duuuude you were so wasted. Lol

And yes, maybe it wasn't fair to put blame on Kate. After all, maybe the girl didn't know what happened. Maybe shit went down after they parted. She still couldn't remember half the night, so she couldn't be sure if there was anyone else to blame other than herself. But between her shame and guilt for what she had brought on herself, she just felt like she couldn't trust anyone. And it was easier to be mad and upset with Kate.