Amidst A Thousand Suns

~flabbergasting disclosure~

Anamika's P.O.V.

~~~

"Umm...may I come in doctor?", I asked timidly while peeked through the door of the doctor's cabin.

She looked up from an opened file on her desk and smiled at me.
"Oh, Miss Anamika. Please come in."

I entered the chilled cabin and sat on the chair in front of her.

"It looks like Aaghyaa has catched pneumonia and the aerioles in her lungs are filled with phlegm."

"Oh my god, I-"

"There is no need to panic, miss. It's nothing serious. The thing is, we all have the bacteria of pneumonia in our throats or lungs at least our lifetime, but our immunity is able to fight it. Aaghyaa becomes an exception due to her medical history regarding asthma.", she informed.

"Oh.", I breathed.

"There's nothing to worry. It is just in the mild stage and if taken the appropriate measures, the pneumonia will be cured by day after tomorrow. We would just have to keep her admitted in the hospital for two days to ensure that all the phlegm has been removed. That's it."

"Oh, okay. Yeah, sure! Anything for her safety.", I said, bid the doctor bye and exited the cabin.

I needed to go to home to get her necessities. Well, I also need to get mine, since I will be staying beside her for two days in the hospital.

With my mind making up a list of things that I need to pack, I entered the room where she was admitted.
The doctor had given her a certain sedative which kept her in sleep for at least two hours, as I was informed by a nurse.
By the time she wakes up, I will be back.

I made my way amidst the various people, some grieving on loss, some rejoicing on welcoming a new member in their family and some holding hands with their loved ones, hoping that the news they are going to receive be positive, or negative in some cases, if you know what I mean.

In about two minutes I was in my car heading back to my house.

Driving and my overthinking went hand-in-hand.
So, while I was driving past millions of cars, two-wheelers, pedestrians and other vehicles, I couldn't help but ponder on what I had done.

Anamika, what have you done?
She wouldn't have been in this condition if you hadn't ordered her to go away.
God Anamika, can you show a little bit of sympathy?
Or are you so devoid of basic humanity, leave alone motherhood?!

It's all your fault.
Maybe if you hadn't pushed her away, she wouldn't have slipped away from you so easily.
It's all your fault, Anamika!
All. Your. Fault.

In utter rage, I hit the steering wheel with both my palms and breathed rapidly.

And I deserve what I have got.
Every single bit of it.
I deserve the loss, the grief, the sadness, the remorse, the guilt...
I deserve everything except love.

How can I expect to find love and redemption of any kind after what I have done to Aaghyaa and to Arun?
To my parents?
And to her, all those years ago?

It came to me ever so slowly.
The reality, the disclosure.
The fact that I do not deserve anything; that I never deserved to be happy.
And when it came, it left my chest tearing.
The knot tightened itself in my bosom to such an extent that I had to take rapid breaths to breathe.
But somehow, I did not feel like crying.