Amidst A Thousand Suns

~dusk and dawn~

Anamika's P.O.V.

~~~

My heart rate quickened and I freed my hand from Aaghyaa's.
No.
No.
Not this.
I-I can't do this.
Never.

"Maa, calm down, please?", she said and held my hand again, but this time, more softly.

I glanced at the sight in front of me again and looked away almost immediately.
I can't even look at it, let alone enter it.

"Aaghyaa...Aaghyaa, no! Please, no! I...I can't do this....I-I am scared. Please, beta. Please, I beg you-", I whined and pleaded to her as if I were a prisoner who was constantly being tortured.

I tried frantically to free myself from her grasp, but her hands tightened around mine more and more.

"Maa-"

"No! No! Please, no! I can't do this! I won't be able to handle it! Please-"

I couldn't take it anymore.
She wasn't ready to let go of me!
She just wasn't!
So, amidst all the people of Mussoorie that were going about perfectly in their lives, I let out a small scream.
My knees gave up on their remaining strength and I fell down on the hard, granular road.
My hands immediately covered my face and the tears started streaming almost quite naturally.

Doesn't she get it?!
Was it too hard for her to understand?!
I can't do this!
I can't go inside there!
If I go, I will suffocate myself to death!
If I go, I won't ever be able to live with myself ever again!
The pain, the grief of loss, the regret...it will all come rushing back to me and will hit me so hard in my chest that I will die.
Dying seems easier than to face this.

I heard slight murmurings and I looked up with my teary, sorry face to see some grown men approaching Aaghyaa with a stern look on their face.
They were thinking whether if she was a street bully or not.
I quickly shook my head no and clarified that she was my daughter.
They gave me a puzzled look; as if analysing how weird I was considering that I was her mom and was in such a sorry condition in front of the lot.
But soon, they cleared out.

I looked up helplessly at Aaghyaa yet again and told her with my eyes not to do that.
She put her hands under my arms and lifted me up from the ground.
When I was straight up, she pushed a lock of my hair behind my ear.

"It...it hurts, beta. It hurts so much. I-I won't-I can't...", I sobbed into her shoulder.

The earlier Anamika would have never thought that a day would come like this where she would be crying in her daughter's arms, begging her to spare her from the suffering that will be caused to her.
This Anamika doesn't give a shit about how she looks in front of her daughter.
This is me.
This is the real me.
And I am tired of hiding from her; from myself all these years.
This is who and what I am; in flesh and bones, and also, at heart and soul.

She hugged me and caressed my back.

"Calm down, Maa. I want you to remember the day when the hospital called you to inform about dad's death.", she whispered softly.
My breath hitched.

I faced her.
What the hell was she saying?
She was asking me too relive that day; that nightmare-

"Yes, I want you to visit your nightmare again. And I am sorry; truly sorry that I have to do this. But I need to. I need to break you completely before I can help you pick up and fix pieces of yourself, okay? And I need you to co-operate, okay?"