Amidst A Thousand Suns

~a joy that kills~

Aaghyaa's P.O.V.

~~~

I have no idea how I got up today, brushed my teeth and had a bath.
I just don't know how.

It all felt like a dream.
To confirm myself that I wasn't in some sort of a lucid dream, I had pinched my forearm a million times.
But this wasn't the kind of dream that you believed, was too good to be true.
This was a kind of dream that you wished to be true in every sense possible but also dreaded it so much that you think that the anxiety lurking inside you will kill you.
Of a happiness so intense that you will feel that you might die from the anxiety of it being true that comes moments before it.
Of a joy that kills.

As I looked past all the high rise buildings of Mumbai through the window of the taxi, I couldn't help but feel that I never wanted this day to come.
Ever.
I want to live the coming moments, of course, but not in this way; not in any way that is possible in this living, breathing dimension.
Probably, in a parallel universe, I might give it a thought.

Just yesterday, Maa had surprised me with two tickets to YouTube FanFest.
Do I even need to say anything anymore?

I was too shook to even move a muscle to pack my bag for our little trip.
And when I finally did, I packed a plain black hoodie and a blue bell bottom.
I was too blank to think of anything else.

Maa gave me an earful but yet again, I had just stared and stared into the a point behind her that she declared it was impossible to get any word out of me at that point of time.

All my memory was a complete blur after she had shoved the tickets in front of my face.
The afternoon of yesterday when we hopped onto the train, the evening that we checked in a hotel, the whole night, and today morning, I didn't sleep a wink.

While Maa slept peacefully on the comfy bed of the hotel room beside me, thinking that a good night's sleep was important to fully enjoy today, I lay awake with my eyes wide open for freaking eight hours just staring and tracking the circular movement of the fan right above me.

When Maa had asked today morning how slept, I didn't say anything.
She understood.
I knew she did because she didn't force the true answer out of my mouth.

My eyes were looking at the continuously shifting scenes in front of my eyes but there was no way that my mind was processing any of it.
My mind still didn't agree to process that I was going to a FanFest, for that matter.

I had completely lost the concept of time, but I could tell by the position of the sun that it was about noon when we got off the taxi and neared the entrace of the fest.

Just as the big banner above the entrance fluttered in the warm wind of Mumbai, my heartbeats started increasing step-by-step.
Maa presented the gaurd with the tickets and he tied a cardboard band on our wrists.
When we entered the massive lawn that was covered by freshly cut green grass, I could see only a few handful of people roaming here and there.
While some chit-chatted about their excitement of meeting their favourite content creator, some were standing near the sandwich corner and stuffing their hungry mouths.
Some were back stage crew members, while some were excited fans.

"Do you want anything?", Maa asked and pointed to the sandwich and pizza stalls.

"I might puke, and I haven't had a drop of water since yesterday.", I answered.

"Understandable.", she nodded but chuckled nonetheless.

"Also, there are VIP tickets that can be bought to meet and chat with your favourite creator for a few minutes or so. I can buy one for you if you want...", she trailed.