20 Questions

Chapter 26

Bryson has exceeded his limit of alcohol and has puked in the bushes on at least four different occasions. Kevin has danced to every song that came on, even the bad ones, and looks like he may drop at any time. Patrick has found himself a red-haired plaything for the night and disappeared back to the lodge to make some questionable decisions. Justin, poor Justin, has been rejected by three different girls and has been pouting at the table for a solid hour. I really must help that boy work on his game. It's hard to believe these were the sperm that actually made it. Hunter has been trying to get me to visit the bathroom with him for a quickie pretty much the entire night. I wrangle all the boys up and get them loaded into the bus. The ride back is quiet, but I don't notice. I am cuddled up next to Hunter and he has a permanent smile etched on his face. Once we arrive at the lodge, Hunter and I make sure all the guys get back to their rooms safely, he stops in his room to brush his teeth and we make our way back to my room.

"Well, that was an interesting night," Hunter says as he pulls his shirt over his head.

"You can say that again," I reply. "I'm going to jump in the shower right quick. I smell like a walking ashtray. I won't be long."

I close the bathroom door as Hunter undresses and slips into bed. My clothes pool at my feet and I step into the warm stream of water, disgusted at the foul odor of cigarette smoke in my hair. I stand in the shower after I've finished washing and let the water run over me. Tonight really was an interesting night. I can't stop thinking about my unspoken connection to homeless Jansen and the memories that came flooding back to me. Despite the warm water running over my body, a chill runs from my head to my toes when I think about him looking my direction and telling me that he is at peace now. It's like he was staring directly into my soul to put me at ease.

I am tangled in emotions about so many different things. There is something that has been missing inside of me since Jansen left my world. It's a void I haven't been able to fill. I felt that hole every day since he died and at times it felt like it may be growing, but since I arrived here, I'm starting to feel like that black hole is closing inch by inch. Maybe I needed this time away from everything that reminded me of Jansen. Every road I drove on, every building I passed, every song that came on the radio reminded me of him. It's a small town and there is a memory attached to everything in it. I can't help but think that maybe it isn't just the relocation, but maybe Hunter is the force that is healing me. He's shown me happiness again. He's made me feel good about myself again. Jansen was always the person that did that. He made sure that everyone around me treated me well, including myself. He made me a better version of myself, but that better person has been missing in action for years. It's been a day-to-day routine of sleep, work, sleep, work, occasional night out, sleep, and work again. It's been monotony and there's been nothing for me to be excited about.

Here, in this city, with this man, I'm excited about something again and it feels good.

The conversation Hunter and I had outside the bar post panic attack replays in my mind. I was grateful that we were able to understand each other after the separate tragedies we have faced, but there was something else he said that is stuck in my brain.

I had never seen a dog with green eyes before, but they were the exact same shade as Josh's...the same color of yours, actually.

Questions float around in my head.

Did we all really share the same eye color?

Was the greenness of my eyes what drew him to me?

Was it the thing that made him feel like he could trust me and share his secrets?

Does he feel an oddly familiar connection to me or see me as some type of reincarnation?