20 Questions

Chapter 44

The ride home was quiet and somber, but not uncomfortable. My mom and I are both mentally and physically exhausted and conversation was unnecessary. She pulls up to my house and I lean over to give her a hug, lingering longer than it usually does, but I'm certain we both needed it immensely. I remind her to call me if there are any changes in my dad's condition or the surgery time. She assures me she will and kisses my forehead before I grab my purse and climb out of the car. I'm not completely comfortable with leaving my dad overnight in the hospital, but I'm confident that my mom will be right by his side the entire time. I open the garage, walk into the house and turn on the lights.

I take a seat at the kitchen table and look around at the little house that I love so much. It's the same as I left it, cozy and warm, but I feel like something is missing. The rooms are filled with furniture and decorations, but it's empty. It lacks laughter. It's missing conversation. It is without love. I never minded coming home to an empty house before, but things are different now. I envision coming home to Hunter, sitting on the couch and watching Sportscenter. He stands up to kiss me and asks me about my day. We dance around the kitchen and make dinner together. After we eat, we clean up the mess and head off to the bathroom to take a bath or shower together. Then to the bedroom to make love before falling asleep in each other's arms.

Without him, this house is just that. With him, it would be a home. My thoughts are interrupted by the loud growling of my stomach. I haven't gone to the grocery lately because I was going out of town for a week so there was no point. I dig through my freezer and pull out a frozen dinner. Even this single serving meal is a grave reminder of my loneliness. I pop my dinner into the microwave and check my phone once more. Still no messages or calls. I don't like this, not one bit. He should have called by now. I'm a little angry, a little worried and a whole lot of heartbroken. I'm tired, physically and emotionally, and it's making everything a lot worse than it actually is.

I remove my dinner from the microwave and grab a fork. I've had this particular dinner several times, but it tastes different. Actually, it doesn't have a taste at all. I finish half of it, only because I know I need to get some food in me but throw the other half away. My heart is breaking and food has lost its taste. I don't like feeling sorry for myself, but right now, I'm doing just that. I go into the bathroom, fill the tub with warm water, light a candle, get undressed and step into the tub. I close my eyes and pretend I am laying back against Hunter, his strong arms around me, making me feel safe. Tears roll down my face when I can no longer pretend that he is here. I used to love taking baths, but without him here, it's not the same.

I sit in the bath for a while longer, but thewarm water hadn't relaxed me the way I hoped it would. I get out and put on my pajamas, brush myteeth and head to bed. I put my phone onthe charger, set my alarm and check for calls or messages one more time in caseI went deaf and blind momentarily. Theresult is the same, so I turn off the light and close my eyes before the tearsstart back up. I eventually drift off tosleep...alone and miserable.