20 Questions

Chapter 51

I call my mom on the way home from my disappointing airport excursion. I cry into the phone, confiding in her about Hunter's absence and my broken heart. She makes every attempt to try and make me feel better, but honestly, nothing helps. I am beyond devastated and hurt, so very hurt. I tell her that I am going to go on home for the night, but that I will be up in the morning. She is going home for the night as well because there are no overnight visitors in the recovery room. I stop at the liquor store on the way home, which is completely unlike me, but I need something to numb the gnawing pain inside. Without putting too much thought into it, I grab a random bottle of wine off the shelf, contemplating popping it open in the middle of store. Maybe if I drink the whole bottle, I won't feel anything and can go to sleep. I feel the cashier staring at me as I dig through my purse for my ID, wondering if he can see the destruction taking place internally. It's a paranoid thought, but I feel like I am radiating despair for everyone to see.

I pull into my garage and shuffle inside, grabbing a container of ice cream from the freezer, a spoon and my open bottle of wine. I don't even bother to pour it into a glass. It's a drink straight from the bottle kind of night. I turn on the TV and click on the Netflix button. The Lucky One pops up, which only brings my tears to the surface as I reminisce about the night Hunter and I watched it. I've already downed half the bottle of wine, but it's not helping the pain in the way I hoped it would. More than anything, it just makes me miss Hunter more, recalling the night in the hot tub. It wasn't even about the intimate moments we shared. I mean, they were incredible, but I miss his company the most. I didn't feel alone anymore. I discovered how great it felt to have somebody that understood me and loved me, flaws and all.

At least I thought he loved me.

I get up to put the ice cream back in the freezer when I hear a knock on the door. If it's a Jehovah's witness, they are going to deeply regret stopping at my house. I'm too far gone tonight for even them to save. I open the door and relief floods my body when I see my mom standing there.

"I thought maybe you could use your mom tonight."

That's exactly what I need right now. My eyes fill up with tears as I throw my arms around her neck. She hugs me tightly and runs her hand over my hair. The familiar scent of her perfume and her warm embrace calm me in a way I so desperately need. I don't have to pretend like I am keeping it together with her. I don't have to act like I'm ok because she knows me and is aware of my turmoil. She takes my hand and we walk into the house, taking a seat on the couch.

"I'm so happy you decided to come over. Mom, I am an absolute wreck right now. I never thought I would find somebody like Hunter. He is everything I have ever wanted, ever needed. I am so lost without him." The tears fall down my cheeks and she wipes them with her hand. I hate being this desperate, needy girl. It's the person I never wanted to be.

"Baby girl, it's going to be ok. If I'm being honest, I'm kind of a mess myself. I wanted to be here for you, but I also couldn't go back to my house. It's not the same without your dad there with me. We've been together for so long that I don't know what to do without him. There's no way I would be able to sleep in that cold, empty bed. I thought you and I could be miserable together tonight. Like they always say, misery loves company, right?"

"Yeah, I guess that's true. I'm sorry I have been such a downer since I got back. I'm really glad you are here."

"Me too," she tells me as she grabs my hand. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really. I hope that's ok. I'm just tired of being upset about everything. If he doesn't want me, I'm gonna have to learn to accept that. It won't be easy, but I guess I have been through far worse with Jansen."

"I know, baby. Just know that if you ever want to talk about it, I will always be here to listen. I hate to see you upset."

"Me too, mom. Me too."

The buzz I had from the wine has worn off and now I am just tired. I ask my mom if she minds sleeping with me and she gives me an understanding smile and nod. Sometimes a girl just needs her mom and this is one of those times. We get ready for bed and I fall asleep as she runs her fingers through my hair.

~

When I wake up, my mom isn't in the bed. I stumble into the kitchen and she is standing at the stove making pancakes. They smell amazing and I am starving. Wine and ice cream weren't exactly the best dinner options, but it's all I could stomach. She places the plate in front of me and pours me a glass of orange juice. I thank her as she sits in the chair next to me. We don't talk much during breakfast, but it's comforting to have her here. After breakfast, we take showers and get ready to go up to the hospital.

My dad has already been moved out of the recovery room to a regular room when we get to the hospital.

"There's my favorite ladies," my dad chirps as we enter his room.

"Sorry it took us so long to get up here," I tell him. "Mom made breakfast and then we had to get ready. I overslept, but I was exhausted from yesterday."

"It's totally fine. Your mom called me on her way here and told me about the airport. JB, I'm so sorry. Things will get better, I promise."

"Thanks Dad. I know. It just sucks right now."

We spend the rest of the day at the hospital. I walk my dad around the unit a couple times and make him do his breathing exercises. He tells me that I am a drill sergeant and I tell him that he will thank me later when he doesn't develop pneumonia. Being here keeps my mind busy, but I know the pain will rear its ugly head again when I return to my empty house and am alone with my thoughts. I stay until just before dark. I'm know I am just procrastinating to avoid the emptiness that will inevitably occur. I kiss both of my parents and head home. I just hope I can sleep tonight.