20 Questions

Chapter 52

January came and went and honestly, it just felt like one big Monday. I brought in the New Year with my parents, which made me feel like the biggest loser of all time. My dad had just come home from the hospital so we stayed in to watch the ball drop. It was better that way because I wouldn't have been much fun to go out with. I excused myself to the bathroom so my parents didn't see my mental breakdown as the clock struck midnight. I had envisioned myself kissing Hunter to Pomp and Circumstance as confetti fell around us, dressed to the nines at some party and toasting with our champagne glasses to a new year and a new life. My parents were gracious enough to not point out my red, swollen eyes and trembling lip when I emerged from the bathroom.

My dad is recovering nicely from his surgery and even took up walking on the treadmill every day. My mom would make digs about switching to decaf coffee, but I think even she knew she wasn't going to win that war.

I went back to work and it kept my mind busy during the day, but the nights were excruciating. I had no desire to go out so I just ended up picking up extra shifts at the hospital. Occasionally, I would splurge on exciting things like new underwear and socks, but most of my extra money would go directly into my savings account. It's not like I had anything or anyone special to spend it on.

I continued my search to find Hunter, even if it were just to get some type of closure, but my searches always ended up as a dead end. I explored social media for any type of lead, but I fell empty every time. Everybody I know has some type of social media account, but if Hunter has one, it's not showing up in my search criteria. I scoured the internet, searching every architectural business I could find, but luck wasn't on my side.

All my co-workers were inquisitive about my holiday trip to Aspen. I couldn't bring myself to discuss my relationship with Hunter because explaining it severed my heart. I just told them that I did a lot of sightseeing and relaxed at the lodge. It's not a complete lie, but I never disclosed who accompanied me during my excursions.

I suppose all my hard work at the hospital was starting to pay off because I was asked to be a charge nurse on my unit. It wasn't that big of pay increase, but I was proud of my accomplishment. Then again, it was a lonely reminder that I had nobody but my parents to celebrate this achievement with.

A new nurse started on my unit and when I tried to take interest in her life outside of nursing, she filled me in on her new boyfriend and how crazy in love they were. I wanted to be happy for her and for everyone else in a devoted relationship, but jealousy and resentment bubbled under the surface. When she revealed that his name was Hunter, I went all Britney Spears circa 2007 on her – minus the shaved head - and demanded that she show me a picture of him. Relief washed over me when it wasn't my Hunter dating another girl, but I would have loved to have seen his face nonetheless. Despite everything that happened, I still want happiness for him. I forced myself to leave the conversation when she started talking about her Hunter because hearing the name stung more than a thousand bee stings. Even after a couple weeks, she still approaches my crazy ass with caution.

I would visit Jansen frequently. It's not really where I feel close to him, but it was therapeutic to talk about things. I realize I am talking to a stone wall, but at least the block of stone didn't try to convince me that time will heal my broken heart or everything will be ok. I'm tired of hearing that. Time hasn't healed my broken heart and everything is far from ok. I sound pathetic, pining over a man that obviously wants nothing to do with me, but I can't let go of what we had. Memories of the sleigh ride, the Christmas lights, the love we made and the proposal kept me up at night. I woke up exhausted every morning and my eyes carried bags and a constant black ring around them. No amount of overpriced makeup can mask the pain I feel in my heart.