20 Questions

Chapter 6

Thanksgiving was a few days later and the family tried to get together, but it wasn't the same. I'm not sure it will ever be the same. Jansen was the glue and without him, the family may begin to unravel. Christmas was painful. I never thought I would say that about my favorite holiday, but I didn't have my person to keep the magic going.

A few years passed and it was getting harder and harder to get together for the holidays. Sadly, it wasn't the same. It became an obligation instead of a joyous occasion that we all used to love so much. Family members would show up, eat dinner, open a few presents and hurry home like they would so much rather be doing something else.

The year continued to drag on at a snail's pace and I buried myself in work to keep my mind off my all-consuming loneliness. It was October, and I was already starting to dread the holiday season. I'm not sure I could tolerate another obligatory Christmas. I needed something else, something new, something that may give me joy again. Something to breathe life back into me. I needed to get away. Five years ago, I would have never entertained the thought of spending the holidays without family, but I had my mind made up and nothing or nobody was going to change it.

The next day I went to work to discuss my plans with my boss. It's almost unheard of when you work in a hospital to take off the week of Christmas. It's like an airline with blackout dates. I begged and pleaded with her, conveniently throwing in all my recent good deeds and patient compliments as if I were interviewing to be the Pope's right-hand man.

What can I say? I'm not proud.

I poured my heart out to her. She knew how Jansen's death broke me and how hard I am still taking it. She reluctantly agreed to my vacation request - filling me with relief and gratitude - and I may have blurred the lines of professionalism when I wrapped my arms around her and lifted her off the ground.

I finished my shift and headed home. I didn't have the energy to cook dinner so I ran through the drive-thru and picked up some grease in a paper bag. I was grateful to be off work tomorrow and was looking forward to sleeping in...or being up all night with diarrhea from my exquisite dinner choice.

After dinner, I open up my laptop and type in Best destinations for Christmas. So many options pop up...Tahoe, Gatlinburg, Aspen. They all look amazing and choosing one will take major consideration. I also need some time to think about what I am going to tell my family as to why I won't be spending the holidays with them because if the conversation goes as expected, it will be equivalent to a pap smear...invasive and uncomfortable. This will be the first year, but I want it.

No, I need it.

There's so much to think about and I need to decide what I want most out of this getaway. I close my laptop and head into the bathroom to run a much-needed bath. I turn on the hot water and drop in a lavender bath bomb, undressing and stepping into the warm water. It would be really nice to have someone to take a bath with. It's been so long since I've been in a relationship. I've been a hot mess the last couple years and busy with work that the thought of dating was buried deeper in my skull than a beloved root canal.

My last relationship was short-lived, only lasting a couple months. He was sweet, but not husband material. He was a weak man and a weak man doesn't know what to do with a strong woman. I've been told that I'm intimidating, a handful and I guess that makes me less attractive to men. The relationships before that were a bust as well, but for different reasons.

I sink down into the water and let it gently soothe my sore muscles. Working twelve hour shifts at the hospital is physically taxing and take a toll on my body and mind. My eyes close as I envision the holiday destination. Images come to my mind of comfy plush couches, the smell of cedar and a large fireplace. I picture sitting by the fire with a cup of hot chocolate and a good book. I want to like coffee so much, but I just can't acquire a taste for it. I love the way it smells and I envy people who drink it. I had always heard that your taste buds change every seven years, but I've yet to experience that.