20 Questions

Chapter 88

I am disappointed and hurt, but mostly, I am just flat out pissed off. Hunter had no right to accuse me of anything. Yes, it was pretty shitty that Peyton threw the whole "I guess you can lose my number now" comment in Hunter's face, but there is no reason Hunter should have exploded the way he did. His overreaction to the situation is the reason I am sitting in this strange car, wondering where I am going to go. I don't want to go home because I'm not ready to face him yet and I know that's the first place he will check. I don't want to go to my old house because that is the second place he will check. I definitely don't want to go to my parents' house because they don't need to be involved in any of the drama. He's already tried to call and text me a million times, but I'm not ready to talk to him just yet. I need some time to sober up and calm down. I shouldn't have called him stupid for misspelling my last name or brought up Liz. It was a low blow, but he kept pushing me and I was getting angrier by the second. Plus, I've been told I don't fight fair. I am hot-tempered and ruthless when provoked. This is exactly why I choose to walk away and cool down when I get mad because I tend to say a lot of things I will inevitably regret.

I give the driver my destination and he asks me four times if I'm sure that's where I want to go. I tell him yes each time. I realize going to a cemetery in the middle of the night is creepy as fuck, but there's somebody I need to talk to, even if he can't talk back. I'm hurting and Jansen was always the person I went to when I was upset. It's not like I am walking around searching for a gravesite in the middle of the night. Jansen's parents opted to have him laid to rest in the mausoleum.

Ok, maybe it's a little weird, but then again, I'm a little weird.

The driver drops me off and asks me three more times if I am sure. I inform him that it's not the first time I have been here in the middle of the night. Grieving doesn't discriminate or choose a convenient, banker's-hours-part-of-the-day to exacerbate. I hand him money and tell him to have a good night before I turn around and walk away.

I open the door to the mausoleum and sit on the bench in front of Jansen's plot. Tears roll down my face and I don't know if it's because of the fight with Hunter or the fact that I still miss Jansen terribly. I have so much on my mind right now, but it all goes back to Hunter. I know how difficult it is for him to trust people, but I'm not just any person. I am his fiancée. I waited an entire year and never gave up on him, but he was so quick to be done with me if I didn't tell him what he had convinced himself happened.

Tell me the truth or I'm done.

His words burn me as much now as they did then. He had convinced himself that I was hiding something from him. There's no doubt in my mind that his past relationships played a role in his paranoia, but I won't be punished for things that happened before we ever met. I stand up and trace my finger over Jansen's name plate. I know that he's not physically here, but I still feel connected.

"Hey cuz. It's late and I'm still a little drunk, but I didn't know where else to go and my heart lead me here to you. There's not a day that goes by that I don't miss you or wish I could hear you laugh just one more time. You would always make me feel better and I could really stand to feel better right now."

I know I look like a crazy person, pouring my heart out to a stone wall, but something about getting it all out eases the pain. I tell Jansen about the fight and the engagement. I choke up as I describe my wedding dress and how I wish he were there to go cake-tasting with me. I lost my best friend and nobody knows that pain unless they have experienced it firsthand. It's loneliness and a broken alliance that can't just be replaced. It's years of building memories and hurting when those images fade over time. It's keeping each other's secrets, feeling blessed that they chose you to hold them, but also the hard truth that they literally took your secrets to the grave. It's the comfort of somebody always having your back and the pain that comes from having to face the world alone after their departure. It's the unconditional love they give, even when you're wrong, and then facing the disappointment that nobody will ever know you or love you in the way that they did. It's your brightest happiness, but can also be your darkest sorrow. It's simply bittersweet.