Heart of Thirst

15

Chapter Fifteen

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"Anong gagawin natin sa Tagaytay?"

HIndi pa rin ako makapaniwala. Pupunta kaming Tagaytay? Anong gagawin namin don? Bakit kami pupunta don? Imbis nasagutin ang tanong ko ay ngumisi lang siya. Nasa Manila pa kami kaya may parte pa sa aking ayaw manila.

But when I saw the familiar road to Tagaytay, that's when I woke up from my clouded thoughts. Tahimik lang siya habang nag mamaneho. Nakapatong ang siko sa bintana habang ang kanang kamay ay tamad na nakahawak sa manibela.

Nang malagpasan namin ang traffic ay saka palang niya kinalikot ang sasakyan.

He reached for the stereo and played the music. The vehicle was filled with a familiar melody. It was awkward at first, so I avoided looking at him. I remember that night. Hindi ko na halos maalala ang ibang detalye dahil sa antok ko, pero ang boses niya sa gabing iyon ay malinaw pa rin sa pandinig ko.

Ang katahimikan sa pagitan naming dalawa ay nilamon ng kantang iyon. I heard him clearing his throat. I don't know if it's making him uncomfortable for some reason. I just find it awkward because after he sang this song that night, we never talked about it the next day.

Nilingon ko siya. His eyes are serious and his brows are furrowed. He glanced at me when he felt my stare. Sa unang pagkakataon ay nagkaroon ako ng lakas ng loob para tagalan ang titig sa kaniya. He can't stay staring at me because he's driving, and that's what makes me want to look at him longer.

Alam kong hindi naman talaga namin pinag usapan kung ano ang meron kaming dalawa. I confessed back in Palawan while he never did. He never confirmed his feelings to me. We enjoy each other's presence. I found comfort in him. I found a home. Hindi ko alam kung tama bang iniisip ko ang bagay na ito sa kaniya. Pero simula nang makilala ko siya ay nahinto ako sa paghahanap ng bagay na matagal ko nang gustong maramdaman. The love and comfort my heart has been longing for a very long time stopped finding that specific feeling because of him.

Pero hanggang ngayon, hindi ako naniniwalang pagmamahal itong nararamdaman ko. My view of love is sacrifices. I have not sacrificed enough to call this feeling love. Or maybe I'm just telling myself that it's not love because deep inside me, I'm scared. I'm afraid that he can't give back the love I'm feeling. I'm afraid that if I admit to myself that I love him, I will take the risk and admit it to him too. Just like what I did in Palawan.

Hindi ko gustong maulit pa iyon. Dahil halo halo ang pakiramdam. Hindi ko kayang tiisin kung sakaling hindi niya rin naman ako gusto. Natatakot akong hanap hanapin ang presensya niya kapag nawala na naman siya sa tabi ko dahil lang sa nararamdaman ko.

Oh, and I've got all that I need,

Right here in the passenger seat...

Natapos ang kanta nang hindi ko tinatanggal ang paningin sa kaniya. Malala na talaga ako.

"There's a gasoline station nearby." Binasag niya ang katahimikan. "Do you want to stop by?" His lips turned into a thin line as he asked me a question.