an ocean of tears

act one: overthinking relationships

[ selena ]

i'm not as much of a weeb as i was several years ago.
i remember finishing 2 seasons of an anime in one day, or at least watching 2 different, 12-episode anime.

but being a college student with zero motivation to continue living, watching anime became a little hard.
gustuhin ko man manood ng at least 3-5 episodes, hindi ko magawa dahil madalas na hectic schedule ko sa university.
mabuti na nga lang at nalilibang ako minsan. minsan nakikipag-usap sa 'kin yung long-time best friend kong si nicolo rosario.

minsan.

we used to talk so much but i guess, life's really just like that. over time, we both became busy with our own lives to even think about other people. we barely even talk, anymore. mostly sa chat na lang, bihira pa saka matagal yung pagitan ng mga replies niya.

hindi naman ako nagrereklamo. wala rin naman akong karapatan.

bumuntong-hininga na lang ako at pumalumbaba.
nagulat ako nang may biglang pumalo sa braso ko.
"hoy, mamalasin ka, sige!" sabi ni faye, sa 'kin. isa si faye sa apat na madalas kong kasama dito sa university bilang third year college student.

"malas naman na talaga ako. paano ba naman, apat na babaeng adik sa kpop at kdrama kasama ko," sabi ko sabay tawa sa kaniya. inirapan niya ko.

"wow, ha? at least," sabi ni joana pagkahigop niya ng kape niya, "totoong tao kinaaadikan namin at hindi 'yang anime-anime na 'yan!" asar niya sa 'kin to which i laughed.

i was about to open my mouth to make a better comeback when ella and norie came back from the cafeteria.
"oh," sabi ni norie at inabot sa 'kin yung order ko na chocolate-flavored na frappe at cheesecake, "haba ng pila sa cafeteria, punyeta." reklamo niya pa pagkaupo niya.

"e lagi namang mga taga-engineering yung nandoon." sabi ni joana.

"ay, oo nga pala," sabi ni ella habang nginangata yung pagkain niya, "nakita ko kanina si nicolo. hindi ba kayo nag-uusap?"

makirot sa dibdib kapag naaalala ko.

"hindi gaano, e. busy kasi kami parehas," sagot ko habang binibigyan siya ng pilit na ngiti.

maayos naman kami nung huli kaming nag-usap. sa totoo nga lang, sobrang dalas naming mag-usap noong mga nakaraang buwan. pero nitong mga nakaraang araw, biglang naputol na lang communication namin.

i do, of course, clearly understand why. we aren't kids anymore. we have things to take care of on our own, responsibilities, and things related to uni. we are, after all, chasing our dreams. kaya naman kino-kontra ko na lang yung sarili kong pag-iisip na nagrereklamo na bakit biglang nahinto pag-uusap namin. iniisip ko na lang na normal lang naman 'to sa mga magkakaibigan. na kahit gaano pa kami katagal na hindi mag-usap, naroon pa rin yung closeness namin sa isa't isa.

iniisip ko na lang na hindi naman niya 'ko girlfriend para magdemand ako ng atensyon niya. best friend niya lang ako. kahit naman girlfriend niya ako, hindi rin dapat gano'n ang mindset ko. hindi na ako bata.
saka isa pa, masyado na 'kong matanda at busy para sa mga ganitong isipin.

bumuntong-hininga 'ko.

na-realize ko lang na kaya siguro ako nakakaisip ng mga ganitong bagay, e dahil matagal na 'kong may gusto kay nicolo. hindi ko alam kung bakit sa loob ng 6 years na gusto ko siya, i never looked at anyone else. even the idea of liking someone else when i'm in love with him sends shivers down my spine.

that's how fiercely loyal i am. i've been looking at someone who doesn't even like me back. i couldn't even stomach the thought of trying to date other guys. whatever i saw in him, i couldn't see in anyone else.

he's just so different from the other guys.
our taste, our humor, our vibes-everything just clicks so well together. it would almost seem like we fit so well with each other.

but at some point, i've come to realize na i wasn't what he's looking for; that i wasn't his type. he knew me like the back of his hand and yet, i wasn't the girl he dreams of being with. and i know i can't force him to choose me if i'm not even on his list of choices.

i've come to realize na hanggang best friends lang yata talaga yung kayang ibigay sa 'kin ni nicolo. partida, hindi pa ako nagko-confess niyan.

bumuntong-hininga 'ko.
hindi ko alam kung pang-ilang beses ko na 'tong bumubuntong-hininga pero nakaka-adik kasi, e. parang kahit ilang segundo o minuto lang, gumagaan kahit papaano pakiramdam ko.

hindi talaga maganda dulot ng pago-overthink sa 'kin.