Anchor- A JJ Maybank Fanfic

21. The Safe Place

WARNING: SEXUAL CONTENT

The Safe Place:
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Early morning came around quicker than I expected it to be. Santana and I were both having breakfast at our dining table, shoving cereal in our faces and waiting for her parents, the Venderás, to finally come home from work.  My eyelids feel heavy from the lack of sleep.

I kept thinking about how he said that he's physically attracted to me. And I couldn't deny it any longer, I was attracted to him as well. But I didn't want to go any further than that. All we needed was the physical part of each other, not the emotional part. Besides, I barely know him, I'm not letting my guard down that easily.

After JJ left, I still had adrenaline in my system...because I caught myself wanting more. That thrill, the sensations I felt, the way JJ glanced down at me, I wanted more of that. I still couldn't believe I gave him head last night. That was my first time doing that to a guy. I smile to myself at the fact that I gave JJ pleasure without really knowing what to do.

I didn't get to do this type of thing with Topper when we had sex those two times. One because it was my first time and I was nervous as hell, and two because of that girl walking in and disrupting our mood by being a nasty bitch.

My stomach turns painfully against my gut just by thinking and wondering about her. Who was she? Was she a friend or...or someone else? Does she live there? What's her connection with Topper? I started to recall her saying something about being around Pogues all the time, but I forgot what her relationship was with them.

I also remembered how gorgeous she was. With her straight polished black hair resting on her shoulders and her clothes hugging around her small body. How her lips were so full and how it glimmered in the light, and how her mascara and eyeliner striped those almond dark eyes that could make anyone get lost in them. Or how her cheeks were as pink as a peony flower in late spring. Her face was glowing and seemed so smooth as silk. I didn't get to see her smile or teeth, but I knew it was just as beautiful.

I wouldn't be surprised if that girl had a thousand people going after her, begging for her affection. I suddenly felt this burning chunk growing in my chest just by thinking about how attractive that girl was. If she knows Topper, then she's probably a Kook, meaning she's rich. So not only does she have a pretty face and has a dream body for every girl wants, but she's living in a house on the hills.

I didn't want to compare myself to that girl, but I couldn't help it. Her skin is so clear and clean, I have little bits of acne on my cheeks and chin. Her hair is healthy and shiny, mine is a wavy mess with split ends and baby root hairs poking upwards at the edge of my hairline. Filed nails while mine is chipped.

Society always says that we should love ourselves no matter what. Like it's the most valuable thing there is. And they're not wrong, but what happens when we start to do bad things in our lives and then get judged by them? We really shouldn't blame people by judging since it's in our nature, but how should we continue to love ourselves when the only thing people point out are the broken pieces? And once we start swallowing those shattered portions and making an effort to fix ourselves, we create a mirror inside us that reflects the terrible and ugly version that is impossible to love and accept.

"Earth to Meredith Star!" A rough voice startles me, making me shoot up at Santana terrified, "Damn, nena, what got you thinking so hard?"

I blinked my way out of my thoughts and shook my head, "Nothing, just tired." Santana squints her eyes at me as if she's suspicious about something. "What?" I ask, placing the spoon of cereal in my mouth.

She pushes her tongue against her inner cheek, still squinting her eyes at me. " 'Miga, " Santana begins, "I know you like I know my own damn mind, I'm starting to feel offended that you think I'm that stupid, " She shoves her spoon in her mouth and chews loudly. Once she swallows, she mumbles, "I know what's making you think so hard, and it has to do with JJ and those fresh hickeys on the side of your neck, doesn't it?"