Anchor- A JJ Maybank Fanfic

26. The Forbidden Memory

The Forbidden Memory:
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Flashes of hot sparks travel all over my back and neck as nerves shake my bones and muscles. I keep my head towards the shining now bright sea, desperately searching for a sign of comfort. JJ's arms tighten around my waist, "I don't want you to try and run on out of here, even though you basically can't." A choked-up laugh leaves his mouth as he places his chin on my cold shoulder, releasing bumps on my trembling skin, "But I know about it, Mer, I know what Topper did to you."

No. No. No. I pray for my eyes and ears to hallucinate and trick me about everything and prove that this whole thing is a fake reality. Or I'm probably sleepwalking into a dreadful realistic nightmare and I would wake up in my bed if I flutter my eyes open. JJ buried his nose into my neck, proving that I was awake, and this was not a dream, this was real. My heart is so up my throat that if I start speaking, I might throw it up.

What does JJ mean by that? How long has he known? How did he know if he was obviously clueless about it when he first met me? My gut curls as the cold fear shoot throughout my body. I feel so weak from walking, from staying up almost all night, and from the discomfort between my legs. The emotional distress consumes every weak part of me. It twists and clenches every system in my body that I need to survive.

"Say something, Princess, please," JJ turns me around by the waist, forcing me to confront my worst fear. Swirls of anxiety compressed my stomach as I broke eye contact with JJ. Unsteady thoughts crammed my mind, making me feel extremely dizzy as a flood of humiliation washed over me. I could feel his eyes on me, probably wondering why I haven't said anything yet. I bite my tongue, feeling the words that might break our friendship on the tip of my tongue. Cold sweat breaks down on my neck while I force my nails to dig on my skin, hoping it'll make me bleed because I need to feel something worse than this internal anguish.

"Santana told me," JJ confides, "She randomly brought it up when she picked me up from my..." He inhales a breath and stiffens a little behind me, "From my friend's place."

I squeeze my stomach inward as if I just got stabbed, bleeding out all the trust and assurance that I felt minutes ago while looking at the sunrise. Santana told him? No, no, she wouldn't, would she? No, god no, why the fuck would she tell him? She promised me that she wouldn't tell any of the Pogues if they showed signs that they didn't know, which they did, otherwise their demeanor around me would be very different.

No, no I refuse to believe that the only person I trust more than I trust myself, the person who is capable of taking a bullet for me, who stood beside me and defended me when everyone gave me a piece of their hell, the one who encouraged me to keep my life going, is the same one who betrayed me and told the second person who I was starting to trust more than myself.

Why would Santana do that to me? And for what reason?

"Merrie, hey," JJ curls his index finger and raises my chin as his other hand slides away from my waist and pushes the hair out of my face, "You could've told me, Princess, I wouldn't have said or done those things before if I knew that you were uncomfortable, I wouldn't-," JJ stops talking for a moment, but I hear him gulp. It was the type of gulp you do when you have something to regret, which makes me even more nervous to look at him, "I wouldn't have left you at The Chateau like that, I would've... I would've understood, Mer, why didn't you-."His voice breaks slightly. Why is his voice breaking? Worry forces me to slowly look up, watching a flash of guilt pass his eyes, "I'm...I'm sorry I made you feel like it was your fault that I left you without talking to you, I promise I didn't mean to try and force you into anything, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry."

I couldn't hold it together anymore. Hurt, embarrassment, and guilt submerge, which causes wet tears to escape my burning eyes. I'm hurt because my best friend shared a secret that wasn't for her to tell. I'm embarrassed because now another person knows about my past and labels. JJ knows about the sex video. And I'm guilty because I couldn't imagine what JJ felt when he heard about it. All the times I rejected him for it and JJ believed that this whole time, he was being pushy with me when that wasn't the case at all. I could feel his hurt shining off of him and inserting it into my aching heart.