Giovanni Vitale

CHAPTER 35 - What Have I Done

S/H trigger warning

Noah pov

"You're weak."

"You weren't strong enough to fight back."

"You're alone. No one is coming to help you."

"Your family won't care that you're gone."

"Give into the dark. Let it consume you until you're numb."

Those were all the things going through my mind as I sat in my shower, blood pouring from my thighs into the drain, the razor blade falling from my hold.

"I'll never be good enough."  Escaping him is impossible.

It's like being in my own head is worse than being back with Dominic. At least there, I could tell myself that everything he said was superficial. But when it's in my own head, I can't escape it. I'm trapped.

The only thing I registered before everything went black, was the door opening.

Gio pov

I walked into the bathroom, hoping to join Noah in the shower, only to find her on the floor with her knees curled up to her chest, leaning on the wall with blood pouring from her thighs.

I'd seen her self harm scars before, I made sure to kiss them every time I could. They seemed old so I thought she stopped doing it.

She told me it was after she came back from that place, she'd had trouble not letting herself go into a dark place.

I ran to her and turned off the shower. I picked her up in my arms and led her to her bed. I got some gauze to cover the wound and called for a nurse.

She immediately came and tended to the wounds.

"She lost a lot of blood, but she should wake up in a few hours." I let out a breath of relief.

---

Noah had woken up a few hours after I'd found her. She avoided me for a few days, until now. I had her trapped in our bedroom.

"We need to talk." I told her.

"What for?"

"You know what for. Why'd you do it?"

"Gio, can we please not talk about this now?" She raised her palm to my chest but I grabbed her wrist and threw it back down.

"No, this is serious. I gave you a few days to rest but I need you to talk to me about how you're feeling."

She looked away. "I'm feeling fine." She mumbled.

"I could've lost you." It came out as a whisper.

"We all die eventually" She started being cold with me.

"Don't you dare put up your guard with me. If you don't tell me what you're thinking, how am I supposed to help you? You're letting your fears stop you from being happy."

"I don't need help."

"Everyone needs help every once in a while." I cupped her cheek.

"Not. me." She's angry now.

"Even you." I'm trying to be soft, I know it isn't easy for her to let her walls down. "This-" I motioned between us "- can't work, if you don't tell me what goes through that brilliant mind of yours." I tapped her temple while my other hand held one of hers.

"I don't know what you're talking about." She sniffled. "I need some air." She moved onto the balcony and I followed her. We kept quiet for a second, just staring into the dark sky.

"Look, I don't want you hurting yourself. I want you to come to me when you're feeling like self harm is your only option. I can't promise that I'll say all the right things, but I will promise to never leave your side."

"WHY DO YOU CARE?! IT DOESN'T MATTER. I DON'T MATTER."

"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU." The words escaped my mouth before I could stop them.

"No, no you don't. Now you're just being delusional." She shook her head.

"I'm not. Don't undermine my words. I love you and that's one of the few things I'm sure of in this world." I was using my authoritative voice.

"I think we should end this." She held the thumb to her lip as if she was thinking. "It was never supposed to go this far." Her breath was hitching and she was whimpering.

I couldn't say anything. I told her I loved her and she broke up with me.

"I'm sorry." She sobbed and ran out.

I stood outside with a lonesome tear going down my cheek and hitting my hand that rested on the railing, it soon started pouring and I was getting drenched.

Noah pov

I ran out, not knowing where to go. The only person who could make me feel better was the same one I'd just hurt.

"I love you and that's one of the few things I'm sure of in this world."

I love you too. More than words can say. It breaks my heart to hurt you.

All the things I want to say to him stay trapped in my mind. 

I was on my way to the front door when I ran into Luca. "Woah hey, is everything okay?".

I shook my head with tears blurring my vision. "Get me out of here, please." It was barely a whisper.

"Yeah, let's go." He put his hand on my back and led me outside. We drove into the city until he pulled into an apartment complex. "I own a penthouse here."

We went upstairs and into the luxurious penthouse. "Stay until you're ready to come back. Text one of us everyday to verify you're alright. Just do what you need to do to feel better and don't be afraid to ask anything. Do you want me to stay?"

I shook my head. "No, thank you."

"Okay, be safe. I ordered you some food for tonight, and I'll have Sky bring some stuff tomorrow." He kissed my forehead and left. He never even asked me what happened.

Well, I guess he didn't need to, he'll just learn it from Gio.

Fuck. What have I done?