outerbanks imagines.

hopeless romantics-john b.

let's face it:
i had problems.
had.
that's important to remember,
the past tense of it all.
because after you,
john b,
everything that was deemed "wrong" with me suddenly didn't seem so wrong anymore.
though if i have to tell our story,
i'd better tell it from the start.
the beginning to a perfect life as i knew it.
but like the start of every perfect story ever,
it begins with a wounded girl and a lost boy.
i had come from a broken family,
to say the least.
my father was here,
always present and in my sight,
but never there when it mattered.
he'd pick me up from school when he was absolutely forced to,
would sign my permission slips,
cook me dinner when my mother was absent
(though his meals were always straight from the freezer.)
but when i needed him to comfort me and tell me that my first heartbreak would pass,
when i needed him because i was struggling with my own desolating feelings,
or even when i just needed a hug,
my father was no where to be found.
he was a man of few words,
hardly ever spoke to me unless it was truly of importance.
so,
like i said,
here, but not there.
now my mother,
a beautiful woman who has worked more than half of her life to support her family,
was also not there emotionally.
when i need help on homework,
need to figure out what classes to take,
needed to get my license,
she was perfect to turn to.
when i was sobbing at eight years old in mourn of my favorite pet?
she told me to suck it up and move on.
i have a great deal of love for my parents,
but my emotions had never been handled gently in their grasp.
two emotionally stunted adults who birthed a daughter in tune with her emotions since she was a child was almost blasphemous to them.
"you need a boyfriend."
my mother had said,
bustling around the house to clean.
i ignored the comment and instead,
went to help her clean.
but she only smacked my hand away and told me,
"i'm serious, y/n. you've been cooped up in this house all summer! at least go see your friends."
had she forgotten already?
i had just come crying to her the day prior.
"i...don't have those friends anymore."
"what do you mean?"
she asked,
standing still for the first time today to stare at me with a sickened expression;
trying to figure out what planet i'd touched in from.
"i stopped talking to them after they...called me names."
my mother rolled her eyes with a scoff.
"come on, y/n. you're too sensitive. it was probably a joke."
i swallowed the knot rising in my throat at this.
"i think you could be a little less insensitive, mom. it was rude."
"no, you've always been easily offended. remember that time i told you to put on makeup before we left? you cried!"
my mother laughed like it was a memory worth rehashing and giggling over.
"i was eleven,"
i murmured,
recalling how little i felt that day;
eleven year old y/n blinking back her tears as she cluelessly applied makeup to her seemingly flawless skin.
"ugh, y/n, this is what i mean! so defensive."
i returned to my room after that sentence,
having had enough of her useless berating for one day.
i found comfort in the book lying open against the bed,
just waiting for my attention.
i eventually lost myself in the pages,
feeling myself become transformed into a character who was valiant, intellectual, not sensitive.
i found that my heart beat a little harder on an arising love scene.
how i would kill to have something as special and beautiful as that.
and when i found myself dreaming upon this same scene,
my mother's words came crashing down on me.
"your standards are entirely too high. it's all those books you read turning your brain into that. the truth? you get stuck with one partner and you try to make it work."
but i tried so hard not to believe it.
just because she got saddled and lost her one chance at true love did not mean i was forced to too.
i was going to find my soulmate.
i was bound and determined.
but every boy i had tried to find love in since then had only proved me wrong and her right.
i remember thinking:
am i this naive?
there's no way true love exists...
but there was still a part of me,
clinging on and begging for someone to prove me wrong.
and then there was you:
the lost boy looking for his footing in life.
i had heard about your fathers disappearance early on,
but i don't recall ever passing my condolences.
if i'm being honest?
i don't think you and i ever crossed paths in that school,
as small as it was.
the day we met was nearly inconsequential,
but it changed the trajectory of our lives as we knew it.
i had been hanging on the edge of the dock,
feet in the water and imagining floating
down..down..down.
against my better judgment,
i couldn't help but fantasize.
you suddenly came up from behind me,
saying,
"hey, is this your boat?"
you startled me,
which only made you laugh in response.
our eyes then met,
and the world seemed to come into focus.
"um...sort of. my dads."
"cool. nice boat."
i nodded in acknowledgement,
my eyes becoming mere squints to shield my retinas from the blinding sunlight.
and just like that,
you were gone with a wave.
even after you were long gone,
i couldn't quite get the image of you out of my mind.
how serene your expression was,
being met with glistening skin from hours beneath the sun and a dazzling smile.
i found myself growing dizzy at the reminder.
like the mere memory of your presence was enough to make my head swim.
i buried my head in my hands and whispered,
"stop."
the hopeless romantic in me was being dredged up from the depths of hell,
clawing and tearing at my insides as she appeared.
i had called myself insane for feeling such an intense motion from a five second conversation,
little did i know you and i were fortunate enough to experience a real love at first sight moment.
i went home that night and tried to ignore the yelling of my mother that was returned with low mumbles of my father.
it was beginning to grow tiresome;
her screeching and his nonchalance.
they would never understand one another,
never be able to communicate,
never really be in love.
i didn't understand why they wouldn't just give it up already.
so like clockwork,
i got up from my bed,
slipped my shoes on,
and headed right out of the window.
i went right back to the dock with a book in hand,
find solace in the air that rang with only the cries of cicadas.
it had become a sort of escape for me after losing my friend group,
these docks.
the boats around me would never spit insults to their humor,
the waves would never rise and criticize me and my faults.
i was safe.
"back again?"
i turned to meet your eye,
finding that my heart was beating into my throat in pure torture.
"it's peaceful."
"got that right...mind if i join you?"
you gestured your hands to the empty space beside me.
i shook my head and began inching over some to give you more space.
"go ahead,"
i said,
not sure i could even say no if i wished to.
your cologne filled the air quickly and nicely.
my lungs were singed with you now,
and i would never escape it so long as i lived.
"what are you doing back here?"
i asked carefully.
you turned your head away from the sky full of stars to look at me.
my heart thundered.
"i was coming to rob your dads boat."
and just like that,
my heart plummeted.
had i let my romanticized idea of you distort reality?
i couldn't believe you were anyone who would cause harm intentionally.
but i realized,
i hardly know you at all.
when you saw my mouth hanging open,
disbelief settling in my eyes,
you exhaled a laugh that made me squirm in confusion.
"i'm joking. i come out here sometimes for the..quiet."
"i've never seen you out here before."
you rubbed the palms of your hands together then shrugged.
"first time for everything."
i smiled and quietly thanked you for the company.
i was beginning to tire of this solitude;
you answered my silent prayers without realizing.
my once racing heart was now beginning to settle with your quiet presence,
now knowing that you meant no harm.
i could go back to admiring you without worry,
and hope that you felt the same race in your heart as i did.
i pulled my book open and tried to read,
but i found my eyes tracing over the same sentence in an attempt to grasp it.
i was much too distracted by your being here.
out of all the places to be in this town,
you chose the empty seat next to me.
i couldn't help but feel a surge in pride.
"what are you reading?"
i showed you the cover of my book,
worn from the repetitive running of my fingers along it,
having been through many reads.
annotations of my own,
favorite quotes and favorite parts,
stuck out in colored sticky notes.
"what are these little tabs?"
"just memorable moments of the book."
i watched you in a fixed fascination as you nodded your head,
but i could see the inquiry clouding your eyes.
"it's just parts i found funny, romantic, sad. or a phrase i loved. you know?"
"yeah, i get it. do you read a lot?"
i nodded.
"i try to. passes the time."
when you shifted your position to sit closer to me,
our knees now brushing one another,
my lungs reacted before i could grab ahold of myself.
my breathing hitched at the mere touch,
and my body engulfed itself into blush.
this hold you had on me already was increasing with each second you continued to sit beside me.
i worried i wouldn't be able to control myself further.
"can i see it?"
i nodded,
too nervous to do much else,
then flipped the book open.
as i showed you the notes of my book,
explaining why it was marked,
i tried to ignore the way your eyes began to lighten up while trailing along the pages,
and the way your steady breathing filled the silence when you read.
i don't think you realize how deeply i did and still do adore you.
"wow...that's cool,"
you said,
your legs swinging off of the dock in a timely manner.
"i suppose."
"you have a beautiful mind, you know?"
i swallowed hard and tried to hide my coy smile,
but you caught onto it,
returning it with the same amount of gleam.
"thank you, john b. that's a nice compliment."
you nudged my shoulder with yours,
sending a bloom of heat where your skin brushed mine.
"i should head back,"
i said with a soft sigh.
"me too."
though neither of us moved,
too compelled into one another to end this night.
it had been the start of something great,
we both were sure of it.
"well...i hope to see you later, john b."
i got up and began to walk,
against my desire to say,
but found that you gently drew me back by the wrist.
i could see the same surprise in your eyes that mirrored mine,
as though you were shocked at your own actions.
you placed a soft kiss to my wrist then let it go,
where it fell limp and on fire to my side.
"i'll be back to see you, promise."
i laid down that night with a smile bright to my lips. it felt good;
i felt a hundred times lighter than i'd ever known to feel.
***
had i gotten my hopes up?
surely not...
you couldn't do that to somebody,
could you?
i asked myself all these things as i sat on the dock,
waiting for you to appear.
but as the hours passed,
i realized that you weren't coming today either.
it had been a week since our last interaction,
and it was still very prominent in my mind.
the way your tender lips planted a kiss to my wrist,
giving me a departure gift so that i would have something to remember you by.
as though i could forget you.
i began to gather my things to leave,
disappointed yet again,
before i heard echoing footsteps.
"y/n!"
the sweet voice of desire fell over me,
making my blood hum with excitement.
"hey, you,"
i greeted with as much nonchalance as i could muster,
pretending like my heart wasn't fluttering inside of my ribcage.
"i'm sorry i haven't been back. i..i wanted to finish this before we met again."
you handed me a worn book with notes of your own sticking out of it.
i couldn't help but let out a laugh of surprise.
how my heart fluttered.
"wow...this is so nice of you, john b. thank you, i really appreciate it."
"anything,"
you said through a whisper of enchantment.
flattery overcame me,
following a giggle that left my lips.
you and i took our designated spots against the dock and opened the book.
i read through your notes,
blushing and smiling each time you drew a heart to commemorate the romantic scenes.
and when it came to the last page,
i found that my heart swelled to its fullest degree.
the last note laid,
and in your scrawl,
it read:
"from one hopeless romantic to another:
you'll never be alone from this day forward.
thank you for choosing me as a friend and blessing me with your company.
to further book dates.
-john booker routledge."
i couldn't quite explain why my eyes were brimming with hot tears as i read the final note.
it was as though this hole of solitude inside of me was becoming whole again,
being filled by your warm nature.
i had faith in you and our future.
for the first time in a while,
i felt hopeful.
all thanks to you.

from there on out,
bliss was the only emotion i knew to feel.
you and i got closer with each day,
sharing books and giggling in the depth of the night,
until we finally shared a kiss.
it was everything i'd imagined and more.
i'd never known such intensity to come from a mere kiss,
but i was glad to have experienced it.
we were attached at the hip;
you and i attended every event together,
you and i spent almost every night in one another's arms,
we loved one another to the fullest.
every flaw that i thought had ruined me,
you kissed and caressed and spoke to with care.
you made me feel alive again.
you held me when i had become so frustrated with my parents and wiped my tears,
saying,
"one day, i'll take you far away from here. where you can be at your best potential without your-your miserable parents making you miserable. okay? i promise. we'll go wherever you want and live happily."
i nodded my head with a soft smile before you kissed my forehead.
we had created a love so magical and so poetic,
i knew that no love story would ever come close to ours.
i had found my soulmate;
stumbled upon a love so true,
i knew happiness would forever touch my soul.