outerbanks imagines.

dont ruin this- john b

{tw: mentions of abuse.}

"hey guys,"
i greeted as i hopped into the boat with the pogues,
taking my unassigned assigned seat next to kie.
"hey!"
they all returned in unison,
letting the sun soak into their skin.
i couldn't help but laugh at this routine.
"so, how's the boyfriend?"
kie asked as she placed the sun glasses on the top of her head,
wriggling her eyebrows for details.
i smiled and shook my head.
"he's good. we went on a date last night."
that ended in a fight.
though i neglected to say that part.
kie nodded and gushed about how romantic it was.
"yeah. he's good to me."
when he's not yelling at me.
"i'm happy for you girl,"
kie smiled as she handed me a water.
i sighed and took small sips of it,
eyeing the beautiful setting around me.
it pained me to hold something so serious back from my best friends.
surely they deserved to know about the relationship i led behind closed doors,
but if he should ever hear about it...
i know i'd leave that conversation bruised and bloodied.
it sounded awful,
but bear with me.
when i controlled my tongue,
it was often fun to be around him.
"why don't you have an actual beer, y/n?"
john b asked as he extended the beer can out towards me,
snapping me from my thoughts.
i shook my head.
"oh. the boyfriend doesn't let me drink anymore,"
i explained with an easing laugh leaving my lips.
the whole boat scoffed at my words.
"seriously? that's an abuse,"
pope spoke up,
shaking his head.
i felt my heart skip several beats.
did they know?
"it's not like you're married to him!"
jj said.
"seriously. you've got to dump him,"
john b sighed before putting the can back in the cooler.
"guys! he's good to me,"
i defended for unknown reasons.
"so good but won't even let you drink?"
john b asked with raised eyebrows.
"shut up, jb. why do you hate him so much?"
"uh, maybe because he's a dickhead who won't let you enjoy a beer with your best friends."
"you haven't even met him. you might get along,"
i said pleadingly.
i surprised myself with how desperate i was to have them like this boyfriend of mine.
maybe if they approved of him,
he would feel easier about letting me hang out with them and argue with me less.
this train of thinking made my head hurt.
i hated how powerless i felt.
john b noticed the exhaustion in my eyes then leaned back into his seat,
saying nothing but,
"doubt it."
i ran my hands down my face in a moment of frustration.
"can i please enjoy a day with my friends? and not discuss my relationship? please?"
"say less,"
jj accepted while standing to his feet.
he climbed to the edge of the boat and front flipped into the water around us.
everyone cheered as he came to the surface,
and all of them were soon jumping in.
i stood behind,
laughing as the water sprayed my face with each new body added in.
"come on, y/n! we're waiting,"
john b began to sing.
everyone else started a chant to get me in the water.
how could i deny?
i swiftly jumped in and felt the water surround me,
cooling my once hot body.
the stress and pain that overtook my body was soon gone,
washed away with the waves.
i couldn't make myself break to the top.
this comfort here,
would fall away if i returned to surface.
all i wanted to do was sit here and revel in this break in ache.
before i knew it,
an arm wrapped itself around my waist and forced me to the top.
when i inhaled the fresh air,
i realized how deeply my lungs were now burning.
"what the hell, y/n?"
kie exclaimed.
i searched my friends faces and found them covered in worry.
john b was the most visibly distraught;
he was nearly frantic and refused to let go of me.
"what? i thought...i thought i saw something down here,"
i defended,
trying to laugh off the awkwardness now surrounding us.
i couldn't admit to my friends that i'd almost taken to drowning to avoid returning to my sad reality.
everyone climbed back into the boat after the scene and tried to ease themselves off the anxiety they once felt.
i felt horrible.
my insides ached with a guilt i could never escape so long as i stayed in this cruel relationship.
quickly enough,
we were all back to making jokes and giggling as though nothing had happen.
i still felt a lingering stare come from john b.
he knew something was wrong and i didn't think i'd have the heart to lie to him anymore if he asked.
"you guys wanna cruise?"
jj asked as he started the boat up,
receiving an excited nod from everyone.
i looked at the time and sighed heavily.
"can you drop me off? i have to meet my boyfriend."
synchronically,
everyone craned their heads to face me.
their looks were of expectancy,
but i knew i had no other choice.
"just cancel. he'll understand, won't he?"
john b offered.
"no, i can't."
"um...yeah. i'll drop you off,"
jj said with a reassuring smile.
i turned my head away from john b whose eyes were burning holes through me.
i didn't have any fight left in me.
i was exhausted.
***
when the date with my boyfriend was over and i got in the car,
the silence suspended over us and i began to brace myself for something serious.
"i don't like your friends. especially john b,"
he finally spoke up.
times like these,
i hated being right.
"that's not fair. you've never even met them."
"don't need to. they're no good."
"shut up. you don't know anything,"
i said before i could really stop myself.
when the car came to a halt and his eyes of evil drilled into mine,
i felt a rise in fear begin in my stomach and crawl up to my throat.
he reached over and grabbed my wrist so tightly that i knew bruises were beginning to appear.
i winced and whimpered,
"s-stop, that hurts."
i hated how weak i sounded.
i shut my eyes that were brimming with tears as his yells filled the car and echoed inside of my head.
all he ranted on about was my tongue,
and that i should know better by now.
when he threw my wrist back,
i cradled it and watched the swelling begin.
he continued driving without another word,
until the car stopped at the front of my house.
i hurried to leave but he reached for me and said,
"i'm sorry, baby. i didn't mean to do that. you just...you say things that make me so angry."
i didn't bother to turn my head and face him.
i couldn't.
it was too humiliating for me.
"i know. i'm sorry,"
i finally whispered,
feeling another fragment of my self respect chip away.
"okay. i'll see you tomorrow?"
"yeah."
i rushed into my room and slammed the door just as the very first tear fell.
i sank to the floor while the fear i once felt disappeared to be replaced with shame for who i'd become;
someone who tolerated abuse.  
i hugged my body as i sobbed on the floor.
i couldn't make sense of it.
why was i lessening myself,
risking such damage,
for a man who would never change?
what was wrong with me?
i cried harder at the question,
knowing it would never have an answer.
not one that could justify this behavior,
anyways.
as i continued to wallow away in my own self pity,
i felt the familiar vibration begin in my back pocket.
john b was calling.
i quickly sat up and cleared my throat of any hint that i'd been crying and wiped my tears.
"hey, you,"
i said as cheerfully as possible.
"i'm on my way."
"what? why? is everything okay?"
i asked as i rushed to clean my room and make sure i looked presentable.
"i'll be there soon."
before i could ask of some clarification,
i was met with the click of the phone hanging up.
i cursed loudly and began applying as much concealer as i could to my puffy eyes and my longest sleeved shirt to hide my bruised wrist.
i heard a gentle knock at my window,
signaling that john b had arrived.
i noted how quickly it had taken him and i wondered what situation could have called for such urgency.
when he piled into my room,
i noticed how light he was on his toes to not disturb my sleeping parents.
i almost laughed at his grace.
but it all fell as soon as i met his eyes,
clouded with vexation and sorrow.
"what is it?"
i whispered in worry.
john b carefully grabbed my arm and pulled the sleeve back to reveal my bruises.
i didn't have time to react.
"he did this? that son of a bitch puts his hands on you?"
"it's-it's really not what it looks like,"
i explained softly,
feeling the knot swell in my throat.
"the hell do you mean? what happened? why did he think this was okay?"
i'd never seen john b so riled up and angry.
if it wasn't about a situation that affected me directly,
i might've been scared.
"he got mad. i told him to shut up, john b, it was really my fault!"
i was almost on the verge of tears.
i needed him to understand what i couldn't;
maybe he'd make sense of this turmoil inside of me.
"that's not an excuse, y/n. why are you defending him?"
"i don't know,"
i admitted for the first time,
both to myself and to him.
i looked around as the tears began to fall rapidly.
"i don't know. i don't know anything."
john b pulled me into his chest where my sobs could be stifled.
it felt good,
so entirely good,
to be held by someone who cared.
i didn't have to worry about tripping over my words and earning a swift smack to the face,
i didn't have to cower away from him,
all i was left to do was fall limp into his hands and cry.
john b didn't fail for a second to keep me consoled.
he whispered words of security and hope to me and let his hands hold me in the places that once were bruised by the wrong hands.
i could trust him.
"i'm scared, john b. i'm so scared of him,"
i whispered,
my head now tucked in the crook of his neck.
we were lying on my bed,
where he could hold me closer and tighter.
he shook his head then said,
"don't be, y/n. i won't let anything happen to you. he won't ever touch you again."
he ran his fingers down the length of my arm,
where chills would soon rise in response.
"thanks for being here for me."
"always. you are breaking up with him, right?"
i stayed quiet.
i wasn't sure what my next move was gonna be.
as stupid as i sounded,
nothing seemed to be good enough.
"seriously?"
"it's hard, jb."
"it can't be that hard. why would you wanna stay with someone who hurts you?"
"i don't!"
i said in a moment of exasperation.
"i don't want anything to do with him anymore. i'm just...i'm terrified. you don't understand."
i stripped myself from his embrace and sat on the edge of my bed,
resting my throbbing head into my hands.
john b shifted himself to sit next to me,
though he didn't speak at first.
he slowly grabbed my hand,
being sure i was comfortable first,
then tangled our fingers together.
i couldn't stop myself from smiling.
"i don't understand, you're right. i'm sorry. i should be open-minded and gentle with you. you've been through a lot. he angers me, not you. okay?"
i nodded my head in understanding then turned my attention towards him.
he continued speaking,
"i'll break up with him for you. i'll tell him to leave you alone, that you're done, might even get jj to throw a punch or two. who knows? but what i do know is that you don't have to hurt anymore."
john b pressed a kiss to my temple and let it linger there for a moment longer.
i felt my spirits brighten beneath his love and care.
i had gone too long letting this boyfriend of mine spit obscenities at me and treat me like a rag doll.
i didn't deserve any of it,
no matter how often he blamed it on me.
it was never my fault,
and i decided then that i'd had enough.
better late than never,
i suppose.
i wrapped an arm around john b's then laid my tired head against his shoulder.
"no, i'm going to be the one to do it...i have to."
"then i'll be right beside you when it happens."
"how did you even find out he did this?"
"i have my sources, y/n."
he gave me a smile that made mine grow.
"you're too good, john b."
he laid another kiss to my temple then said,
"you deserve some sleep."
he stood up and began to open the window.
i reached out for him,
my body becoming it's own,
and said,
"you're leaving?"
"do you not want me to?"
was my craving for his company not obvious?
i was practically at his feet begging.
"no,"
i said simply.
he closed the window back and joined with me in our previous position;
my head to his chest,
his arms snaked around my waist.
i had never felt so full of warmth,
so comforted by someone who deeply cared.
perhaps this had been a long time coming,
john b and i.
or was i thinking hopefully?
riding this high of ecstasy for as long as it'd last?
when john b whispered goodnight,
all of my doubt were washed away.
john b had shared his strength to which i lacked and i would be forever grateful.
i promised that one day,
i'd make it up to him.
***
i woke up the next morning with john b's arms still wrapped tight around me.
i smiled into my pillow and felt happy for the first time in ages.
a brief moment of peace until i remembered just why he had been here last night,
and then remembered the day i had ahead of me.
i felt my heart sink to the lowest point of my stomach.
"shit,"
i mumbled rather loudly to myself,
which was enough to startle john b.
"you okay?"
"yeah...yeah, i just remembered everything,"
i admitted in a laugh,
staring at the ceiling in sudden disbelief.
all that i wished for was slowly unfolding around me;
i needed to find the courage to push through.
john b and i soon climbed out of the bed together,
where he met me in for a hug.
i hadn't been quite expecting it,
but i was grateful nonetheless.
i felt the warmth of his tanned skin brush against my cheek to create a radiant hum throughout my entire being.
"i'm here."
"you're here,"
i reaffirmed,
noticing how much stronger i already felt.
how strange it seemed that such an embrace could lift me back up again.
"you're going to feel so much better, y/n. you've got this."
i smiled at his vote of confidence before placing a kiss on his cheek and making my way to the restroom,
where i would ready myself for a new beginning.
***
i sat in the car for a minute with john b,
staring blankly at the house before me.
inside,
i knew the boyfriend i currently had right now was doing whatever he did in his free time,
being completely oblivious to the breakup coming,
despite the events leading up to it.
"im scared,"
i admitted in a whisper.
"it'll be over before you know it. i'm right here."
he leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to my cheek for reassurance.
i found all the courage i needed.
with shaky legs,
i walked myself to the front door and knocked only twice.
a small part of me was screaming to go back,
pleading that he didn't answer,
and that i would regret this if i didn't leave now.
but i stood with my feet planted and remembered:
john b's here.
"y/n? this is a surprise."
"we need to talk."
he opened the door wider,
sprouting a sick grin that made me dizzy with nausea.
"come in."
"n-no, thanks. um...i can't...i can't be with you anymore. this is ending, right now."
he stood there in stunned silence,
now sticking his hands in his pockets.
"and why do you think that? is this about last night?"
i began to wring my fingers together in worry. 
"you know why. don't act ignorant. that's it, just...just leave me alone from here on out."
i turned on my feet to join john b in the car again,
but now a liberated woman,
before he grabbed my already hurt wrist yet again.
"i apologized for hurting you-"
"please let me go,"
i pleaded as my voice cracked,
trying to rip my arm away from his grasp.
"and you think you can do this to me? break up with me when i've only ever treated you great?"
"you hit me!"
"because you deserve it!"
he was in my face now,
yelling so loudly that it made my eardrums ring.
i was caught by surprise when john b suddenly appeared and punched the boy before me.
he stumbled to the ground and held his now bleeding nose,
while john b frantically held me.
"are you okay? i'm so sorry it took me that long. i'm sorry."
i didn't say anything.
i couldn't.
my words were drying in my throat.
all i wanted to do was leave and never return.
without a second glance back,
i quickly piled into the passenger seat of the car and listened to the hum of the engine begin.
the car ride was silent,
but john b didn't stop holding my hand and placing small caresses to it the whole way.
when we arrived at the front of my house,
i finally turned to face him.
"thank you..really, thank you. i don't know what would've happened-"
i stopped myself from continuing the thought any further.
the fear would ice my bones all over again and i was on the edge of panic.
"he won't ever come around again, y/n. you're safe. i'll make sure of it until-until i die."
i exhaled a laugh that made my body loosen.
"can you stay again? i don't really want to be by myself,"
i asked.
"of course. anytime you need me, i'm here."
i was beginning to adore those words,
as often as they left his lips.
and i knew they were true which only added onto the appeal i felt.
he was here,
and he always would be.
when we entered my room again,
i tossed him the remote and began changing out of my clothes.
"y/n!"
he chided,
shielding his eyes from my bare skin,
despite the covering by my undergarments. 
i rolled my eyes.
"oh, don't act like you've never seen me in my bathing suit before!"
i slid more comfortable clothes on then climbed into the bed with him,
where he sat with blushing cheeks.
his eyes never moved from the tv screen.
when i laid my head down to his chest like we'd done prior,
he finally felt at ease and laid his palm fall to the small of my back.
"everything-"
"please don't ruin this by talking,"
i whispered,
cutting him off before he could shift the moment.
we shared a laugh and i soon felt the burden of a lifetime become lifted from my shoulders.
i was free,
i was safe,
and i was in the arms of a greater love:
john b.
***
over the course of the next few weeks,
john b and i had gotten closer with each passing day.
as impossible as it might have once seemed,
considering we were already tight friends,
things expanded into a realm of vulnerability i never knew existed.
he had gotten in the habit of staying over and sleeping with his arms wrapped tight around me;
it drew us together at the heart.
but as we laid in this bed one summer night,
quietly giggling so we didn't wake my parents,
he suddenly fell serious and caressed my cheek with the back of his index finger.
"you're absolutely beautiful."
our eyes locked and butterflies filled my body. 
"thank you."
john b pulled me closer than he ever had before,
and our lips finally connected to share a kiss so full of vigor and love,
that our bodies were running rampant with excitement.
when he pulled back to stare down at me,
admiration coating those wondrous eyes of his,
i couldn't help but begin to ask,
"is everything o-"
"don't ruin this by talking,"
he said,
tossing my words back at me for a moments laughter.
john b pulled me in for more and life as i knew it,
was suddenly worth living.