outerbanks imagines.

dreary and terrifying-rafe.

{request for: ememem02 <3}

i've never seen death up close.
the only time i'd ever heard of it was when i skimmed across the newspaper obituaries.
i only ever heard of it when flipping through the news channels,
and i only ever saw it in the tv shows i watched.
it felt like a hoax.
i knew i wasn't immortal or unable to be broken,
i was careful in everything i did,
but death had never been anything i pondered on.
so because i couldn't reach out and feel it slip through my fingers,
i didn't understand the severity of it.
until the veil shielding my eyes to create ignorance was lifted,
and i had crossed to the other side of that line.
death or no death.
and death had finally found its way to my unyielding life.
except it was not me,
the most deserving of this punishment,
who had heard the knock of the grim reaper,
but rafe cameron.
the boy my heart was built for.
my lover.
these are the kind of events that,
when happening,
you remember every painful, heart wrenching detail.
i'd been poolside when i got the call.
"hey, sarah. what's up?"
how insignificant the words felt.
i should've known something was wrong with the weight in my chest that woke me up this morning.
"it's rafe. he's...he-"
she couldn't finish her sentence without bursting into tears.
but she didn't have to,
i could feel it deep in my gut just what happened.
and if i hadn't had sarah on the phone with me,
i might've fallen to my knees and bellowed until my throat was raw.
i swallowed hard and forced my wavering voice to steady,
"oh, sarah, i'll-i'll meet you at the house, do not move. okay? okay?"
"o-okay,"
she cried then hung up.
i suppressed the urge to begin crying myself.
there was too much panic and fear rising from the depths of myself right now.
and when i began driving,
i realized i'd been rather reckless.
i was zoning out,
imagining what could happen or what was happening to rafe right now.
the distance between us felt so incredibly large,
he felt worlds away.
i finally arrived at the cameron house,
barely escaping a car wreck,
then gathered the panicking girl into my arms.
i watched the ambulance drive off ahead,
blaring sirens that sounded eerie to me.
as though they were announcing his untimely death.
but i couldn't think those thoughts,
not now.
sarah's eyes were wide with terror and puffy from all the crying.
"did he overdose, sarah?"
i asked in the lowest whisper.
feeling as if i could make my voice small enough,
it would erase any truth to the question.
she answered by nodding her head.
i felt my knees buckle at the confirmation.
rafe and i had shared every darkest secret that we once thought would turn everyone away.
but we stayed for each other,
accepted it for what it was,
and loved the wound until it was nothing more than a faint scar.
but there had been something rafe was battling on his own.
he braved his own war,
alone...
but i couldn't figure out why.
maybe he felt burdening.
maybe it was in relation to his sobriety and he feared telling anyone would only end in disappointment and anger.
but god,
if he just pulled through i would never feel anything but overwhelming enamor for him.
i took sarah to the hospital along with her sister,
the fearful silence hanging above us.
i searched for the words to uplift and keep them hopeful,
but how could i when my brain was playing it's own tricks on me?
forcing me to see the image of a pale rafe who's lungs would no longer work to whisper,
"i love you, y/n."
who's body i could no longer steal the warmth from.
who's skin i could no longer kiss.
i should say something,
i keep telling myself.
but everything felt insignificant.
how could i heal this wound?
how could i nurse rafe back to health when he was on the edge,
teetering between life and death?
all these thoughts were still prominent when we arrived to the hospital.
we were kept waiting in the waiting room.
the fluorescent lights were harsh against my eyes and made my skin a dull grey,
but i'd just realized how shaky i was.
i wrapped one arm around sarah,
the other around wheezie,
and listened to their fearful cries echo.
sisters longing for the health of their brother.
a lover left distressed.
how cold it was.
i began to mentally curse myself for being so ungrateful.
if maybe i had thanked a higher power more for life and love,
i wouldn't be sitting in these plastic seats,
comforting weeping sisters.
if maybe i had prayed a little harder,
been a better person,
rafe would have never relapsed.
he would've come to me and simply asked for help.
it's easier to blame yourself in these times of panic and anxiety.
hours passed by us before we were finally permitted to see him.
none of us were prepared to see him lying motionless in the bed,
tubes sticking from almost every inch of his body.
his breathing was no longer his own,
instead it was manually done from a machine by his side.
he looked almost sallow in this pale light and it made me want to cry out for him,
beg for him to open those golden eyes and let me love him right this time.
"his condition is...worsening,"
the doctor admitted once i was pried away from sarah and wheezie's embrace.
"this happens often in relapses. the body has rid itself of the substance completely when the user intakes an immense amount, like they're used to, but their body isn't adjusted to it anymore."
i held my shaky fingers to my lips to suppress the urge to wail.
i could feel it clawing at my throat,
begging and pleading to be erupted.
"s-so...what's the plan?"
i asked in the smallest whisper,
afraid that my grief would take over if i spoke any louder.
"we're going to try everything possible to get him back to you guys."
i nodded as he explained the procedures designed for these events,
but my brain was hardly taking in the words.
all i could think was:
is this it?
surely this isn't the end.
it can't be.
rafe had so much to accomplish,
so much to achieve.
this couldn't be the end of his story.
what about his college degree?
he was so close.
what about seeing his sisters graduate?
or marry, even?
what about us?
i once told rafe that i would save up enough money to take us far away from this town where we could finally escape our reputations for a while.
it would be so refreshing.
why hadn't i done that yet?
i'm kicking myself thinking about it.
i should've done it.
i should've forced him to pack his things and taken us far away.
maybe the peace of mind would've saved him and we wouldn't be here now.
maybe it'd be another beautiful memory to look back on,
but i didn't do it.
what else had i failed to do as his significant other?
everything i did felt useless now.
i didn't do enough.
rafe had once asked me to marry him in the midst of a conversation.
abruptly, unprompted, he grabbed my hand and said,
"do you want to marry me?"
i told him someday at the time.
but if he'd come back for us,
come back for himself,
i'd marry him a hundred times over.
"hey, how are you?"
sarah cameron asked while gently placing a hand to my arm.
she held me with such carefulness,
i felt made of glass.
and in a sense,
i was fragile.
as though a breeze could brush through me and i'd become dust.
"i'm handling it as best i can. you?"
"it's hard."
"i know,"
i said with a lump beginning to form in my throat.
i took her into my arms again to try and warm the parts of her that were growing frigid.
"i'm gonna take wheezie home. try and get some sleep. call if anything changes?"
i handed her my keys and nodded.
"i'll call. drive safe."
sarah gave me a smile of appreciation then began walking away when i called out for her.
she stopped with wheezie's shoulder in her palm and waited for my next words.
life felt so brittle all of a sudden.
as if every moment was the last.
i couldn't afford any more regrets,
any more words left unsaid.
sarah and wheezie were like sisters of my own.
i'd watched them grow up beside rafe as his friend,
and then cared for them the same when i became his girlfriend.
"i love you guys."
sarah's bottom lip trembled in cue with wheezie's watering eyes.
"i love you, too."
"we love you, y/n."
the words washed over me and seemed to provide some relief.
and it's then i realize i'm left alone with the love of my life,
who is immobile and on the brink of...
i can't finish the thought.
i trail into the hospital room and feel my throat tighten and the tears rise instantly.
he looks so small,
sinking away into the mattress,
being swallowed by the hospital gown.
i take a seat on the chair provided and begin to reach out for him.
my heart stutters deep in my chest.
his hands are cold,
colder than natural,
to my balmy hands.
it was always the opposite with us;
he would wrap the entirety of his body around mine to warm me.
but here i was now,
holding onto his chilled hand in hopes of warming him awake.
if only it were that simple.
"rafe,"
i whisper in the way only a lover can.
it slips from my tongue,
so familiar and welcoming,
only to reach deaf ears.
he will not answer.
it pains me.
my entire body is throbbing with a grief i never fathomed i could feel;
it's twisting my insides.
i take his cold hand to my forehead and allow the first rising of tears to fall.
"you have to come back, rafe. there's so much left for you to do. this...this isn't nearly the end. please."
i can hear the desperation in my voice.
it would once make me wince,
but now i would beg until my throat was sore.
i would plead on my knees until they bled if it meant rafe was alive and still here.
i look at his lips that are pale and cracked.
i imagine if i strain my eyes hard enough,
i can see the traces of whatever substance landed him here.
like maybe the realization will help me come to a conclusion.
to answer the question of why?
why?
why?
why?
i can't help but let a sob escape from my lips.
it's tearing my into two to see him like this,
so vulnerable and defenseless.
i wish i could take him in my arms,
take half of his hurt,
and just nurture him into opening his eyes.
"i can't do this without you, rafe,"
i finally admit in a single breath.
it sounds selfish,
but who am i without the other half of my soul?
i'm dull,
i'll become nothingness.
i take rafe's hand and turn it to see his wrist.
i place a kiss there,
the softest, most tender, part of him that i always kiss to reassure him.
if there's a part of him still fighting,
i pray he feels my lips there.
and i pray he finds strength to come back.
"please come back."
***
it's been nearly a week now.
my hair hangs in thin strands,
my skin is somber,
and the ache has only intensified.
with each passing hour is another hour i worry he won't ever open his eyes again.
i can't stomach the possibility.
i have to hold on to the hope that i'll see his beautiful eyes that glisten when locked with mine.
"are you hungry?"
sarah asks with a hand to my shoulder.
our expressions mirror each other's,
with darkened eyes and our lips pulled grimly.
"no, i'm okay. thank you."
"you have to eat eventually, y/n."
i nod.
"i know."
i've seemed to shed a few pounds in this last week.
my skin hangs from my bones in a matter that looks unnatural because,
in a sense,
it is unnatural.
and if i'm being completely honest,
i've been punishing myself.
why is it that i should enjoy a meal when rafe has to suffer?
what if he never eats again?
i vowed that i wouldn't either.
i've forced myself to swallow saltine crackers in order to keep me from fainting,
but that's all i'll allow myself.
"you know this isn't your fault, right?"
it was like sarah had read my mind.
or maybe the guilt was painted onto my face in muted colors.
"i should've been better,"
i admit aloud for the first time.
sarah wraps her arms around me,
careful not to awaken a sleeping wheezie beside me,
and there,
the dam breaks.
i begin to quietly cry into her chest,
feeling all the worry, panic, and regret pour from my hollowed chest.
sarah rubs her hands up and down my back in the same way rafe once did to comfort me. 
it's brings some solace but it breaks my heart a little.
it's so similar to rafe's embrace but still completely different.
what if i never get to feel the loving, familiar touch of rafe again?
this makes me hiccup.
"before he...collapsed, he-he said he loved you. "tell y/n i love her. it's my fault." i didn't get it at first. i especially didn't think about it when he..he fell to the ground. but now...i don't think he'd want you beating yourself up, y/n."
"i just wish he would've come to me. was he scared that i'd-i'd judge him or something?"
sarah cast a faraway look towards rafe.
"he's always had his secrets. but...i think he was changing for you, with you, and it scared him. made him scared to mess it all up."
i run a hand of frustration down my face at her words.
i hated how right she was.
"i never meant to put that much pressure on him,"
i whisper into my trembling hands.
"you didn't. you know you didn't. he put it on himself."
sarah always had a habit of becoming angry when her sadness ran deep.
so i stifled my crying to wrap my arms around her.
she stood still in my embrace before wheezie woke up beside me.
i wrapped my other arm around her and brought her to my chest.
what a twisted sight this was.
***
"is he not getting any better?"
i ask with a shaky voice.
before the doctor answers,
he presses his lips together and looks at the information in his hands.
it's unsettling knowing the complexity of a human life,
rafe's life,
lies in typed words on paper to be held on his clipboard.
"no, he's not,"
he answers bluntly.
"he should be. by now, the patients are usually awake. but...he doesn't seem to be fighting."
"s-so, what do we do?"
the doctor,
who has been a family friend for so long,
who has picked me up with scraped knees as a child and delivered me to health,
lays a hand to my shoulder and utters the news i could hit him for.
"you all need to decide whether or not you want to keep him on life support."
the urge to cock my hand back and allow it to collide with his jaw is strong.
but i allow my shaky hands to stay still beside me.
i don't say anything before walking away and back into the room.
sarah and wheezie are still at home,
considering it's four am,
which leaves me to sit in writhing pain beside rafe.
a rafe who has fought for so long and has given up right at the finish line.
i lay my head onto his chest carefully,
much like we used to do,
and it twists my insides into many knots when i realize i can't hear his heartbeat anymore.
the grief ripples through my body and i suddenly can't fight it anymore.
i wail into his chest,
wetting the hospital gown he's wearing,
and i beg for him to come back.
i pray to the god who has struck us with this curse.
i pray they bring him back to us.
i pray they give him the last bit of fight left because i can't imagine a life without him.
i've tried so hard these past few days to be strong for him,
to blame myself in hopes he'll blink those eyes open again,
but i've been stumped.
this is not my fight.
it's rafe's.
how am i expected to encourage him awake again if i'm on the other side,
suddenly so far away from him?
my body is convulsing with sobs but i can not stop them.
they're spilling from me with a speed i've never been forced to recognize,
and i'm choking on them.
"please, rafe, you can't leave. i'm-i'm sorry,"
i sob out.
"i'm sorry i freaked you out. you..you could've never messed up, rafe, never. i love you too much to let you go. please don't make me let you go."
my head is throbbing along with an aching heart.
they seem to match in pulse.
i pull away as my throat begins to swell and i'm wiping my tears away.
a part of me is holding onto this hope that rafe will have heard my sort of breakdown and come back to tell me he'll stay to fight.
he'll open his eyes and never close them for this long again.
but i'm left disappointed again.
it makes my stomach turn.
i can't stop myself from upheaving all the contents,
if there are any,
left in my stomach and into the toilet.
i'm pale and shaken at the thought of having to move on.
how will i live a fulfilling life growing around this agony?
it's beginning to feel like a nightmare i can't wake up from.
my hope has been shattered time and time again.
i don't have it in me to fight anymore.
as much as i want to,
i'm terrified.
i want to hide away in a corner and never come out,
never have to face the inevitable.
is this how rafe felt moments before collapsing,
i wonder?
terrified of the cruel world and the disappointment that followed?
scared by my possible refusal in his cry for help?
i couldn't think of it any longer without collapsing into another heave of sobs that echoed in the bathroom.
i couldn't quiet myself.
this torment was burying a hole in my heart,
aching with every new movement,
and i couldn't stop from crying out.
let anyone who hears, hear.
what did i care?
i went too long caring about the trivial and now look at me.
it didn't change a thing.
i'm still hollow and colored in the dull colors of anguish.
after what feels like a few hours,
but i'm sure is only thirty minutes,
i pick myself back up and shuffle towards the room rafe is in.
time seems to inch by me these days.
my legs are weak and hardly able to keep me up.
i fear i'll fall over soon.
i stop one of the nurses and give her a weak smile as i ask for some toiletries to rid myself of the bile sitting in the back of my throat.
i'm sure she sees this kind of sorrowful look on others all the time,
maybe sometimes it's greater than mine.
i can't imagine feeling worse than i already do.
when she returns,
i thank her and return to the bathroom sink.
i refuse to look at myself in the mirror.
i've become unrecognizable.
then i'm finally on the edge of entering his room again when i fear i won't be able to.
what if i go in and it will be the last time?
the idea is too much.
"finally! there are you!"
the doctor approaches me with wide, animated eyes.
my heart sinks.
"w-what? what happened?"
"rafe. he's awake."
is this relief or deliverance?
i almost fall to my knees in feeling this burden and fear lift free from my shoulders,
but the doctor catches me before i hit the ground.
"are you feeling okay?"
he asks.
but i don't answer.
i force myself away from his caring grasp and enter the room where rafe is sitting up,
allowing for the water in his cup to travel down his surely raw throat.
a cry escapes from my lips,
so i hurry to cover it with my hand in hopes of indulging in this moment a bit longer.
i watch the way his adam's apple moves as he swallows,
i watch the slow, tired blinks of his eyes,
i notice the curve of his fingers around the cup.
it's euphoria in its rawest state.
he notices my standing there then turns slowly,
expecting maybe a nurse,
but finds me instead.
i hold my breath.
i'm frozen solid in my spot.
what if this is what it took for rafe to realize our relationship is too much pressure for him?
i won't move unless he allows me to do so.
i watch in sympathy while his eyes fill with tears and he speaks with a raspy voice,
"oh, y/n...my y/n, i'm so sorry."
he opens his arms for me and i rush to fall into them.
he runs his hands up and down my back in that comforting way and i shiver.
"don't apologize. please don't apologize ever again,"
i whisper into his chest.
"i'm sorry, rafe. i'm so sorry. i didn't-i didn't mean to overwhelm you."
the breath is being caught in my throat as i hurry to say all the things that have been mulling over in my mind.
rafe stops me by holding my head close to his chest.
i can hear his heartbeat,
loud and clear,
like it always used to be.
i cry a little harder at his song of life.
"don't. it's not your fault. okay? i was so stupid. i'm sorry."
i look up at him and realize we both failed in small parts of our relationship.
it takes two.
instead of allowing one or the other to take the entirety of the blame,
i take his warming hand and say,
"i forgive you."
and it seems to be what he needed.
he leans his head back against his pillow and breathes in deep.
i watch his chest fill with air then deflate with the exhale of it.
"just promise me, rafe, swear that it'll never happen again. and...and you'll come to me, no matter how bad things may seem."
he gathers both of my hands into his and brings them to his lips.
"i promise. i promise a hundred times over."
i smile despite my eyes beginning to well over with tears.
"and i'm sorry. i'm sorry i put too much pressure on you. neither of us are perfect. i can't pretend to be anymore."
he starts to interject,
to ebb away any responsibility i may shoulder,
but he stops short when he realizes the same epiphany i had just minutes prior.
"okay. i forgive you."
"i love you, rafe."
rafe lays a gentle kiss to my wrist then returns the saying.
"i love you, y/n. thank you for saving me. in...in more ways than one."
i won't ask what he means by that.
i don't want to revisit his almost death.
i hug him tightly and for a while,
soaking in his presence that is fully there and attentive,
before i call sarah and wheezie.
it'll be a while before we have a moment alone again.
but i'm okay with that.
rafe should be with his family,
he should celebrate all that life has to offer.
i know that this experience has opened my eyes.
whatever we do,
i know we'll do together.
i say a silent prayer in my mind for the gods that heard me,
whichever one it may be.
i'm eternally grateful for his awakening,
and i hope to never have to question it again.
***
"wake up, i made breakfast."
rafe is hovering over me while i slowly wake up to begin the day.
i smile at his singsong voice and the glimmer of his lively eyes.
"just a few more minutes."
i wrap my arms around his neck and feel him fall on top of me.
it's been a while since that day in the hospital.
i don't remember the date,
i was too out of it to,
but i know it's been several months.
and everyday since has been greater,
full of a greater love,
and a gratefulness one can only acquire from seeing such a sight.
rafe kisses my collarbone,
then my jawline,
my cheek,
the corners of my mouth,
and then finally places a kiss to the center of my lips. 
i giggle at this then run a hand through his wild hair.
"you're up early this morning."
"how could i not be?"
he begins with an adoring smile,
using the pad of his thumb to caress my cheek.
"you snore really loud. i couldn't possibly sleep through that."
i roll my eyes playfully then try to push him away,
though he hardly budges.
the both of us erupt into soft laughter that seems to intensify when colliding as one.
and though his smile is still evident,
i can see the seriousness growing in his eyes.
"before the...accident, i was scared all the time, y/n. felt like i was waiting to fall off the edge. i can't believe i did that to you, to my sisters. i'll never stop being sorry. but...i feel different now. i know, for certain, that you are where my life is. wherever you go, i want to be there beside you. i know i want to see sarah and wheezie graduate, go to college, get careers, maybe even fall in love. i want to love you forever, without pause."
i mold my hands around his cheeks and give a soft smile.
"you can do all that you want and more. you're here. you will always be here."
"i will. i'll be here with you,"
he says while leaning forward to kiss me just one more time.
i let the bliss overcome me.
"i love you."
"as i love you, y/n."
after holding each other for a bit longer,
appreciating the life we have left,
we crawl out of bed to wake sarah and wheezie up for breakfast.
and when we're sitting at the table,
loud with laughter and talking over one another,
i soak in this moment.
it once used to be dreary and terrifying,
but i haven't felt that way since.
i hope this lasts.
i've begun to appreciate the small things in life.
like the smile wheezie wears,
the snort sarah will exhale when laughing too hard,
rafe's gentle existence.
he's no longer rough around the edges,
only loving and living.
it's a beautiful sight.
i burn this memory before me and feel it store itself in my mind for years to come.
"well? i'm not that bad of a cook,"
rafe teases once he realizes i'm staring at him.
he picks up a piece of food and taps it against my lips until i open my mouth for him.
the girls groan in disgust which makes rafe and i double over in laughter.
he doesn't say anything about my glossy look,
especially not in front of his sisters,
so he holds my knee beneath the table to recognize it and say without moving his lips,
"i know. this is paradise. thank you."