outerbanks imagines.

affairs-jj (pt2)

"what are you doing? that's so wrong."
"is it? it looks right to me,"
i say with a shrug.
jj is leaning against the headboard of his bed,
one arm tucked beneath his head and the other lying on his chest.
i'm currently standing in his room well past two a.m,
trying on his clothes for nothing more than our entertainment.
he throws a pillow at me to quit,
but i only laugh at him.
we're in our own world of ecstasy;
a bubble of bliss where the world can no longer intrude.
where the harsh facts of our relationship are no longer a cruel reminder.
"what? you don't like it?"
i ask with a teasing smile,
climbing to straddle his waist.
"i don't think you've ever looked this good."
jj pulls on the strings of his hoodie to draw me close enough for a kiss.
i laugh against his lips which earns the same reaction from him.
with his hand resting against my lower back like it once did at that party so long ago,
he stares at me with a look of admiration i've never been so blessed to see until now.
i just wish i were able to see it away from these cursed pretenses;
secret meetings,
hidden texts,
lies.
"let's go out,"
he offers with a soft stroke to my cheek with the back of his fingers.
i smile beneath his touch.
"where to?"
"i don't know. let's just drive."
i allow him to take me by the hand and whisk me away into the same car that sparked our very first meeting.
the windows are down and the wind is circling through my skin,
whistling in my ears,
reminding me that i exist after all.
and when i feel jj's hand lace with mine,
i'm reminded that i exist with him;
i exist for him.
this revelation makes my heart pound and my adrenaline rush.
i deserve a grander life with jj by my side.
we could do it,
i know it.
despite our upbringings,
we'd make everything right.
when we're stopped at what's considered to be the highest point of the city,
he turns the car off and turns his attention towards me.
i can do nothing but melt beneath his glowing eyes and smile.
"you've got such pretty eyes,"
i tell him a whisper of amazement.
he laughs and tugs a strand of my hair jokingly.
"thank you."
jj rests his head against the headrest and beams at me.
"why are you staring at me like that?"
"because you're a sight i'll never get used to, ms sunshine."
jj leans across the console and brings me closer to his lips by the pull of his index finger beneath my chin.
i knew that with him,
wherever he went i would follow.
i just wish someone had reminded me:
you lose them how you win them.
***
jj wakes me up this morning with a pinch to my side.
i jolt and stare at him with wide eyes,
wondering what possessed him to wake me so violently.
he laughs at my expression then smooths my hair back.
"ticklish, i see."
"shut up. you're awful,"
i say through my snicker,
pulling him closer to lay on him.
i look up to see his eyes pooling with an enamor that is so new.
i love it in its entirety.
before i can ask why he's staring at me so lovingly,
my phone begins to vibrate in my back pocket.
jj jokingly grabs it before i can but only to be met with the words
"nick <3"
sprawled across the screen.
i feel guilty all over again.
"oh,"
he says without any indifference,
then passes me my phone.
but i can see the tremors in his fingers;
he's angry.
"you can't be mad. this is what we...we practically signed up for,"
i whisper in a weak defense.
he only nods.
i hurry to exit the house and answer.
i'm standing on jj's front porch with shaky legs and an ache in my chest.
"hey, nick."
"hey! what's up?"
i force down the urge to cry.
"not much. just with sarah cameron. you?"
"just getting ready for work. man, i'm exhausted...i miss you."
i weakly smile while my eyes are quickly filling up.
"i miss you too, nick."
my voice cracks when i say his name,
reminding me of who i'm hurting in this selfish life.
"don't cry, babe. i'll be home before you know it."
i know and that's what hurts the most.
"can't wait,"
i force myself to say.
"i'm almost there. talk to you later, yeah?"
"yeah."
"i love you."
my fists are in balls at my side.
"i love you too."
i hope it doesn't sound as hollow as it feels coming from my mouth.
when we hang up,
i'm overcome with anger towards myself.
i should end it.
i should have ended it way before now.
then much like the selfish skeleton i've become,
i began to worry about what would happen with jj.
perhaps this romance we've created only survives on the hidden secrets we keep.
the thought makes my head pound and i need to sit down quickly.
i sit on the porch step before me and inhale deeply.
with it,
comes the cold truth.
i haven't loved nick in a while.
i've stayed by his side in fear of being lonely and by some pressure from my mother.
i'm sure that if i tried though,
i could rekindle that love with him.
and jj could be well on his way back to his girlfriend.
we'd return to our normal lives,
pretending as though our bodies hadn't experienced something otherworldly.
i hear him before i realize he's sitting himself him next to me.
his eyes are glued to me and i can not stop myself from letting my own lock with his.
his grim look mirrors mine.
"are you mad?"
i ask innocently.
jj shakes his head and i see the softening of his eyes that makes my eyes water all over again.
"i'm not mad at you, y/n. i could never be."
he looks out towards the sky that's turning dark and grey,
matching the color of my mood.
i don't realize that tears have fallen down my cheeks until jj wipes them away and breathes,
"come here."
he opens his arms and i succumb.
there is no returning back to what we thought was normal.
this will forever haunt us.
***
jj and i were at the party together,
though we were on opposite ends of the crowd.
i could feel his eyes baring through me with each passing second and i feared he would get himself caught if he didn't stop.
but i found myself searching for him and watching him from afar too.
and when his girlfriend,
whom he rightfully belonged to,
wrapped her tanned arms around his neck and brought him in for a kiss,
i felt my entire body go hot.
i was burning with an intense jealousy i never know i could harbor.
perhaps this is what he felt that very night nick called.
a jealousy for the love we have but cannot expose.
it's horrible,
it hurts,
and it's so wrong.
but we refuse to do anything about it for the sake of our sanity in one another.
he catches my eye after they break apart and i hurry to turn away.
i don't know why i'm so ashamed to have seen it.
it felt like an intrusion on the relationship i've already tarnished.
but jj walks through the crowd and brushes my hand as he passes,
reminding me that in hidden rooms,
he is mine.
the reminder makes my breathing hitch.
i'm left behind again to wonder why jj and i haven't ended things with our current partners.
perhaps we're worried our love in the freedom won't last.
or maybe we know we're no good together,
only meant to create a mess out of things.
i then get a text from him,
saying,