outerbanks imagines.

writing letters-rafe

all my life,
love had proven time and time again to be false.
it was something you saw only in the most exaggerated movies.
a prime example?
the romantic films rose wastes her time watching.
the boy always falls for the girl,
they break up,
but suddenly life is perfect and works out for everyone in the end!
but let's face reality:
love is about settling.
love is choosing one person you can tolerate and sticking with them because you'll never find it anywhere else.
love is compromise.
you compromise half of yourself,
your equities,
your wealth,
to be met with half-assed "faithfulness" and "care."
i've seen it all my life,
i know this for certain.
i'd explained it to her once.
and i thought she understood.
but y/n l/n,
the strong headed girl she is,
didn't seem to grasp it as well as i thought.
while dating for six months,
i restrained my enamor for her in hopes that it didn't inflate to something uncontrollable and i was able to steady our relationship.
but it seemed that wasn't enough for her.
when she broke it off with me,
i remember staring at her in confusion.
"but why?"
i had asked.
she sighed deeply,
like she often did when frustrated,
and said,
"because, rafe, i'm begging you to love me when i shouldn't have to."
"i do love you,"
i defended.
it was true,
i did.
but how could i explain to her that the love she sought for simply existed in storybooks?
i could never give that to her.
"i don't know, maybe you do. but you don't show it. i just feel like...like someone you get to have on your arm. i don't feel loved by you."
"why? because i don't buy you flowers? i-i fixed up your car for you!"
y/n crossed her arms.
"and i appreciate it. but you only did that because you felt obligated, rafe. be honest. you've got this mindset of having to be miserable in your relationships and i thought i could show you differently but i can't. i can't lessen myself anymore to please you."
before i could speak another defending word,
she gave my cheek a departing kiss and left me behind.
i knew breakups were meant to be painful,
but this only left me confused.
i couldn't grasp the concept of being able to show her love.
it didn't make sense to me.
i had all of this planned out before me,
and suddenly it was gone.
y/n and i would go to college together,
later get married,
maybe have a few kids if we're lucky,
and spend the rest of our lives in a silent contentment.
what was wrong with that?
plenty of people did it,
and plenty of people loved it!
so why couldn't she?
y/n had an idea of a grander life and i later realized this at the next party i attended.
it was odd showing up without her.
i hadn't realized how comfortable i was with her company until i was left without it now.
when i saw her for the first time since that day,
she was lounging in the arms of some guy i'd never seen before now.
it repulses me to see how his hands linger on you.
it isn't right.
they look so foreign against your skin.
they don't belong there!
and surely you know this too.
i'm begging you, y/n.
realize how wrong this sight is.
my thoughts were pounding against my skull.
i wasn't jealous that y/n had moved on.
but i was jealous that whoever this guy was could love her in the way she wanted.
whereas i?
i wouldn't be able to.
when she caught my eye,
i felt a stutter echo inside my chest that nearly hurt.
it worsened when she walked up to stand in front of me.
"hey,"
y/n said with an awkward smile,
trying to be as cordial as possible.
"how are you?"
"good! good...you?"
"i'm fine, yeah."
the silence lingered upon us.
i wanted to reach out and scream that i'm sorry,
that i miss you,
that i love you,
but i shook the thoughts away.
these entrapped feelings were beginning to gain a hold of me.
and what would i do then?
so instead,
i asked,
"new boyfriend?"
"who? him? oh, no. god no."
she laughed at this then quickly recomposed herself.
"uh, just a friend. my cousins friend, actually."
so that's why i'd never seen him before.
"oh, okay. nice."
"yeah...well, it was good seeing you again. you look good, rafe. take care."
"you, too."
when she left me behind for the second time,
bouncing away with the cousins friend behind her,
i felt a pang of sadness hit my heart.
i was empty and cold without her company.
i nearly cursed at the feeling.
i wanted to call out y/n's name to have her return;
surely her presence could ease this ache in my chest.
but suddenly she was gone again.
what the hell is happening to me?
***
god, y/n.
i don't think i can be confused any longer.
i don't understand this emotional turmoil stirring inside of me,
i don't understand what she sees in him,
i don't understand anything anymore.