outerbanks imagines.

no more goodbyes-kie.

life after high school was a thought i once feared.
thinking of being anything more than a student made my stomach tighten with anxiety and my heart skip several beats;
i thought it'd last forever.
but like all good things,
it came to an end.
i graduated alongside my best friends and reluctantly headed off to college where i'd study for a career.
i was the first in my family to do so.
and though i promised through tears of longing to stay in touch with my pogue friends,
i fell through.
i made new friends and suddenly forgot about my life in the outerbanks.
that belonged to a younger y/n,
a girl who found comfort in the chaos of the island.
i'm reserved for calmer things now,
like studying in the cafe where aromas of perfected coffee soothe my brain,
or basking in the sun that shines on such early mornings as i walk to class.
my life has become serious now.
i hardly visit home,
and i find that it sometimes pains me to realize this.
i spend all my days giggling with people i've just met,
creating this new wondrous life,
until night dawns upon me and i remember where i come from.
i remember the people who built me from scratch and made me into the person i am in this very moment.
tonight is no different.
i'm wide awake and paralyzed at the idea of my abandonment.
i'm the worlds worst friend.
i turn on my side to find the phone charging beside me and,
despite the time,
type a quick text to the groupchat that's been dusting over for weeks now.

"hey guys!
i'm so sorry for not checking in frequently.
been so busy with midterms and whatnot
i hope you're all well
i miss you <3"

it's no surprise that jj's text is the first to roll in.
ever since i've known him,
he's never slept earlier than one am.

"college girl!!
obx is feeling your absence
when are you coming to visit?"

i don't reply.
i hurry to plug my phone back in and force myself asleep.
i have class in the morning.
i'll figure it out then.
***
except i have no time to figure it out.
i'm awoken before my alarm sets off by the sound of my phone ringing.
someone is calling.
i expect to hear my roommate on the other end,
asking to be let inside,
but instead am met with the voice of sweet serenity.  "you're coming to visit?!"
"kie? wh-what?"
"i saw your texts just now and jj said you're planning to visit?"
how did he manage to think that out of my one simple text?
i push these thoughts aside and say,
"oh..um..yeah, yeah. i'll be down eventually."
"i looked online and it says you're out for spring break next week! is it then? oh, please say you're coming back soon."
i've lost the battle i never wanted to fight.
how could i break kind kie's heart by admitting i don't want to return?
that our hometown feels much too suffocating now?
but i have to admit,
i long for her in the same way.
"yep. i'll be there bright and early the day i get out."
kie let's out a cry of joy that's impossible not to smile at.
"oh, my gosh! i'm so excited, y/n, seriously. it's been forever. or so it feels like, anyways."
the end of her sentence is drenched in a sorrow that follows my leaving.
it pains me to know this is what i've done to my best friend.
"i'm sorry, kie. i miss you."
"i miss you too. we'll have a great time, okay?"
"okay. see you soon."
we hang up soon after that.
and though there's a flutter in my chest arising at the sound of kie's voice that i've missed dearly,
i find dread settling inside too.
i'm scared to be sucked back into small town life.
i'm scared i'll never make it out alive.
***
i'm hardly off the plane before i'm engulfed into arms.
kie brings me close and doesn't show any signs of letting loose.
i'm glad for it.
i can't believe i've put off coming home for so long.
especially now that i'm in the arms of the girl who's become so important in my life.
her shampooed hair sends waves of floral scent to gather in my lungs where i'll store it forever to keep her in mind.
"oh, i'm so glad you're home,"
kie says between tears.
i pull back and wipe them from her cheeks with my sleeves,
giggling despite my own tears arising.
"stop! you're making me cry!"
"i'm sorry! i just, ugh, i've missed you."
i bring her in for another hug then say,
"i know. i've missed you too."
kie and i don't break apart for a while longer.
we're soaking up all that we feared was loss,
but is being proven to never have been stronger.
then finally,
she takes my arms into her hands and says,
"come on, let's get some food. i know you're starving."
"ugh, you know me so well."
"don't i?"
she says with a smile my way.
i give myself a second to capture this moment of a smiling, bright eyed kie who has never looked happier.
i burn it into my memory and save it for another time.
by the time we're loaded into the car,
it feels as though no time has passed us.
i'm the younger version of myself,
suntanned and ready for adventure,
sitting in the car with my best friend while we sing lyrics from the top of our lungs.
i begin to wonder why i ever left.
this cheer carries us all the way to the restaurant owned by kie's parents,
also my favorite restaurant ever.
there is no place in this world that beats the homeliness of the wreck.
you can taste every bit of the welcoming and love they harbor into the food they create.
"you're drooling already,"
kie teases as she parks the car.
"i've been surviving off of frozen foods for months now, kiara."
she makes a fake look of horror and claims,
"no! frozen food?"
i giggle at her antics but nod in reply.
"the most frozen of frozen foods."
"poor y/n. giving you freezer-burned foods instead of a hot, home cooked meal."
she shakes her head and feigns a frown.
"college is cruel."
"good thing you're home then."
the words wash me in security.
along with her softened eyes that are locked with mine,
i begin to plan a life right back in the center of my hometown.
a life where kie and i will never be forced apart again.
warmth blossoms in my chest at the idea.
i want nothing more than to take her hands into mine and share this feeling of joy with her.
though if i had to guess,
i'd say she's feeling it just the same as i am.
i can see it the upturned corners of her ruby lips.
"well? are you ready for some real food?"
"i don't think i've ever been so ready,"
i reply.
she laughs while climbing out of the car and we meet again at the head of it.
she wraps her arm around mine and lays her head to my shoulder while we make way to the opened doors of the wreck.
"please don't hate me,"
she says as we enter.
"what? why would i hate you?"
but my question is answered as i'm met with the full force of the hometown i left,
all gathered in this restaurant to celebrate my temporary return.
"surprise!"
they all cheer in unison.
it's loud enough that i wince away,
but i'm much too excited to be as welcomed as i am.
i have to swallow the knot forming in my throat.
all the people responsible for my upbringing are sitting in one room,
tossing laughs and sharing drinks with each other,
unaware of their roles in my life.
all they know is of their love and care for me,
so here they sit in my honor.
i'm frozen,
feeling swirls of guilt entwined with this cheer.
"are you okay? i know you hate surprises-"
"i love it, kie. you got everyone together."
i often forget kie was there with me during these times of my life.
i look back and hardly remember them myself,
yet kie has sheltered these memories.
i want to take her in my arms and never let go.
i want to lose myself in the vastness of her embrace,
to nestle my head against her silk skin,
to cherish her in all the ways she deserves to be.
but i suppress these urges and give her a wide smile to which she returns.
we eventually lose each other in the sea of people.
i find myself being thrown into one conversation after the other,
catching up with adults who are wildly interested in my college life.
though i find they're rather disappointed when i tell them i've stayed a strictly studious student.
they tilt their head in inquiry,
wondering if i'm the same y/n they've always know.
if some doppelgänger has come to this party instead.
the y/n l/n they know never turns down a party,
yet this one before them is saying just that?
i'm tied between two worlds:
this one in which my greatest friends live in,
and the one miles away where i am someone new by creation.
where do i belong?
i don't know and i start to think i'll never have the answer until i feel a hand place itself on mine.
who else could it be?
there's nobody that i've ever known who possesses such tranquility in a simple touch.
i find refuge in her eyes.
this is where i belong,
with kie.
wherever she may go,
i will follow.
"how are you feeling?"
i let out a rush of breath.
despite my existential crises,
i'm full on food and content with social interaction forever.
"i'm okay. you?"
"i'm okay, too."
her eyes tell a different story and i know they mirror mine.
"do you want to leave?"
"y/n l/n, you're leaving your own party early?"
"i'm jet lagged and in desperate need of alone time with my best friends,"
i defend as though it's the most simple thing ever.
kie's lips turn into a gentle grin as she laughs.
we're headed out of the door before i can mumble any goodbyes.
our arrival at the chateau is greatly anticipated and i feel myself become free of the lingering anxieties because no harm can reach me here.
i am with the people who have seen me in my most vulnerable moments,
people who have watched me grow up and out.
this is my family away from home.
"i can't believe it. fancy college girl has come home!"
"do you ever get tired of yourself?"
i ask jj in a tone of bemusement.
despite our playful antics,
we hurriedly embrace each other in welcoming.
jj has been my brother for as long as my memory will take me.
he picked me up with scraped knees,
he lectured me about getting arrested while sitting in the same holding cell as me,
he's scared away boys with ill intentions,
and has showered me in fraternal care i might never find elsewhere.
"thought we lost you to the big money folk."
"they almost had me, jj, almost."
"yeah?"
he mocks while giving my shoulder a punch.
"was it their weed? it's not any good, is it?"
"the worst,"
i answer with the shake of my head.
we fall into small laughter at this.
when i enter the house alongside jj and kie,
i see john b stringing a sign up that says,
"welcome back!"
in brightened letters.
"dammit, jj, you were supposed to keep her out there for a little longer!"
"do her balloons go here?"
pope asks as he runs into the room,
unaware of our presence.
"oh...dammit, jj!"
"hey! she, like, barreled past me to come inside!"
jj justifies with his hands raised in surrender.
"you're an awful liar."
kie gives him a shove after her words.
i soak this in.
this is what our friendship has consisted of after so many years and it fills me to the brim with relief to see nothing about it has changed,
not even in the slightest.
"well, surprise,"
john b says with a shrug,
though his smile of welcoming is wide.
he greets me in for a hug that's accompanied by pope,
then jj,
then finally kie.
she squeezes in right beside me and wraps an arm around my waist.
i wonder if she can feel the racing in my heart by her touch.
how it responds to her because i am hers for eternity.
wait...
what was that?
i've never felt the full force of these thoughts and now i'm confused.
of course i harbor love for kie,
who doesn't in this town?
in this group?
but i've never questioned how deep it runs.
when i turn to face her,
still deep into this group hug,
i find she's already staring at me,
waiting for our eyes to meet.
i can't help but feel grounded,
like i am exactly where i'm meant to be.
i know now with certainty that i am in love with kiara carrera.
"are you okay?"
she asks when everyone pulls away to begin the real celebration.
i smile at her and nod.
"i've never been better."
and it's true.
my revelation has made all the things confusing in my head clear now.
i've gained some clarity.
"okay,"
she begins singing with a laugh.
"do you want a drink?"
"it's like you read my mind,"
i say through a slight gasp.
she giggles at this,
that lovely, so perfect giggle that i strive to hear with every joke i make,
and we make way into the eye of the party.
throughout the night,
i'm absentminded in my conversations.
i don't mean to be nor is it anything personal,
but i am much distracted by my admission of enamor.
i wonder if telling kie would be the right way to go about this.
or is our friendship too important for such confessions?
i'm at a crossroads here.
but i think if i let our eyes lock just once more,
i'll have my answer.
in those deep, warm eyes of hers,
i will peer into her so bright soul and know what to
do.
i look up to find her and see her giggling with jj.
this is no new sight,
i've seen kie laugh many times by jj's influence.
but this...
it's the kind of giggle i once assumed was reserved for my hearing.
it's loud,
bringing attention to her divine smile,
and...
flirty?
is she flirting with him?
"god, jj, you're a mess,"
she says breathlessly,
while pink covers hers sun kissed cheeks and even kisses the tip of her nose.
how could i have overlooked this?
i'm looking through the cracks in my memory and i see it,
clear as day.
and god,
is it painful.
how could i have missed this?
overlooked the very most important detail to bloom from this group?
i suppose it makes the most sense,
jj and kie.
i've seen the longing looks shared between them,
the way she holds onto him in quiet moments,
her starlit smile in his presence.
i feel the weight of all this unrequited love now.
what am i meant to do but to pine for a woman who will never know?
and then she looks up at me.
unknowing, unaware, oblivious kie.
our eyes lock but i can't find my answer.
i'm clouded over with doubt and can't see past it to ask the question begging for an answer.
"can't be fun, can it?"
i turn my head to see john b who's sitting beside me now.
i notice a fading sunburn against his nose,
spreading all the way to his cheeks.
it brings out his freckles.
"what do you mean?"
"i mean college. it can't be fun, right? since you're not partying anymore."
i shrug and stare at the drink in my hand.
it's hardly been touched.
"how'd you find that out?"
"well, every text we got from you was either about studying or being busy with the work they gave you. and you're no liar, so...two and two together,"
he explains without a drop of judgement.
it surprises me how much i miss that.
"damn. you're observant, huh?"
john b laughs.
"i've been called many things, y/n. don't know if observant has ever been one of 'em."
"there's a first for everything,"
i say as i turn my head back to where kie rests.
she's still looking at me,
and i see something in her eyes.
they're glossed over,
almost sad.
i can see them being pulled down by some external influence.
what did jj say to you?
"college is fine, though. everything i expected."
though i am speaking to john b,
i haven't taken my sights off kie.
but she has and is now back to conversing with jj.
"really? pope seems to think you've found a boyfriend and that's why you haven't been coming around as much."
i turn to see pope on the other side of john b with wide eyes.
"it was just a theory!"
i bury my face into my hands with a laugh.
"no, no. no boyfriend. just the books, honest to god."
"you're, like, a totally different person there,"
pope says with a voice of amazement.
"i know. gotta save all my partying and fun for you guys, duh."
pope and john b exhale chuckles at this,
but their curiosity is still easily seen.
i hope they don't ask because i don't have the answer,
i'm just as confused as them in the grand scheme of things.
the night continues on and i realize i've spent the greater half of my time with john b.
it isn't until i hear kie call my name that our conversation ends.
"you okay?"
i ask her when i find her in the bedroom,
leaning out of the window for fresh air.
"perfect. i'm just...ready to go. are you?"
"whenever you are,"
i answer.
i watch the pale moonlight cascade over her golden skin in silence.
i imagine her a goddess being called home,
a muse lying still for a painting,
a lover longing for her other.
whatever she may be,
there is no denying her absolute splendor.
she's the prettiest girl i've ever had the blessing of knowing.
she inhales the night air deeply then faces me head on with those eyes bathed in heavenly glow.
"let's go home, y/n."
the words fill me with a foreign bliss.
home.
home is where kie is.
i want to hear her say it again,
just one more time,
and maybe our home will come to fruition.
a home we will have created.
a home where-
i stop my next thought.
i'm getting too ahead of myself.
kie is obviously into jj and i lost my only chance the day i left this town.
i'm paying for my mistakes now,
gravely.
i drive home since i'm clearly sober.
i've had maybe one sip tonight compared to kie's multiple drinks.
we arrive to my house where our greatest sleepovers have occurred,
and we slip past sleeping parents to hide away in my room.
"i'm so glad you're back,"
kie sighs as she rests against my bed.
"me too."
the question comes before i can say anything else to stop it.
"why did you leave so suddenly, y/n?"
i hurry to busy myself with the contents of my closet.
i need something else to wear,
these clothes are suddenly too constricting.
"y/n?"
kie says again.
i can no longer ignore her when she asks,
"was it me? did...did i drive you away?"
how could i have let her think that for a second?
i hurry to her side,
take her hands into mine and pledge,
"never, kie. you're the only person keeping me rooted in this town."
"but it's not enough, obviously."
i take a few moments of silence.
i'm trying to gather the thoughts needed for an answer,
but i fear i don't have one.
"you are enough, kie. you'll always be enough."
kie lays her head into my lap.
i carefully rake my fingers through her hair as she closes her eyes.
i'm free to admire her in this quiet.
my beautiful, shimmery girl.
i wish i could take her and make all her hurt disappear.
or to take her nectar coated lips into mine.
to feel as close to an angel as i'll ever get.
there are so many words i want to say to her and not nearly enough time.
"this town scares me,"
i admit through the tinniest of whispers.
it almost amazes me she hears,
until i remember we've spent our whole lives talking in whispers to each other.
"it scares me, too."
i have to stop myself from filling over with apologies for leaving.
i worry i'll begin crying and never stop.
anything to lessen this guilt.
instead,
i find myself resting my lips against her temple,
pressing a soft kiss there,
then saying,
"i wish i could take you with me."
"then take me with you, y/n. what are we waiting on?"
she opens her eyes to give me a smile.
it's gentle but still so full of ecstasy.
does she know how much power she holds?
especially over me?
"i'll take you wherever i go, kie."
"good. i'm tired of goodbyes."
"no more of them."
kie exhales a laugh that hangs in the air between us.
it sounds so harmonious that i wonder if a song has been written in honor of her.
if not,
i'll write one song after the other in tune with her laugh.
i'll write them until my brain becomes numb with nothing but the sounds of her echoing laughter.
oh,
i'm so hopelessly in love.
"are you in love with jj? or, like, do you like him?"
i ask abruptly with her head still in my lap.
i hate myself for how choppy it sounds leaving my lips.
kie raises her eyebrows.
"no, absolutely not. he's family."
"yeah, yeah. true enough."
she waits a few seconds and begins to trace circles against my skin when she speaks.
"do you like john b?"
"what? no, never. what? come on, kie. he's, like, an uncle to me."
i shudder at the thought and it's enough to send kie into a fit of laughter.
i know for certain now that the laugh leaving her lips is reserved for me and me alone.
i'm covered in bliss at this simple fact.
"that's good. i don't think i can keep pretending anymore."
"pretending? what does that mean?"
she falls silent.
i'm writhing in anticipation for her next words because if they're anything like i think they mean,
this will have been the greatest homecoming present ever.
each second is measured in time with my racing heart.
please, please.
"pretending like i'm just your best friend."
i smile at her and she returns it.
though her head has not moved from its resting place in my lap,
i lean down and connect our lips.
what have i ever been so worried for?
all of life's greatest answers lie here in my lovers lips.
i thank all the four leaf clovers i've found,
the eyelashes i've wished upon,
the birthday candles i've blown out.
i thank them for bringing me kie and her love.
i feel her tongue smooth itself over my bottom lip and shivers make place to my skin.
when we pull away solely for air,
the answers to the questions i've avoided have come.
my change in demeanor when i attend school is because kie is not there.
any party where i can't see her,
singing drunkenly and winning every beer pong game ever,
is not a party worth going to.
my hometown scares are because i worry when i return,
kie will have found another.
the double lives i feared i led are nothing but this:
a life where i am surrounded and engulfed by kie and a life where i am deprived of it.
i'm completely different when i'm with her.
i'm younger, smarter, happier, funnier,
i am a woman raised on kie's love.
i want to feel it for as long as my heart beats.
"kie?"
"yeah?"
"i love you."
she pulls me in for a loving kiss then whispers again my lips,
"i love you more than i've ever loved anything."
i soak in the weight of these words and their sincerity.
it will be a memory i hold on to for life.
"can i suggest something crazy?"
she traces the bridge of my nose then kisses it.
"of course."
"come live with me. i don't...i can't leave you again, kie. i want to be by your side forever."
i watch as her lips thin out into a smile.
they pull me in,
the enchantress,
and i give her a kiss.
we're making up for lost time,
kissing each other numb for all the times we could not.
"i was beginning to think you'd never ask."

the rest of my spring break was spent in love and in the sun.
it's the greatest time i've ever spent here,
and that's comparing to countless hours spent in the outerbanks.
kie never misses a chance to tackle me and shower me with kisses,
and i never fight her on it.
not once.
even when i was half asleep,
i still welcomed her affection with open arms.
i write her love letters,
sealed with my kiss,
and she confesses her love through carefully crafted words and lingering, oh so sweet kisses.
our love is the greatest thing to have touched this earth.
i know with it,
we are unstoppable.
then the break is over.
but i am not going home an alone, anxious woman.
i have kie beside me.
we unpack all her things into my once isolated place and we make ourselves a home.
finally,
we are home.
kie will eventually go on to enroll into the very same college as i,
giving her the education she's always sought for.
i love coming home after a long day to be met with the force of heaven.
her with messy hair,
hovered over a pile of books and mumbling beneath her breath.
she never minds when i distract her by taking her up into my arms and leaving kisses all over her.
everything has been made right with kie.
i find great solace in the fact that this is something that will never fade.
maybe all good things don't have to come to an end.
we have tossed out the possibility of goodbyes,
there will be no more of them.