scars can fade [bakudeku]

chapter 2 - feeling sick

'Just because you know you are colourblind doesn't mean you can see the colours.'

-boyinaband / jaiden, 'empty'

***

Izuku is leaning over the toilet, gagging constantly. He sometimes throws up bile, it looks nasty yellow which makes him want to throw up even more. Other times he's just gagging over and over again with his head bowed over the toilet, wishing he could stop it, which he can't. He throws up when he doesn't eat, but the same thing happens when he does eat. He seems to be in an infinite loop of vomiting without cure.

His mouth tastes sour, he doesn't dare to back away from the toilet thanks to this feeling in his throat. His stomach is empty, but it feels like it's prepared to vomit all of his insides, just to get something out. And it hurts, a lot.

He isn't sure what time it is, but knows it must be afternoon by now, meaning he's already skipped half his classes. He's been to his first class this morning, but then felt like everyone was staring at him. Even Kacchan, who usually never bats him an eye. He just couldn't handle his red eyes staring at him. Kacchan knows he's had them before, the panic attacks. He knows Izuku used to have them during his bullying, he's sure he'll hate him for still having them now, it will remind him of middle school, too.

He gags once again, clear liquid comes out, he figures there isn't even bile left for him to vomit. After five, six, seven more times of gagging up clear liquid, he flushes the toilet and moves to his bathroom counter. He looks even worse than yesterday. His green eyes seem to be lifeless, there's hardly any skin left to make him look alive. If he was laying down right now, you could mistake him for being death.

He unwraps the bandages around his arms, revealing the hundreds of drawings on them, they're reminders of the worthless nobody he is. He takes out his razor and starts drawing some more.
One drawing for not eating.
One drawing for being a weakling.
One drawing for worrying everyone again.
One drawing for worrying Kacchan.
His thoughts trail off to Kacchan again. And he hates himself for it. He bullied him, years and years of endless bullying, but he somehow can't hate him. Why can't he fucking hate him?
Another drawing.
He should hate him, he knows he should. So why the fuck are these feelings the exact opposite?!
One, two, multiple drawings.
He hates that he loves him, why can't he just forget about him, why is it this hard to stop loving someone?
More cuts, he stopped counting them. Seventeen? Eighteen? More?
If it weren't for a door closing downstairs, he would've continued. But he manages to stop. It's too silent after that door closing, there's no way classes are over yet, this is just a single person. He hears footsteps coming up the stairs and the anxious feeling of them coming to see him makes it into his head.

He quickly hides the razor in a bathroom drawer, wraps new bandages around his arms, they immediately turn red. He runs towards his room and pulls over a sweater. The footsteps are getting closer, there's no way for him to clean the blood on the bathroom counter and floor in time. He closes the bathroom door behind him and runs towards his bed, laying down and hoping they won't go into his bathroom.

There's a knock on his door, followed by the last voice he expected to hear "Deku, you bastard. Why aren't you in classes?"
"Felt sick." He responds in a squeaky voice, hoping desperately Kacchan will take that as a valid answer and leave. Of course he doesn't. Bakugou opens the door and Izuku get this weird feeling in his stomach. He can't tell whether they're butterflies or anxiety, maybe a mix of both. He walks up to his bed, looking straight at him as if he's checking something.
"Sick, huh? How exactly?" He asks.
"Stomach ache. I've vomited." Izuku stutters. The answer might be true, but even he wouldn't believe himself.
"Don't lie to me, stupid nerd." He says, grabbing Izuku's sweatshirt and pulling him towards him. His angry eyes staring at him. Damn it, what is he supposed to say when he won't believe the truth?
"I- you know- I'm just-" he starts stuttering different sentences, making Katsuki even more angry. And to make it worse, he feels his stomach acid coming up. He tries swallowing it, but ends up vomiting. Again. On top of Kacchan.
Bakugou doesn't even react, like he's trying to process what just happened, that makes it even worse than worse.
"What the fuck, Deku?!" He exclaims, then makes his way to Izuku's bathroom to clean it off.
"Wait, Kacchan!" Izuku shouts, he can't let him go into his bathroom, but he's never been good coming up with excuses on the spot.
"You should- I don't- we- please don't-" He stutters even worse than before, Kacchan raises an eyebrow then continues walking towards his bathroom. The anxious feeling of him discovering what he's been doing to himself starts filling his body and he wishes he had killed himself sooner.

Things seem to go in slowmotion, he can see Kacchan reach for the door knob and the closer his hand is, the closer Izuku feels to dying. He can feel his breathing becoming unstable once again, the feeling of everything except oxygen filling his lungs, and he's unable to do anything about it "Ka-cchan." He manages to exclaim, the sound is almost non-existent, but Kacchan's reaction proves he did somehow hear him. He turns around and his face turns pale seeing Izuku. He makes his way towards him, an expression on his face that Izuku can't quite explain. It's like a combination of anger, confusion and fear. He kneels down in front of Izuku so he matches his height while he remains sitting on his bed. Izuku can feel Kacchan shaking him, trying to get his attention, but Izuku isn't able to focus on him. He needs to get his breathing stable. In and out, breathe in and out, in and out. It's not working.

"Deku, you idiot! Focus on me, damn it." Kacchan shouts, he's been trying to get Izuku's attention for three minutes. This is the first time Izuku seems to hear his voice though.
"You've been breathing normally your entire life, it's not that hard. Just breathe in, hold it, then breathe out. Just fucking do it." Kacchan says clearly. And Izuku tries, he's really trying. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in and out, in and out. That's all he has to do and he knows that. But there's no air filling his lungs.
He's starting to feel dizzy, he can probably black out at any moment now. But if that happens, no one will stop Kacchan from entering his bathroom, he needs to stay conscious.
"Breathe with me, stupid nerd. Breathe in..." Katsuki tries again, Izuku does exactly as he's told and breathes in, waiting for the command to exhale "And breathe out." he lets the air leave his lungs. He isn't sure whether it helped, but he continues following his orders anyway. After the twentieth try, he manages to get his breathing under control again. Kacchan seems relieved by this, too. He stands up and says he's getting him a glass of water and that he has to make sure he doesn't forget how to breathe until he comes back.

When he returns, he gives Izuku the glass of water and watches him drink it, then takes the now empty glass from him so he can return it to the dishes downstairs. "I'm gonna change clothes and then go back to classes. Don't think I'll keep quiet about what happened, I'll tell Aizawa as soon as I get the chance. Also, I'll check up on you every day until you're feeling better, just so you're prepared and don't freak out again." With that being said, Katsuki leaves his room and about ten minutes later, after he's been to his own room to change clothes, Izuku hears the door downstairs slam.

His muscles relax, he's alone again. That was too much stress for such a short time. He stands up, feeling dizzy, and makes his way towards his bathroom. He starts cleaning the red bloodstains on the counter and floor. He makes sure there's no trace left behind then lays down on his bed once again. He wishes he could sleep, but even though he's feeling tired, he can't seem to close his eyes. Instead, he just stares at his ceiling for hours and hours. The only thing keeping him sane being the fact that he will never feel any of this again after 18 more days of suffering.