scars can fade [bakudeku]

chapter 3 - finishing a letter

"See, if you analyze stuff long enough, you'll eventually break ideas down to the quantum level where nothing makes sense and there's no longer any meaning to anything. And then when you try to put it all back together again, you realize the pieces just don't fit anymore. Worse, you realize that the pieces never fit in the first place. And then you're left with a heap of broken ideas and beliefs that are shattered beyond repair. That's reality."

-P.S. Baber,
'Cassie Draws the Universe'

***

Izuku went to classes again today. It's not like he could focus on anything, but he figured that if he stayed away longer his classmates would start to worry even more and that's the last thing he wants. Classes were fine, after the regular classes in the morning, they had a rescue and protection training. Izuku had to protect a puppet with some other classmates while the other half of the class was supposed to rescue the same puppet. His team ended up winning, which made Kacchan rather mad, he couldn't reach the puppet thanks to Todoroki and his ice wall. Kacchan gave Izuku a glance after the exercise was over, he's still unsure what it meant. It was either a glance of 'I will make sure I fight you next time', 'damn nerd, looking down on me again' or 'I hope you're doing okay now'. Scrapping the last one — knowing that's most likely just his imagination — he figures it is best to avoid him and make his way to his room as soon as possible.

After double-checking that his door is locked, Izuku gets an empty piece of paper and a pen, then stares down at it without actually writing something down. He's been trying to write his farewell letters for weeks, but it's impossible to find the right words. He needs to write three letters and he's starting to run out of time. There's 16 days left and he couldn't even write one letter in the eleven days before these. The problem is that he's overthinking the situation again. He doesn't know what they want to hear after he's gone. Do they want an apology? Reasons for why he left? Or comforting words? It's impossible to guess.

'Dear All Might,' He writes the first three words on the piece of paper. All Might's letter must be the easiest out of all three, so it's probably best to start with his'. 'Guess I wasn't the right successor after all.' he continues, but immediately scraps it. It's best to make it as less personal as possible, maybe he won't shed as much tears that way. 'I had many flaws. Too much flaws. And I wasn't able to fix them.' He wishes he could fix them. He wishes he could fix the fact that he can't get mad at people that care about him, or that he cares about. He wishes he could be a person for people to look up to. A symbol of peace, like All Might. He wishes he could do what All Might did in that video he's seen way too many times, he wishes he could save everyone with a smile on his face. But if he can't even save himself, how could he ever wish to save someone else. Izuku hadn't noticed he had started to cry until a single tears drops on the paper, changing the ink into something hardly readable. It's been ages since he's shed a single tear, it feels nice somehow. 'I wish I could've been the perfect successor and I'm glad you told me I could be a hero, but it turns out that you were wrong.' he rereads that sentence over and over again, not sure whether he should keep it this way or just burn the whole piece of paper. Since he can't think of a way to change it for the better and he's running out of time, he decides to keep it. 'I'm sorry to disappoint you like this, but it's better this way.' He stops again, it's so much harder than he anticipated. 'But I won't let One For All go to waste. I've thought a lot about it and passed it on.' he stops, that last sentence doesn't sound particularly right to him. 'I've passed it on to someone I trust more than anything. Someone I know will make good use of it. Even if you don't agree with my decision, but I've thought a lot about it and am certain.' It sounds a bit too angry, maybe, but he needs to make it clear to him. He ends up changing 'Even' to 'I'm sorry' and continues writing. 'I gave Kacchan One For All. And I hope you can help him use it.' He stops again, how is he supposed to continue after saying that? He isn't sure whether All Might will be happy with his decision, but he doesn't know Kacchan like Izuku does. If Kacchan manages to lessen his never-ending pride he'd be like the Kacchan Izuku knew when they were children. The Kacchan he wishes to meet again.

He isn't sure why he thinks back to this exact moment, but it starts playing in his head: Kacchan and him were having a sleepover in his garden, Izuku remembers his younger self talking to a younger version of Bakugou.
"Kacchan?"
"Hmm?"
"When I become a hero, I'll save everyone with a smile on my face, just like All Might." Izuku can still picture the face Kacchan made all those years ago, a stupid grin on his face when responding "I know that. You've told me that a thousand times already. And then I tell you that I'll become a hero who will beat every villain, like All Might. No one will have to be saved when there's no villain to threaten them."
Izuku didn't even know he had this memory, it was locked away but for some reason, he remembers it like it was yesterday now. He remembers himself responding to him "I know. But when I am busy saving everyone, will you save me if I get in trouble?" He can vaguely remember Kacchan's response, but he must've been really tired already "Of course."

Izuku is pulled back to reality again, he isn't sure how he could've forgotten that moment. Maybe all good things decide to leave him after a while. 'I know that, behind all his pride, there's a caring Kacchan, and I know he can become that person again. That's why I trust him with One For All. So please, trust me on this decision and help him become the hero I know he can be.
And lastly, thank you. Thank you for believing in me when no one else would. You changed my life and I could never be more thankful for that. Thank you for being my idol for all these years, thank you for being my beacon of hope, my symbol of peace. And I'm sorry that I had to leave this soon.
-Izuku Midoriya.'