scars can fade [bakudeku]

chapter 13 - anger and frustration

'Losing him was like having a hole shot straight through me, a painful, constant reminder, an absence I could never fill.'

-After you

***

Katsuki skipped his funeral. He couldn't bear to be there and watch as everyone that cared about him cries and blames themselves for not being there.
He was there. And he failed.

It's been over a month already and he's still not used to it. Even though he knows he's actually gone, he still sometimes sees him. He sometimes recognised him in a stranger, or he sees him sitting along his classmates, he sometimes sees him watching from the corner of his room, his eyes staring at him, his body turning pale and dead time and time again. He haunts him, it's become unbearable. He can't escape any of it. He sees him when he's awake, he sees him when he's asleep, he sees him wherever he goes, wherever he hides, Izuku's dead body keeps finding him.

All Might has stopped by recently, checking up on him and asking whether he wants to start his training. Katsuki doesn't understand how he's able to move on this quickly, was Izuku nothing more than a successor to him? And it's not just All Might, most of his classmates have moved on with their life. They've started to attend classes and training again, trying to become a better hero. Katsuki hasn't, there's no way he could've moved on after just one month, it's too fast, everything around him is moving so fast while his own world is still frozen in that same moment.

The anger seems to come out of nowhere, it's been bottling up inside him while he tried denying the fact that Izuku was gone. He can't deny it anymore. He can't deny the truth any longer and all the emotions that had been bottling up inside him leave him through the only emotion he can express himself with.
He starts kicking and throwing stuff inside his room while the tears keep stinging in his eyes. He rams his hand on a drawer, if only the nerd would've cared a little more about himself, if only he would've been able to see his own selfworth.

"Bakugou?" A voice is heard from the other side of his door.
"Go away Shitty Hair!" Katsuki shouts, he doesn't need him, or anyone. He just needs a way to release his anger, to escape from this endless loop of pain, regret and guilt.
"Can I come in?" Kirishima asks, not listening to what Katsuki said.
"Leave me alone." Katsuki shouts, but his voice breaks down at the last word, making him sound pathetic and weak again.
"I'll come in now." Kirishima announces, then opens the door to see the mess Katsuki has made of his room. His nightstand has fallen onto the ground, clothes and schoolbooks are spreaded throughout every corner of his room and the still unopened letter is laying in the middle of it.

Kirishima notices the letter and picks it up, "You haven't opened it?" he asks.
"Give that back." Katsuki says angrily, ripping the piece of paper out of his hands and placing it on his drawer.
"Why haven't you-"
"It's none of your business, leave me alone." Katsuki manages to blink away the tears, no one has to know how he cries every night, he doesn't want them to see how weak he is. First he kills Izuku and then he also manages to feel sad about it, it's pathetic.
"Everyone is worried about you." Kirishima says, refusing to follow his request.
"They shouldn't."
"You shouldn't burden this alone."
"I'm fine."
"That's exactly what Midoriya-"
"I said I'm fine!" Katsuki cuts Kirishima off, the tears returning again, making his vision blurry. He has no control over his emotions anymore, he wishes he could go back to being a brick wall no one could infiltrate.
"None of you understand." He says, all the anger has suddenly left his voice, revealing how sad and broken he actually feels.
"Maybe we don't, but we're still here for you. We know you and Midoriya went way back, it was obvious you cared about each other, even though you acted like rivals. We do understand that watching him- you know- do it must've been traumatising."
"Just shut up!" Katsuki shouts, then immediately quiets down "None of you understands what it's like to be haunted by a dead body wherever you go, knowing it's your fault it's there." When Kirishima tries comforting him, he slaps away his hand, shouting "You don't fucking understand! I watched him fall down, I saw him hit the ground, I keep seeing how I'm a second too late to save him. It's constantly playing on loop and there's no way to escape it!"
Kirishima seems at a loss of words for a little while, then says "You're not weak for showing your emotions sometimes. I'm sure I would feel the exact same if I was in your position, but you should know that it's not your fault."
Katsuki turns around, his back facing Kirishima's again. "Please go, I need to be alone."
Kirishima agrees this time and leaves Katsuki's room, he turns around last second, wanting to say something, but changes his mind and closes the door behind him, leaving Katsuki alone.

After Katsuki is sure Kirishima has left him alone he makes his way to his bathroom and finds the razor he had taken away from Izuku. He can't understand why Izuku did it, but it took away his pain. Maybe it can take away his pain too, just once.
His hand is trembling as he moves the blade towards his arm, he can barely hold onto it. He doesn't understand how Izuku did this as if it was nothing.
He's just too weak to do it, the blade is touching his skin, one movement and it'll start bleeding, but he can't do it. The blade slips out of his hand and falls onto the ground, he follows as his knees give in. The tears are once again stinging in his eyes yet he can't seem to cry, it's unfair. It's unfair that Izuku's dead. It's unfair that Katsuki's still alive. It's unfair that he can't get over it. It's unfair that Izuku keeps haunting him. It's unfair that he can't hurt himself, that he can't relief himself from his own pain. It's unfair how he feels stuck, everything around him moves yet he's stuck in that same moment, constantly.
It's just like All Might, when Katsuki felt responsible for his retirement: It's like it's constantly playing on loop, and there's no escaping it.